little miss anu

Name:
Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Monday, February 27, 2006

scary dream

woke up from a scary dream
in which my family almost disowned me

maybe we have such dreams
so that we know how precious it is
to have a family in the first place

Sunday, February 26, 2006

pain / unconditional love

dig into me, go deep in me
dive without fear to touch the base
of my bottomless pit

do not resort to temporary petty
ways of getting over me
when you are sure that you've burried me
i am still bubbling beneath, like hot lava and will erupt
like a volcano and destruct and destroy
everything you've made in your pretensions
in your emptiness and your hypocricy and ego

dont try to kill me with drugs and by hurting others, i dont die that way
multitudes of me emerge from every drop of my blood you shed
wiating to suck your energies out and draine you completely

dont run away from me and dont shove me away
i am your shadow and will follow you whereever you go
i'll hound you in your dreams and flash images before you
and make you weep in your waking hours
i'll make you crave and long for him or her, this or that
I AM PAIN TALKING!!!

oh, you've misunderstood me, i am not bad, i'm not mean
i merely respond only to the highest in you,
to only the most honest emotion in you,
i'm you in the becoming, i am you dying to connect with yourself
there is just one way to get rid of me ;-) , yeah i always happy to die
to be reborn as UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ..

dont tell me its not worth fighting for,
i will not give in and i will not leave
until you want me to go bad enough,
and until you've understood where i come from
I AM YOUR PAIN TALKING!!! give me a break and listen to me
i do not come from another, i am not caused by another,
i come from you, when you dont give yourself enough love unconditionally,
i'm born and I AM PAIN!!!

breathe into me and let me go as you breathe out,
i'm waiting to transform myself
into pure energy of unconditional love
the grace with which you were once born
and the grace you still possess
i'll go only when i'm loved enough, when you love yourself enough
then you dont need me to remind you that
PAIN EXISTS...WHEN LOVE DOES NOT

for where there is unconditional love, there cannot be any pain
there i (pain) will not speak, but love will ...
YOUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO YOURSELF WILL..
speak through your eyes, your cells, your hair,
your aura and through your universe

happy to die i am ..pain says in a feeble voice,
in one of its last breaths
to be reborn as unconditional love as you love yourself
and appreciate yourself for all that you are

and have been and are capable of being
every day of your life or as long as you live


don't you know sweetie, we are two sides of the same coin
we are pain / unconditional love (to yourself)
only one of us can exist at any moment...so go on, make your choice!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

sleep

feeling unbearably sleepy today
as if i have been drugged
fell asleep drinking my
morning tea

how i wish i could take a holiday
from work and sleep whole day

but i know i have things to do
and milestones to cross

so i get on with my day
like the birds, bees and the grass

it is time to wake up
from the long lost slumbers

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

one more time

tonight once again
the sky and i
sit for meditation
in total silence

this time,
i watch his planes
with the flickering lights
and he watches
my thoughts
passing by

Monday, February 20, 2006

get out of your way

when the clouds, in our mind,
move away
the sun shines clearly
automatically

sometimes when we get out
of our own way
we achieve clarity
and see the obvious

dream

woke up from a dream
in which i met you
on a sea-shore

we were trying to reach out
but an air of uneasiness
was still present

eager to clarify things
and resolve issues even there

as i work out my issues in my dream life
developing more conviction in my own thinking
my simplest intentions creates those manifestions
in my waking life turning them into joyful realities

love does not hurt

love empowers
love strengthens
love brings joy
and i feel, love does not hurt

cannot harbour pain and sufferring
in my heart calling it love
for i know, love does not hurt

in this knowing itself,
a new awareness dawns
the pain thins and seeps down the drain
and i believe, love does not hurt

transition

even in my sadness
even as my heart bleeds
i'm working on a transformation

i believe my love to be pure
to be as true as the stars in the sky
but i dont believe i have to suffer
i dont believe missing you must pain me
i dont believe i want to hurt ever after

i'm in the process of a transition
moving from sadness to joy
moving from weakness to strength
moving from hurting to healing

that i know i love you
should be real and true enough for me,
and the love we gave each other in the past,
should be enough to last
even if we never again meet each other
ever in this lifetime

a stranger

i want to call you
but i am an outsider now
i am a hindrance to you
an imposter

but you're still alive
not in my memories alone
in me, in my tears, and
in every drop of my blood

one unread mail

found an old email
he sent long long ago
unread lying in my mailbox

i wont ever open it
i know i'll have at least
one mail still waiting to be read
from him

Sunday, February 19, 2006

sky slept but i'm awake

now the sky is
sleeping peacefully
in deep slumber
but i am wide awake

images of my love
flashing like the flickering
lights of the plane
are distracting me

as i feel the pain of
not being able to
as reach out to him

as i feel the love in
the wonderful moments
we once shared together

sky and i

we meditated together
tonight, the sky and i,

in silence we sat

me watching my thoughts slide by
and the sky watching the planes fly by

faith

faith is seeing
diamonds glitterring
on the sand in the
moonlight

my new teacher

yesterday i met
my seven-month
young nephew

an aura of ease and peace
around him
he is always in a state of bliss

so happy and content with
whatever we feed him & clothe him

no fuss, no crying, no wants
yet always busy & smiling


a master of his own mind and life
so much to learn from him
so much to unlearn in me

sat night fever

often i venture out
alone for fun,

yesterday
i went for a movie
all alone,

sitting in the last row
munching sandwiches
and sipping milkshakes

enjoying my own company
joyful and at peace with myself,
i had a perfect saturday night!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

the interview result

Michael thanks for asking, my interview was good. But three strange things happened.

1. The interviewer (boss to-be) was thrown by me and he felt i was over confident, to the verge of being arrogant. I took this as a compliment though, how lovely to sound over confident in an interview.He asked me numerous questions and i answered them all very well. At the end he told me i had no banking experience. I said yup i dont, so? Then he asked me how much time i will take to learn it. I told him a month. He said how will i learn it, he wont teach me. I said: oh it is just a click of button away on the net. This man lost his head and told me: you are so overconfident. Even after 25yrs of banking experience, i tremble when anyone asks me and you say you can master it with a click of button. i have never seen an arrogant candidate as you. I chuckled. I was never called 'over' confident. So this was news to me, mm i love this word.

2. I could not connect to the boss to be. He was a strange bald middle aged man with a firm face who barely smiled and frowned a lot. He had no clue as to how to handle me, a bubly chirpy straightforward outspoken character. I entered in his cabin saying "Hello Mr X, how are you doing today?" And he stared at me as if i had asked him 'how long was his dick?' He kept staring at my clothes weirdly. Though this was one of the biggest high profile multinational bank, they seemed extremely conservative.

3. My ex-boss in my previous company called up some top level guys of the bank and found out that the CEO of that bank uses foul language. And they are extremely aggressive and push their employees around and they ultimately end up having no personal life. So that was a big minus rating according to me.

Strangely, and suddenly, i began to value my company for what it is. Here we can wear anything we want and there is a sense of liberty. I have no fear. I saw fear in the eyes of the boss to-be and the people there, despite the fact that they earned 20times more than me.

They have not called back and if they do, i wont get into that mess. I will find the right place and the right people i want to spend 8-10 hours of my day. The day i find them, i will know it is time to move. So if i am called by them, i am going to let go for 21/2 times increase in my pay for some priceless peace of mind.

1. Qs to myself?

Innerself, i am tired of searching for my true love. Where and how can i find it?
Innerself: If you are searching for it, it cannot be 'true'. Why would you even search for something you believe to be true? Some of the most real things in this life are right in front of you. You can see them, feel them, smell them, dance in their essence. If it is true, it should be and will be available right here for you. For, your truth is in this moment..not in the past or the future. And if it is 'love', you wont even be 'wondering how to find it'...it will flow from within you, reach out to another and flow back into you once again. Love dosent ask questions, it answers. Love does not ask where & how, it just 'knows'.

You dont search for true love my dear, you experience it.

Friday, February 17, 2006

at work

my company has shifted to a new office
it is huge, oozing with positive energy,
walls painted with bright colours and open

many employees are a bit upset and unhappy
they are complaining of lack of privacy
since the openness means everyone
can see their computer

i share a feeling different from them
i simply love this new place for its vibes
and my attitude is slowing undergoing
a huge transformation at work

every morning i reach office way before time
least bothered i am of who peeks into my comp
i am so focussed in my work throughout the day
i have no time to check my yahoo mails or log into chats

the openess and the space makes me come alive
i am not too fond of closed sylos and structures
i work silently in my own little space and
as they walk in, other people greet me and smile at me

a smile from my heart and soul, and greeting them in real
wishing good for them and me, and sending out good energy
is all what i pack into one little grin or a handshake

time now passes so fast, becoz of all the activity around me
my work has become a place where now, i can meditate easily
sitting in my own little corner, with an aura of light and love around me
i help myself to unleash my pure potentiality, and unbounded creativity

these shine through my reports,
glow as intelligence through my eyes,
spins my mind to thinking of the countless possibilities that arise

and i work relentlessly,
with effortless ease
and fearlessly

creating something new,
unseen and unheard of,
every day of life
and as long as i live.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

tree-meditation

a little loney since v-day
feeling the sadness
of being alone,
while returning from work yesterday,
i saw...trees

huge trees standing solitary
something about the them
totally amazed me

standing all alone
but no sadness in them
not even a tinge

a quiet joy surrounding them
a sense of calm, a profound silence
as if they were so okay to be alone

towering over shrubs and grass
so majestically the tree stands
with self respect and love
totally centered in themselves

spreading their branches and leaves
deep bright eyes watch me
as i pass them smiling at me

i could feel the essence of
being a tree
standing alone in a state of bliss
such grace and elegance
so contagious
turned my sadness into a quiet joy
of being on my own...

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

lovely valentine's day

the call i wanted to hear, did not come
the voice i wanted listen to, i did not hear
the fresh roses i wanted to see at my doorstep
early morning, never arrived today

but, still, this has been my best valentine's day
i have had so far,
a day where i did not ask, i gave
a day where i did not feel special, i made others feel special,
whoever said, valentine's day is to receive, i found joy in giving

i spent my day in mundane tasks, finding happiness in them
no roses, no candles, no romance, no fragrance for me
the foggy misty sky and the sun peeking through the trees
are my valentine for today, and i spend my day & night with them

they bathed me with their essence and glowed my skin with their light
cleansed my heart with their warm love and filled with soul with their fragrance

What a lovely valentine's day i;ve had,
the best among the best of the days,
now for a peaceful night's sleep
in the silver arms of the moon
stroking my hair
he rocks me...
moonlight

Happy Valentine's day

a great day i had
and i filled hearts
with my wishes

no calls..
wish i did not miss
him so much

but, it still is a very
happy Valentine's day
for me, nevertheless.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

triggerring my powerhouse

dont have much time
this time i cannot wait
to go down to rise

just danced in my
flowing over-sized nightdress
to a funny fun filled song
in front of my mirror

too bad for the bank
if i am not selected
me not going to feel
sorry for myself

for once i will seriously
laugh at it and
shrug my shoulders
and walk away

it is in crisis that
that i need to perform
like a true martial artist
i need to bring out
my own inner power

not a tear this time
not one negative thought
not drop of sadness
in my ocean of life

my time has come
to live up to all what i have ever learnt
to astound myself with my own power
in joy and with effortless ease
i will breeze through this phase

interview

'We cannot said a better candidate than you' said the interviewer of a big multinational bank to me on saturday. Last interview is with our CEO and CFO on Monday morning and i am sure you will breeze through it with effortless ease, it is just a formality', said the manager to me.

I wonder whether their opinion will change, when they know i am on dialysis. My dialysis does not affect my work. No matter how unbalanced i appear here on the blog, i am totally focussed in my work at office. And i smile a LOT. No one ever sees me with a sulking face or a drop of tear in my eyes. I dont pretend, just that i get easily distracted by my work to dwel in any of these issues. My job is where i create and come alive.

The last interview i went six months ago, i was uanimously selected among 15 candidates and then just before i got the offer letter, i was told to leave becoz i had a kidney problem. I told the placement guy this time, i want to make my health issues clear to the company. He said he will handle it. But, i am scared that they will refuse me becoz of my kidneys. Not that i will miss the opportunity. I am very capable and there are so many opportunities out there. I am scared of the isolation just becoz i have a dis-ease.

I tried calling up the manager late in the evening on saturday. I wanted to tell him my kidney issue, but he was with his friends and said that we will speak on monday. Monday morning i am meeting the heads of the company. And what if they reject me just becoz of my kidneys? No matter how much i talk myself out of this, it is bringing tears in my eyes. No one will believe me if i tell them i dont fall sick becoz of my kidneys. I have just taken 3 days sick leave in the entire of last year. I am really good at my work, let my kidneys be. Dont punish me for the way they are.

Someone told me, "why do you go through this shit again and again? Why dont you just tell them about your kidneys right at the begining. So that you need not go through the whole thing and feel dissapointed." I guess i learnt a good lesson this time. Next time, i will say it straight in my very first interview. At least i will save myself of this stress.

I wish they rather reject me becoz i am not capable instead of rejecting me becoz of my kidneys. It hurts me to know that in their eyes i am not normal. So i am going to read now. I need to calm my mind to a level where when they do what they do tommorrow, i can keep my head high, smile and walk out as if i never cared either ways.

And i go back to my corner of the office and work as if i lived for ever healthily and happily.

she

going through a transition
or shall i call it a transformation

where the currents of both worlds
pull me in either direction

i see a me the one who you and i see
and i see a me who astounds myself

once in a while i connect with her
and she talks like the way she does now

i never want to leave her again
even as the ocean tears us apart

and even if i lose her now, i know
she will emerge from me, when i drown

is this me?

when i write out of the blue
i reach in to a different me

an electric current just passed
through my body

filling with soul with light
and my heart with eternal love

out of the blue

craving for the love
which is available
freely anyways,
is like saying---

there are only
so many stars
in the sky

postsecret

i seldom speak my
mind out, when i disagree
with loved ones
becoz when i do
i am scared that they will
misunderstand me or
misinterpret me.

when i am sad
sometimes, i fuck myself
and masturbate
to release the pain.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

comments

By all means comment all what you want. Even critisise. I will handle it. If not, learn to handle it. Even to the guy who comments with different names, concealing his identity, all i would like to say is this:

I sensed your frustration in your posts, about me dwelling in the same issues again and again. I understand and acknowledge it. But, dont pressurise me to get over my issues superficially. It serves no purpose. If your intention is my wellbeing and you want me to come out of it. Let me express as much as i can and pour it out. Even if you and i dont realise, every time we 'intend' to solve a problem / issue / illness, we are moving towards our own pure potentiality.

When the problem is solved, the issue is resolved, the dis-ease is healed, the change and transformation will happen naturally. And it will happen with an effortless ease. Presently, it takes enormous effort for me to get out of the dumps i go into. And that is fine too.

To get over something, first i have to acknowledge it. By pretending it does not exist, i am fooling myself. I have fooled myself too much in the past only to be faced with loads of shit. I end up doing character assasinations when i am in a crisis, becoz i cannot handle the pain. I am hurt and to lessen the hurt, i hurt back. But, as i wrote in a poem below, it does not solve my issue, the wound only deepens. As my basic intention was not to hurt the other person or cause pain, it was to get rid of my pain. But, becoz i resorted to do it through petty means. It does not give me any solace, instead i feel guilty.

All relationships are a reflection of the relationship with the self. So, i cannot just move on until i resolve this enough in my mind and body, and till i am at peace with myself about it. When i express my deepest feelings in the poems, i am not necessarily sitting here and sobbing. I am at peace but saddneed by the memories, my mind and my heart is yearning and craving for the joy i was born with. I am dying to reconnect with my own miraculous self. In that process, i have discovered that, expressing it sometimes poetically, cleanses the pain. At least i begin to feel a clean pain with lesser resentments.

There are no correct and accurate ways to deal with this. The only best way is the one which works for you at the moment. Yes maybe i do wallow in self-pity and maybe you think i am a fucking depressed creature. Like someone once told me: 'i dont think you will resolve these issues ever.' Okay, so be it. That is your opinion of the anu who you've seen.

But, neither you nor i know of the anu, who is in the becoming..right now!

Friday, February 10, 2006

let me be..

I know who you are - be it Ghandi, Mother thersa,
Prophet Mohammed or Annoynomous, you are the
same person commenting on my blog with different names

allow me to express my sadness
allow me to be sympathetic to myself
allow me to dive into my depressed valleys
whenever i want to

my feelings are my children
i dont want to abandon them or
put them under house-arrest

i've done that in the past
and they have gate-crashed on me
now i want to let them say
their story, no matter what it is

a truth is singing in my heart and soul
and i want to hum along with it
dont worry about me,
my magic and my spirit
will take care of me

if you have even little guts,
will you care to reveal yourself?
instead to typing in with
annoymous names on my blog

my flight

friday night
humming a song
reading Jataka tales

some routine i have now-a-days
of seeing a laughter show
in Pogo channel at 8 pm
of doing yoga twice a day

let me do things at my own pace
i am enjoying every bit of it
in my own way

i seem to be sufferring at times
but this is an illusion, i know,
even to my very own eyes

i am like a butterfly trying
to squeeze out through my cocoon
the struggle is only natural

the day is not far
when i spread my wings too
and fly high in the skies
and dissapear over the horizon

pain and love

to hurt your loved ones
in order to get rid of the pain
just dosen't help

it simple makes you feel worse
earlier there was just pain
now, there is pain & guilt to handle

to love more, even when hurt,
and to refuse to give in to pettiness
of thought or words or deeds

may sometimes,
miraculously heal,
even the most immortal wounds

Thursday, February 09, 2006

taste of pain

to lick out the pain
gulp it down slowly
tasting it and relishing
its sweetness

is something i am
still learning

this means to remain
in my own space
respect his feelings
of not wanting to be with me

and not resent him
not lash out at him
and drag him down
just because he cannot
connect to me like that
anymore

i owe at least so much
to the man i love

promise to fulfil

Every morning i start my day, reminding myself to: live in the moment, be silent and focussed, be non-judgemental and always reach out for the feeling which gives the highest well-being in every moment.

Yet, it is just a matter of moments, that i develop amnesia to my promises to myself. The moment i am in the rick, my fingers itch to call up him. I keep looking desperately at the phone, waiting for his call, even though it does not ring. I have lost all my calm in moments.

I start all again at work. Try and focus on my work. Till by afternoon, i need to say something about someone around...it could be my boss, it can be an irritating co-worker. My mouth itches to judge them and i am already doing it in my head by now. Finally i vomit it out to my friends. And then realise, oh wow, there i go again.

By afternoon, still coping with my deadlines, i now have begun to be desperate again. I start calling him up once again. But his lines are busy and so i cannot reach him. I am just about to feel bad and seem to have been totally successful in screwing up my own happiness, when i rush to the metaphysical teachings, read and read till i calm down a little bit to continue my work.

I come home, look at the empty room, check my phone again. There are no calls. There is no one to share my day with. I sob on the bed, missing and dying to hear his voice. Then after five minutes, i realise i cannot sob anymore, i wake up and have dinner and sleep.

This is my schedule every day. I make it and break it every day. I still wait for the phone calls. I still wait for him.
But, in between, i manage to see children happily going to school, the sun sets, the birds chirping, a flower, a butterfly in my office garden, write something (which i call poems) about living beings like trees, flowers, mud...from whom i want to borrow some calmness and peace and inspiration.

No matter, how many so called poems i write. I seem to come back to the same cycles. Maybe the intensity is one degree lesser this time, thats all. Or maybe it is just the same. But, yet that is truely where i am. And i know and god knows, that i am trying. I really am!

And here i am today, once again, making the same promises to myself. No matter, if it takes a thousand years for me to get to the core of this. Nay, even ten thousand years. I will still continue to work on it.

daily lessons

sometimes i wonder...

whether the tree cries out in pain,
when it is being cut down?
what the flower feels,
when we pluck its petals
one by one, for fun?

to my eyes, they don't react
they are simply not hassled
by the events happenning to them

neither do the other trees & flowers
feel threatened by this event

they continue to simply grow
spreading their branches and blossom
as if, they have always
lived happily ever after..

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

daily magic

once again
it has happenned -----

the quiet dark night
has awakened into
this bright chirpy morning

what a miracle!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

sun set

even as the sun sets
it does not spread
gloominess and depression

it splashes bright colours
of vibrance and joy around

orange and rosy pink streaks
on the velvet violet sky

it goes down with pride
making the heavens blush
seeing its beauty

in this moment

in the drop of the moment

a flower blossoms
a bird picks the worm
sky changes colour

waves rise
leaves fall
child smiles

all i need to do is
care for the moment, thats all

How much courage do i need
to live a single moment?

It is as simple as that...

for a single moment i can choose
to feel joyful and inspired
to feel alive and raring to go
bask in my silence and solitude

some new lessons

every dog knows it
every tree swings to this song
every drop of water is filled with it

even the cowdung has it
the myna has learnt it too
and it is in the rock on the seashore

the simple truths of life and love
that to live you dont need a reason
and to love you dont need a person

Monday, February 06, 2006

holding on

everyone has moved on
but i feel like i am grounded here

i miss the people whom i love
few are left around me

all the while i was sulking
thinking i was lonely and alone

only now, i know what it means
to be on my own

i wonder how the birds, mountains,
oceans and bugs handle this

i wish i could borrow some
elegance and grace from them

now is my testing time
i gotto believe in myself

to remind myself that ---
to be in a state of grace,
all i need is
my breath and my senses to
live in the present moment.

artist at work

monday morning sun
paints the tips of the
green neem leaves
golden

perfect begining

no deep sleep yesterday night
becoz of the yearning to connect
to my own inner self

i remember being awake in my sleep

woke up so alive
at 5 am today, to do
breathing and meditation for two hours

now refreshed and totally rejuvinated

going to treat today's day
with love and care
going to hold each moment in my palm
as if it was all i had

what a perfect begining to a beautiful day!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

lost and found

to be a blade of grass
and dissapear in the fields of green

but it is just a matter of time
till i am found..

by a sun ray, eager to warm my heart
and a rain drop, desperate to drench my soul

awakened

the brightness of my heart, lights up the days
through the sun rays

the radiance of my soul, lights up the nights
through the moon light

either times, it is me who makes my world
come alive and awakens it

cleansing

digging into the well of my soul
to reach out to myself
to reach in to myself

drilling a hole into my heart
to let my pain ooze out
to let my shame pour out

dont tell me, i cant do it this lifetime,
i can't help it, there is nothing i want more!

Saturday, February 04, 2006

i miss

i miss..
picking up his shirt and smelling his scent in it
the long phone conversations
telling him all my problems
sharing my day and my time and me with him
a part of me which lives in him
the part of him which is still alive in me

in all the lonliness and emptiness
that i feel without him
i still have a few moments of
pure peace and joy
which emanate from 'me'

and i suddenly realise,
how much i will miss these very moments tommorrow, if they are gone..
my emptiness and lonelinss are my companions
they help me reflect on myself

they are my teachers
they suck away my pains and sorrows
and breath life into my lungs

they teach me to love without a reason or a person
and surrender a battle already won

Thursday, February 02, 2006

the tie

My doctor comes every dialysis to take rounds. He used to be very rude to me, long ago. Because i was always asking him countless questions and not ready to be a puppet in his hands. Eventually, something changed, and our relationship improved. Since the last one year, he loves me. He lets me take all the decisions pertaining to my health. Somehow, he has developed trust in me. He treats me like one of his daughters. He even let me reduce my dialysis from 3 times a week to 2 long ago, without making any fuss. The reason i reduced my dialysis was to have my weekends free to do whatever. Normally, patients don't dare to ask him these questions, as he can be very dominating and controlling.

But now, our equation has changed. Today he came to me saying, "anu, my darling how are you doing." I said, "coudnt be better". He said "so, can you point out the difference in me today?" As he said this, like a kid, he kept looking at his tie. I realised, probably, this must be the same tie i gifted him, when i was discharged from the hospital for the first time, after the diagnosis of a Chronic renal failure.

I said, "oh wow, isnt this the same tie i gifted you doc?". Doc was giggling like a kid and had this huge grin on his face and told me, "anu, today morning i was thinking of you. I then realised, it was thusday today, and you will be coming for dialysis. So, i wore the tie you gifted me. Dosen't this look good on me? Its a good tie. I am really fond of it."