Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Thursday, February 09, 2006

promise to fulfil

Every morning i start my day, reminding myself to: live in the moment, be silent and focussed, be non-judgemental and always reach out for the feeling which gives the highest well-being in every moment.

Yet, it is just a matter of moments, that i develop amnesia to my promises to myself. The moment i am in the rick, my fingers itch to call up him. I keep looking desperately at the phone, waiting for his call, even though it does not ring. I have lost all my calm in moments.

I start all again at work. Try and focus on my work. Till by afternoon, i need to say something about someone could be my boss, it can be an irritating co-worker. My mouth itches to judge them and i am already doing it in my head by now. Finally i vomit it out to my friends. And then realise, oh wow, there i go again.

By afternoon, still coping with my deadlines, i now have begun to be desperate again. I start calling him up once again. But his lines are busy and so i cannot reach him. I am just about to feel bad and seem to have been totally successful in screwing up my own happiness, when i rush to the metaphysical teachings, read and read till i calm down a little bit to continue my work.

I come home, look at the empty room, check my phone again. There are no calls. There is no one to share my day with. I sob on the bed, missing and dying to hear his voice. Then after five minutes, i realise i cannot sob anymore, i wake up and have dinner and sleep.

This is my schedule every day. I make it and break it every day. I still wait for the phone calls. I still wait for him.
But, in between, i manage to see children happily going to school, the sun sets, the birds chirping, a flower, a butterfly in my office garden, write something (which i call poems) about living beings like trees, flowers, mud...from whom i want to borrow some calmness and peace and inspiration.

No matter, how many so called poems i write. I seem to come back to the same cycles. Maybe the intensity is one degree lesser this time, thats all. Or maybe it is just the same. But, yet that is truely where i am. And i know and god knows, that i am trying. I really am!

And here i am today, once again, making the same promises to myself. No matter, if it takes a thousand years for me to get to the core of this. Nay, even ten thousand years. I will still continue to work on it.


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