Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Saturday, January 07, 2006

die a virgin

Can you believe, i am still a virgin. Anyone who has read the poems i wrote in a horny state of mind and body will not believe it. Neither can i. But the fact is i still am a virgin.

I have a strange feeling i must have been a very respectful shameless whore in one of my previous lifetimes. Becoz a part of me can easily absorb and explore anything in sexuality and sensuality.

I was in one of those horny moods. And during that time i get very nasty. If i were with a man, i would talk nastily and be so bold and demanding and so easily submissive at the same time, i could blow anyone's mind i think.

But quiet the contrary happenned when i met up with my bf last year. He was pretty much bored with me. And i was tensed and nervous and scared that it would hurt. So nothing much happenned and i did not get fucked.

Someone was laughing at my virginity. He said i will probably be the next 40 year old virgin in a few decades. (I believe there was some show like that going on) I just shrugged my shoulders. Hey, i was thinking, you expect me to feel guilty just becoz my hole is not poked enough number of times to be called fuked?

My friend at work was asking me how can i control this feeling. I told her probably becoz i have not tasted the real thing. So i dont know what i am missing. So what do i do when i am horny? I amuse myself. I fuck my brains out. I masturbate. I think i have fallen in love with my own sexuality.

I dont know if this is good or bad, but that is all i can afford right now.

Bascially i am scared of indian men. (i dont mean to offend people reading my blog) i am talking about the men i have met and dealt with and the indian men i have access too. I cannot relate to them at a deeper level. I can become very submissive in sex but i am genuinely nervous as to whether these men can handle me.

I tend to be in such a vulnerable state of mind at that time. So after all the roleplay of abuse, humiliation and all i need tonns of love and affection...the kind you would give to your child. And i can make out the difference when one is pretending to love for sex and when there is genuine concern for the other person.

I can give but in total honesty, trust and safety topped with love and appreciation. I cannot find any man like that here. The strip-tease (it is somewhere in one of the articles) i went to had guys whom i could relate to.

If you want a bitch at night, give her equal rights to treat you like a bastard during the roleplay. Let her play with your body and feel the joy of being able to express the most nastiest feelings to someone who you love and not be ridiculed for it or critisised for it. Let her know your secrets and unveil them and love you for it.

If you want a whore in bed, you have to treat her very tenderly so that she lets go of her pretenses and inhibitions. And after the act is over you have to get her back to safely to the banks of the river from the deep seas where she drowned for you and her. If you abandon her there, she wont dive ever again...and sometimes there is a danger that she may drown.

I want to meet a man who can love me as he loves himself.
Who can treat me as kindly as he treats himself.
Who can love my body as if it were his own and treat it with respect.

And it is okay even if i dont meet such a man. I am not in a hurry. I dont have to do anything if i am not convinced of it or becoz i am getting older. If i do it this time, it will be in full consciousness in total love.

And whoever said you have to get fucked at all..? I might choose to die a virgin, afterall!


Blogger Amrit said...

:D me first but

:| no comments

10:10 PM, January 07, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

:)alright still amused me with your comment.

10:23 PM, January 07, 2006  
Blogger poppy said...

I think I'll see pigs flying if you die a virgin :-D

The 40-year-old virgin is a movie - I've heard it's pretty hilarious. Will go see it sometime soon.

I'm sure you'll have one of such lovely experiences, babe. Things and people come to you when you need them the most. Good things take time. So, just you wait. And, till then - fuck your brains out and "blow" us away! ;)


11:19 PM, January 07, 2006  
Blogger Amrit said...

hey u find my comments that funny?????? :(

11:56 PM, January 07, 2006  
Blogger MikeDoe said...

"I have a strange feeling i must have been a very respectful shameless whore in one of my previous lifetimes. Becoz a part of me can easily absorb and explore anything in sexuality and sensuality."

That is nothing to do with a previous life. In each of us there is a shameless whore. In men it manifests as a desire to fuck in every which way and in women as a desire to be fucked in every which way. When two people can meet and express that truth in some form then it is party time!

(If my memory serves me well)

To deny this part of ourselves would be to deny the fullness of our being.

Trust me, when you meet the right guy (or close enough) you'll work out what to do quite quickly and naturally.

Being a virgin is a state of mind. If the right things have not been put in the right holes then you ar e a virgin.

At this point in time, you and I are seeing exactly the same amount of action so does a label matter? I have not fucked for so long now that I begin to wonder if I will ever remember how to fuck. It's like being a virgin with the added stigma of the fact that you 'should know' exactly what to do. Frankly, I'm sure I'll work it all out when the time is right (and when I have a womanfriend)

[I deliberately used the term fucking rather than 'making love' because one does not quite capture the reality of the other]

12:06 AM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

Sweet magical mysty dust :) Pigs you know that side of me so i guess you make sense. And tell me if i fit into that role @40yr old virgin.

Hey misty? did you know that anu means irish goddess of virginity and magic and fertility. Probably i can blame it on my name;-)

Amrit - aww i said amused in a nice way. I did not mean to offend you at all. Your comments always make me smile, that is all i wanted to say :)

12:06 AM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

John so beautifull you have expressed yourself. And you are not even ashamed to use the words fuck and stuff freely.

Somehow i like this very much. And i so liked it when you said - In each of us there is a shameless whore - and i pretty proud of the one in me ;-)

Just that i cannot express her or set her free. Becoz i am scared of her safety..i always want her to be treated with respect and dignity for having the courage and conviction in herself to reveal her fantasies openly. I want her in safe hands always.

Thanks John i loved what you said, it is so healing your words always.

12:14 AM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger Amrit said...

:) like this

12:21 AM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger Lone Wolf said...

Anu- I have a dirty secret? I have been hoping patiently that you would talk about your sex life again. lol I enjoy for the most part everything you write, especially your poetry and spirtual views. But I have to admit the dirty secret knocking in the back of my mind.

Now, I think more women in the world should love themselves enough to have your attitude about sex. Your virginity is a beautiful sacred thing. Hold on to it till you find the right man. If a guy picks on you for being a virgin, he is just trying to be the first to take it. Better to find someone that loves you sweety. I myself am very cautious when it comes to sex because I'd rather not have kids with someone unless I know I want to spend the rest of my life with them. But I am weak so I continue to have sex, before I even know I am really in love with that women. Though I take much precautions, still things happen. Maybe I should be so strong to just "fuck my brains out" myself until I find the women I want to marry.

12:50 AM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

amirt :)

1:07 AM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

Lonewolf - Ha ha. I have many dirty secrets of my own and i try to reveal what i can. In revealing it i am trying to accept them as a part of me and not be ashamed of them.

But the fact is, i am a horny lil kid. And this is how i am ;-) I dont want to change myself.

And it is okay to be turned on and to feel and express your hormones so long as you respect the other person's feelings too. I am glad you expressed your feelings.

And I probably, will never marry and never ever have kids.

I have to grow up first.

1:24 AM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger Beth said...

"Just that i cannot express her or set her free. Becoz i am scared of her safety..i always want her to be treated with respect and dignity for having the courage and conviction in herself to reveal her fantasies openly. I want her in safe hands always."

you are very wise, anu. many people with such strong sexuality would not be able to have the self-awareness and self-control to find a sex partner who is deserving. by deserving, i mean that you can put yourself out there as you are and you will be emotionally safe. hmm. i don't think i was quite so wise in this area at your age.

i think there is a precept in buddhism about being ethical in sexual matters. i interpret this to mean that whatever you are into---it may be a one night stand... s & m... a relationship or ...whatever the key is to not intentionally do emotional damage to the other person.

it seems like the person you are holding out for would be that kind of person. sexually free, open, completely horny...but not an asshole.
i do hope you find him. actually, i have faith you will! your energy draws good things to it. virgin is just a label, anyway. and we don't like labels much around here :)

5:36 AM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger Beth said...

i just wanted to thank you for your sexual frankness, and add an explanation about why in the past i commented about being uncomfortable with one of your horny posts. as you know, i was on quite a bit of medication for about 3 years that killed my libido. well, it was awful to walk around in a sexual world with no sexual feelings whatsoever. i felt like a freak, and i hated it. any movie, any porn, any sexually provocative advertisement just made me so aware of what i was not. as a result i would avoid situations that would remind me of my predicament. so...that was why i felt uncomfortable. perhaps envious of what i used to have. what i'm getting back now that the drug has left my system. it feels great to join the land of the living. or the land of the fucking, as the case may be. so THANKS for your honesty. and my apologies.

6:35 AM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger MikeDoe said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:52 PM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger MikeDoe said...

"i think there is a precept in buddhism about being ethical in sexual matters."

There is. Like all precepts this is just a suggestion. Actual mechanics are unimportant. Given the blending that occurs with Sex I think one night stands are unhelpful/self-destructive as are poor partner choices.

Maybe "don't fuck their body unless you also want to fuck the person" would be a be better working precept.

P.S. Ignorance is Bliss. Once you know what you are missing, you miss it even more.

P.S.2 Will you please stop talking about fucking. I am finding it most unhelpful given the lack of a fucking friend in my life at this moment ;-)

4:31 PM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger Horny Old Guy said...

I loved your post and your honesty. Few of us over the age of 12 have the courage to admit we are or ever have been virgins! It's like's always something that everybody is doing but us. Cheers!

8:19 PM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger Beth said...

i agree with you, johnzendoe. the reason i included the whole gamut of sexual preferences was just to illustrate how that whatever sexual situation a person may desire, there is a way to behave ethically, treating the other person as a human being, and making sure that you yourself are treated with respect. i think the precept is quite resilient. i like to stay away from the "thou shalt nots" because when you go down that road your list of don'ts just keeps getting ridiculously long. so i'd rather not promote or prohibit any particular behavior.

10:12 PM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

Kim - I dont know much about the fucking aspects Kim. I have not done much with a partner. My bf was amazing and he took me through all of this so i am in a position to share it boldly with everyone here. But in real, it did not click when we tried stuff. That hurts beczo it makes me wonder if i am a fake and a sham afterall. I dont have the slightest clue..but i could not hold him or even move my lips properly to kiss him. I was so nervous and shivering..i had no clue what i was doing. I wish it had been better but it was just that.

So despite and inspite all these erotic stories and poems which i will keep fantacising i have no frigging clue if i will be good on bed.

But i guess i can enter the guiness book of world records as the virgin who fucked her brains out and took her virginity away ;-)

Thank you for sharing your personal precious feelings and experiences. I understand Kim what you would have gone through doing the medication period. But wow that phase is over now so happy fucking once again ;-)

10:22 PM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

John - To tell you the truth after all this encouragement from all of you, i am planning to write some erotic poems, sitting here naked.

It totally turns me on to be nude and plus express my horny feelings publicly.

I have done it in the past and the energy is amazing when i can see my own nude body in the mirror here and type. Feel each part and type. The stickiness and the wetness.

I dont know if you will be offended by it all. And what it may or may not do to you ;-)

To me it is just that the dirty horny lil whore in me loves to come out once a while and do a nude dance.

I understand your feelings esp without a fucking friend around but i cannot help it, those are the very feelings i am trying to get out of my system here lol

I wish you all the best in your expansions and contractions ;-)

10:30 PM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

Horny guy - Thank you for your kind words. Well, frankly i enjoy masturbation a LOT. I dont have anyone to please or impress. There are no dos and donts. I can do what i want with my body. Put whatever in my holes. Do a naked dance. Bark like a dog in front of my mirror.

And after all this, i can still not worry about what 'i will think of myself'. I need not be ashamed of myself. Becoz i love myself and trust myself to handle all this.

And most importantly, i might win my own trust and my own love for my body..eventually and hopefully this will connect me deeper within me.

10:37 PM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger MikeDoe said...

Anu: "I dont know if you will be offended by it all.""

There is nothing left that can offend me. Do whatever you want to express yourself. Creating this energy is great, but it is in one sense being both shared and wasted.

I am aware in the fullness of my breadth of thoughts, but thinking and doing are not the same thing.

Maybe I should write some fucking prose (unpublished though) ?

10:49 PM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

Go ahead write it John, i could use it. Well none of this ever goes wasted in my opinion John :)

It is merely an expression..and eventually i want it to flow like i write the other stuff without feeling the taboos attached to expressing it feeling.

'Thinking and doing are not the same'- true. Good for the ones who can do it. And for the ones who cannot like me..they will try and make themselves happy with whatever they have.

10:59 PM, January 08, 2006  
Blogger Zofo The Hermit of Wandering Thoughts said...

Voice 1:
Virginity, o
where will you
go once I lose you.

Voice 2:
I'm off to
a place I shall
never come back
Dear Friend
I shall never
come back to you


I miss my virginity.....

3:02 AM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger Nina said...

Every woman is a virgin until she finds true love or true love finds her. A woman may have many lovers, but only one true love that she will give herself completely,without reservtion or regret. Only one will ever see the secret she guards so dearly. One day you will find yourself making lovc, for the first time, and your heart will overflow, and your soul will soar, whether or not you have had sex with one or one hundred. Only then will you give your precious virginity to someone who is worthy. I wish all this for you, its worth the wait.

take care Anu

8:37 AM, January 09, 2006  
Blogger Nonedone said...

Wow, and people still doubt if sex sells.

1:58 AM, January 10, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

Sorry friends i did not reply back to the comments earlier. Somedays i am really tired from work and my brain does not function. That time i just want to read and type some nonsense. Cant write becoz cannot think.

Zofo - such a sweet poem. i really felt i should treasure it after reading your lovely soft words..smiling..they were ringing in my ears long after i read it.

Nina - Thank you sweetie. So nicely put Nina. It is so nice to be loved and to have sex. I always wonder how it must be to be loved by a man and surrender to him...emmm sounds really refreshing and yummy. :)

Nonedone - whos doubting? not me.

10:26 PM, January 10, 2006  
Blogger temppixie said...

The most erotic part of the body is the brain! Until you feel you 'know' yourself, then it will be dificult for anyone else to truley please you. Know one's self, is the most important lesson. Although I was married for nearly 20 yrs, it is only since I have been alone, that my sex life has given me a new freedom!

3:03 AM, January 14, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

Wow Pixie, so beautifully you said, "The most erotic part of the body is the brain". Thank you for your wise words. I shall work in that direction :) Hugs

9:57 AM, January 14, 2006  

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