Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Saturday, February 11, 2006


By all means comment all what you want. Even critisise. I will handle it. If not, learn to handle it. Even to the guy who comments with different names, concealing his identity, all i would like to say is this:

I sensed your frustration in your posts, about me dwelling in the same issues again and again. I understand and acknowledge it. But, dont pressurise me to get over my issues superficially. It serves no purpose. If your intention is my wellbeing and you want me to come out of it. Let me express as much as i can and pour it out. Even if you and i dont realise, every time we 'intend' to solve a problem / issue / illness, we are moving towards our own pure potentiality.

When the problem is solved, the issue is resolved, the dis-ease is healed, the change and transformation will happen naturally. And it will happen with an effortless ease. Presently, it takes enormous effort for me to get out of the dumps i go into. And that is fine too.

To get over something, first i have to acknowledge it. By pretending it does not exist, i am fooling myself. I have fooled myself too much in the past only to be faced with loads of shit. I end up doing character assasinations when i am in a crisis, becoz i cannot handle the pain. I am hurt and to lessen the hurt, i hurt back. But, as i wrote in a poem below, it does not solve my issue, the wound only deepens. As my basic intention was not to hurt the other person or cause pain, it was to get rid of my pain. But, becoz i resorted to do it through petty means. It does not give me any solace, instead i feel guilty.

All relationships are a reflection of the relationship with the self. So, i cannot just move on until i resolve this enough in my mind and body, and till i am at peace with myself about it. When i express my deepest feelings in the poems, i am not necessarily sitting here and sobbing. I am at peace but saddneed by the memories, my mind and my heart is yearning and craving for the joy i was born with. I am dying to reconnect with my own miraculous self. In that process, i have discovered that, expressing it sometimes poetically, cleanses the pain. At least i begin to feel a clean pain with lesser resentments.

There are no correct and accurate ways to deal with this. The only best way is the one which works for you at the moment. Yes maybe i do wallow in self-pity and maybe you think i am a fucking depressed creature. Like someone once told me: 'i dont think you will resolve these issues ever.' Okay, so be it. That is your opinion of the anu who you've seen.

But, neither you nor i know of the anu, who is in the becoming..right now!


Blogger MikeDoe said...

please for all of continue to write whatever you want.

I find most of your poetry deeeply moving whatever it is that you write. Sometimes it cheers me up sometimes not. So what. I allow myself to feel fully all emotions. I don't classify some as nice and some as not.

Reading your stuff is one source of beauty in my life. Like the sunset that I saw yesterday.

Who you are and what you do with your life and how you express yourself is your concern alone and no-one elses.

What I see when I read your stuff is someone who has embraced life to the point where they are living it as fully as they can.

If that means that sometimes you are happy and sometimes you are sad, well honey, who really gives a fuck!

A life lived is an uneven thing. Every day is different. Emotions come and go. Feelings come and go. Thoughts come and go. Everything is transient.

I don't think you realise how much freedom you have in your life. The words you write could not come from a person who is in the chains of denial.

2:21 AM, February 12, 2006  
Blogger g said...

Resolving issues. Solving problems. Fixing things.

I am doing computer work now, and when I get a call, somebody is disatisfied.

Something is broken. Something is not working right.

I enjoy looking at the problem and figuring out what is going on, and coming up with a "solution" for the person, although sometimes the solution is to say, "This cannot be done," when they are wanting to do something that is wrong or would disrupt the network.

But what is happening within? What are these internal problems? Can they be fixed? Or am I a hopeless case? I do not know.

7:23 AM, February 13, 2006  

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