little miss anu

Name:
Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

boundless energy

From the last 6 days, i have been having just 3-4 hours sleep every day. But this time i am not depressed or tired or crying. I have been waking up at 2:30-3 am in the morning to attend a yoga camp. I reach the yoga camp at 4 am, meditate for an hour, just look at the open sky and stars or people and listen to the bhajans (devotional songs). The yoga teacher comes and teaches breathing exercises from 5-8 am. This is a seven day camp and tomm is the last day. I am going to so miss the camp.

I have my rick driver to drive me upto the camp at 3:30 am in the morning. He sleeps in the rick outside my building and picks me up in the morning. We offer him hot tea at 3am in the morning to refresh himself. He is not ready to take any extra money from me, says he will do it anyways. So he burns a mosquito coil inside his rick and covers himself with a cotton bedsheet and sleeps inside the rick itself. He says he is very comfortable there. He is afraid that if he goes home, he may not hear the alarm clock, while here, he will wake up easily.

I leave the camp and directly head to work from there. So i kindof reach work by 8:30 am and there is no traffic on the roads too. I have been really focussed at work, with meetings and reports and discussions. I work hard upto 7-8 pm and then leave for home. I reach home by 9pm, have my dinner by 10:00 pm and then by 11pm i am dead tired and in bed.

The days when i have to go for dialysis, i leave from work by 4pm and reach my hospital by 5pm. There is a queue in the hospital and i line up in the queue for my bed. My dialysis starts at 6pm and ends at 10pm. I am back home by 11pm. The dialysis days are a bit tiring.

But, yet i am so so so damn fresh and feeling energetic. I have managed to put in 10hours work at office and completed a chunk of reports and analysis. I do feel sleepy many times during the day, if i am sitting idle. But, even a few winks, make me really fresh.

Oh, and in between, i manage to find time to even fuck myself...yes the same old method..masturbation.

Taking in fresh oxygen and letting out the carbon dioxide, cleans the body from its toxins, cleans the mind from its incessant thoughts and heals the heart from its aches. Yoga helps not only the body, but also the mind. I also spend a lot of time, of my day, in silence. When i am travelling, i used to listen to my walkman earlier. Now i just sit quietly and do nothing and just 'be'.

So, if you are wondering, whats up with these new poems, they are things i feel when i am trying to be silent or think i am being silent. I never knew, there was so much power in the inner focus, peace and silence. A quiet recognition of the self and a quiet appreciation of oneself and non-judgement helped to clear a lot of the clutter in my head.

I do my act but dont try to fill my moments so that they pass so fast that i dont even realise that i am living them.

I am trying to 'live' my life.
I am having this deep desire to cure / heal myself.
I am over flowing with life and energy.
I am going to learn to balance it now.

For myself, just for me, this time i want to do it.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

feather

leaving all its cares behind
releasing all its limiting beliefs
surrendering to its highest power
a feather floats carelessly in the air

the pink kite

a pink kite
torn in two peices
stuck on the tamrind tree
still glows in the glory
of the golden sunrays

sermon

cannot understand the language
but, the tone is so sweet
the words are so clear

fills me with joy and peace
to listen to the sermon
given this sunday morning

by the myna
sitting high
on the neem tree

Saturday, January 28, 2006

sound day

today i celebrate sound day
listening to all sounds quietly

early morning bhajans
my own breath in and out
warm rays of the sun
sparows chirping
crows cawing
vessels in the kitchen

sweeper sweeping the compound
a rickshaw running somewhere far
water drops falling in the bucket
children playing in the muddy garden

focussing on all sounds around me
i empty my mind of all its sounds

milkman

every morning
even as the city sleeps
and the dogs bark

a lone milkman paddles along,
balancing his huge aluminium milk pots
on either side of his old bicycle.

Friday, January 27, 2006

bliss

3 am, so chilly
bucket-full of hot water
aah...eternal bliss

Thursday, January 26, 2006

independence

today - 26th Jan
my country celebrates
its independence day

while i continue
the struggle for my own
in-dependence in the days and nights

three's a crowd?

4 am
lying under the sky
we stare at each other --

me,
one half moon
and three stars

new additions to my wardrobe

many moods i have
many colours i change

three new colours i added
to my wardrobe recently

the colours of
silence, stillness and solitude

breath

still dark
yet it is morning

only sounds---
breath in and out

only witnesses---
earth below me
sky above me

Monday, January 23, 2006

the wedding

overweight busty women
decked in jewellery
loud makeup

venue with coloured lights
pink flowers and golden drapes
glitterring decor

groom on a decorated horse
garlands of hundred rupee notes
loud music and dancing

delicious varieties of mouthwatering dishes
starters and drinks in the banquet hall
people stuffing themselves

sometimes i am so glad
i have no money for all this
i have no society to please and
no wedding to invite you to.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

night

black sky
darkness everywhere

plop comes out the moon
from behind the clouds
now---

brightness everywhere

things to do

2:30 pm in the afternoon
on this sunny day

no more blog reading
no more chatting
no more emails

for today i've done my bit
30 minutes a day it is

i've new books to read
blank canvas to paint on
doucments to work on

i've meditation to do
yoga to do
walks to take

i've to clean my closet
wash my clothes
throw away things i dont need

i've poems to write
even if it is on the blog
i've kidneys to revive
i've a heart to heal

i've tons of work to do
i'm moving on with my life

Saturday, January 21, 2006

stand up i say!

called up my rickshaw guy
wanted him to pick me up
so that i can go somewhere

i asked him "how are you doing"
he says "oh great couldnt be better".

he asked me "how are you doing "
i said "fine, can you pick me up today"

he said "oh, my vehicle is on repairs since last night
i am sorry, really sorry, wont be able to pick you up"

i said "that is alright, thank you very much"
he asks cheerfully "i am at home now, having my lunch
have you had your lunch?"

my face brightens up and i say
"not yet, but in a while i will" and we hang up

Something about this whole episode cheered me up once again
it is these little things in life and small steps we take once a while
which will makes all the difference i guess

The lows and the deppressions will try in vain
to pull me down
the tsunamis of pain and hurt will try again
to flood my heart

but in once a while,
the waves receed back
and the valleys brighten up

flowers blossom once again
fresh strawberries scatterred all along

anu picks them up happily
and starts walking once again..

broken mirror

wish i had amenesia
i did not have any past memories

when my relationship broke
wish i can remember the bad parts

but i remember only the love and laughter
the kindness, the companionship and yearning

wish we were made for each other
but i see what we have made up of each other now

it started with love
and ended with bitterness

i am so tempted to call him up
and beg for forgiveness

just to get rid of this pain
that i feel from his anger and indifference

it is so hard to be alone
and to pick up the peices

to know they wont join again
no matter how hard i try
the broken mirror always reveals the crack

cobbler

cobbler across the street
mends shoes for rupees 5

wonder if he will do a good job
if i send him my broken heart?

Friday, January 20, 2006

time to deliver

my today has come
to be all that i want
to be all that i can
to be all that i will

keeping my promise to myself
not giving in to any temptations
i will be more than i thought i could be

no power is greater than me
no mind is stronger than mine

i can always start once again
i can always make a new begining

i have no one to please
i have no expectations to meet

in this moment of time, i will
live as if i never made a mistake
love as if i've never seen fear
work as if i report to god
be joyous as if i have all that i want
breathe as if this is my last breath

Thursday, January 19, 2006

no matter what

i dont want to be depressed
i dont want to skip my dialysis
to punish myself and my body
becoz i cannot handle emotional issues

i shall try to hynotise myself
i shall start by believing things will change
i will take each second at a time

no matter what, just for tommorrow
i will focus only on positive thoughts and energies

no matter what, just for tommorrow
i will believe everyone really loves me and cares for me

no matter what, just for tommorrow
i will believe i enjoy perfect health

no matter what, just for tommorrow
i will believe that r and i have resolved all our differences

no matter what, just for tommorrow
i will believe that i am enjoying fruitful loving relationships

no matter what, just for tommorrow
i will believe that it is my last day on earth
so i will make the most of it

i am not done yet
i am not ready to give up yet
neither on my life nor on myself

there i go..once again

under the navy blue sky
i walk alone tonight

fears are haunting me
like dark clouds

no idea if i am living a real life
or i am a big lie pretending to be truth

old cycles have come back again
like dead men walking

i thought i am over and done with them
but it appears they are here to stay for a while

i am tired of my own mood swings
i am sick of the drama i create in my life

i have no idea where this will lead to
i have no idea how this will end
both the poem and my life

time to wake up

another night
long talks
comparing notes

similar stories
same heartaches
and traumas

mirrors shatterred
no more illusions
handsome prince
turns into a dark toad

sleeping beauties
wake up once again, but this time
not to the kiss of the prince

but to the kiss of the truth, which
no matter how much you hide it
eventually illuminates the darkest valleys
with its warm golden sunrays

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

put me to sleep

black sky
mid-night
slumbering trees
but i am not sleepy tonight

dogs barking
mosquitoes biting
garden bulb burning
but i am not sleepy tonight

cotton bedsheets
sponge filled pillows
waiting for me
but i am not sleepy tonight

nice warm man
heart full of love
extended arms
and i will sleep peacefully every night

Sunday, January 15, 2006

fairy in a flower

i saw a fairy in a flower
with silver transparent wings
golden glitter around her magic wand
which makes dreams come true

have you seen a fairy in a flower?
it is so simple, so easy
just close your eyes and see

for some of the most precious
things in this world
are seen with the eyes closed
and felt with every heart beat

hairy bush

the curly black hairs
have now grown a lot

it is like a huge forest
which needs trimming

super low waist jeans
hairs sticking out of it

legs wide spread apart
but no holes seen, just a bush

carefully i shave it
revealing the nude bare puss

my own inquisitive eyes
eager to see my own pussy

vertical lips
sticking to each other

i seperate it with my fingers
milk oozing out

time to milk it
let out the heat

time to stick a finger in it
and shake the tits
and cum like a bitch in heat

Saturday, January 14, 2006

my new outfit

bright brown mud colour blouse
piped with flouroscent green works
of round beads and south indian jerri

from the brown mud colour face
stares two big fish shaped eyes
and a broken smile

black tight pants
perfect fitting for me
the only one i have

black with brown streaks
my long long hair
falling below my waist

together as a package
we are both headed
to buy a home for us
in this wide wild world

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Rukhsar II

Have you ever wanted inspiration to live life? Inspite of the fears, insecurities, scarcity of resources, challenges...life is still beautiful. And if we need proof, all we need is to look around. I looked around myself and found Rukhsar.

This is not my story. This is the story of my beauty parlour girl Rukhsar who does my eyebrows, waxing and head massages.

Part I on this story is in the archives Sunday, November 13, 2005, Inspired by simple ordinary souls. I dont know how to paste the links here sorry.

I went to the parlour yesterday as i had to trim my eyebrows and wax my long slender arms. As i entered, i saw Rukhsar standing there. She saw one glance of me and her face glowed with joy and she took her hands to her face and screamed "Oh god, anu it is you..it is you". I was so happy seeing how happy and absolutely delighted she was to see me. I went over and hugged her. She said someone had wrongly written my name as amu so she was not aware i am coming. She said she is so happy to meet me and we went inside.

Normally i am so scared when they wax my left arm. There is a tiny surgery and the needle scars are so fresh becoz i get pricked twice a week. But i have to wax my arm too becoz if i dont, the tiny strands of hair get stuck to the plasters they stick on my arm when i get dialysed and it hurts badly when they peel the plaster out. But with Rukhsar she knows so i dont have to tell her to be extra-careful of my arm while waxing it.

As she went about her work, i asked her how her life is going. She told me she has managed to buy a few things for her home...cooking gas, a stove, some utensils and finally some food for herself and her 2 yr old son. Then she said that her son had not eaten a roti (a wheat pancake which is eaten with some curry in India) for 8 months. So she purchased some flour, some vegetables, a little ghee, eggs etc on her way back home and one evening sat to prepare rotis for her son. That little boy was so excited, he sat on the floor cross-legged with his plate and glass of water and waited for his mom to serve him piping hot rotis. He had been waiting since such a long time for this moment.

Rukhsar prepared the curry and served it to him. Then she mixed the flour and rolled small balls out of it. Then she spread the balls with a long rod and made round small rotis with it. Finally when she took the roti in her hand to heat it on a flat pan she realised that she forgot to purchase the flat pan. The roti cannot be eaten unless it it heated on a pan and it gets hot and cooked. She and her son burst out laughing. Her son said. "Mom you purchased everything except the pan to cook the roti."

I asked her, why didnt she just go out and buy it. She said "oh anu, i spent all my money in buying other things for house and paying the rent etc and now i had no money left to buy a pan." I was stunned. Then i asked her what did you do with all that food? She said "we could not eat it, so i went down and gave it to the beggars". "Then ?" i asked. She said "then what? i cooked rice and i and my son ate rice". I asked her, "so arnt you going to buy the pan ?" She said "anu i dont have money this month, next month i shall buy the pan, hopefully".

And she laughing, happily went on with her work. There was no pain in her voice or no anger or no resentment or jealousy towards the people who were richer or better-off. She was happy doing what she was doing.

Rukhsar told me she has been working from 9 am in the morning and when i went it was already 7:30 pm. She says this will go on upto 9 pm. I asked her what time she will reach home. She said she will reach home by 10:30 pm. And then she has to cook rice (the only food they have since last few months) and a curry and feed her son and eat too. Then she has to wash the vessels and clean the kitchen and house. Then she has to wash all the clothes. By the time this is all over, it is 2:30 am in the morning when she sleeps. She wakes up at 6 am and again after doing all the house work and leaving her son at the cresh, she rushes to the beauty parlour.

She told me, "anu, now i dont feel anything. when i lie on the bed, i realise how badly my body is aching. I dont have a single minute rest the whole day. But it is fun. At least i have lots and lots of work. I am busy and doing my own thing. What more could i ask for?"

She lives on rent and the landlord when he drinks screams through his balcony asking "who are you sleeping with?" She is busy washing her clothes that time.

Nids and I are going to buy her a pan to make rotis. J has sent me some money which i will be giving it to her.

Do i need more inspiration to go on with my life? Whenever i do, i need to look around at Rukhsar and such others and i know i can find all the inspiration i want ... only if i open my eyes and look around.

Sometimes, we dont need to read about Bill gates or Helen of Troy to motivate ourselves to go on with our life, a simple 26 year old single mom in my beauty parlour who lives alone in Bombay and earns her own money and works happily for 12 hours a day to go back home and put in another 5 hours is more than the inspiration i could ask for...ever!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

raining tears

cracked earth
waiting for rains
to quench its thirst

love starved
eyes full of tears
falling down my cheeks

Saturday, January 07, 2006

die a virgin

Can you believe, i am still a virgin. Anyone who has read the poems i wrote in a horny state of mind and body will not believe it. Neither can i. But the fact is i still am a virgin.

I have a strange feeling i must have been a very respectful shameless whore in one of my previous lifetimes. Becoz a part of me can easily absorb and explore anything in sexuality and sensuality.

I was in one of those horny moods. And during that time i get very nasty. If i were with a man, i would talk nastily and be so bold and demanding and so easily submissive at the same time, i could blow anyone's mind off...so i think.

But quiet the contrary happenned when i met up with my bf last year. He was pretty much bored with me. And i was tensed and nervous and scared that it would hurt. So nothing much happenned and i did not get fucked.

Someone was laughing at my virginity. He said i will probably be the next 40 year old virgin in a few decades. (I believe there was some show like that going on) I just shrugged my shoulders. Hey, i was thinking, you expect me to feel guilty just becoz my hole is not poked enough number of times to be called fuked?

My friend at work was asking me how can i control this feeling. I told her probably becoz i have not tasted the real thing. So i dont know what i am missing. So what do i do when i am horny? I amuse myself. I fuck my brains out. I masturbate. I think i have fallen in love with my own sexuality.

I dont know if this is good or bad, but that is all i can afford right now.

Bascially i am scared of indian men. (i dont mean to offend people reading my blog) i am talking about the men i have met and dealt with and the indian men i have access too. I cannot relate to them at a deeper level. I can become very submissive in sex but i am genuinely nervous as to whether these men can handle me.

I tend to be in such a vulnerable state of mind at that time. So after all the roleplay of abuse, humiliation and all i need tonns of love and affection...the kind you would give to your child. And i can make out the difference when one is pretending to love for sex and when there is genuine concern for the other person.

I can give but in total honesty, trust and safety topped with love and appreciation. I cannot find any man like that here. The strip-tease (it is somewhere in one of the articles) i went to had guys whom i could relate to.

If you want a bitch at night, give her equal rights to treat you like a bastard during the roleplay. Let her play with your body and feel the joy of being able to express the most nastiest feelings to someone who you love and not be ridiculed for it or critisised for it. Let her know your secrets and unveil them and love you for it.

If you want a whore in bed, you have to treat her very tenderly so that she lets go of her pretenses and inhibitions. And after the act is over you have to get her back to safely to the banks of the river from the deep seas where she drowned for you and her. If you abandon her there, she wont dive ever again...and sometimes there is a danger that she may drown.

I want to meet a man who can love me as he loves himself.
Who can treat me as kindly as he treats himself.
Who can love my body as if it were his own and treat it with respect.

And it is okay even if i dont meet such a man. I am not in a hurry. I dont have to do anything if i am not convinced of it or becoz i am getting older. If i do it this time, it will be in full consciousness in total love.

And whoever said you have to get fucked at all..? I might choose to die a virgin, afterall!

Friday, January 06, 2006

watchman

Every night, under the neem tree, sits my watchman on an old chair chatting with a friend.

They laugh and crack jokes, they share their day and discuss politics and money matters.

Then the watchman closes my building gate, locks the entrance grill and sleeps inside the second entrance on a donated cot with just one bedsheet

Every morning he washes cars,guards my building and does errand jobs.

I always wonder
how does he find passion in his life?
where is the excitement for him?
what about his sense of adventure?
his earthly materialistic goals?
has he ever fallen in love?

his simplicity
his modesty
his humility
is so inspiring

He seems so content and at ease with himself.
He lives his life with an effortless ease.
He seems to have made peace with his life.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

carry it with me

bright round orange sun
shimmerring yellow neem leaves

caw caw say my crows
chew chew say my sparrows

early morning magical misty dust
no bruises in my soul, no hatred in my heart

every night i sleep with blocked energy
every morning god wakes me up after setting it free

a glow on my face right now..
is it the golden sun rays?
or is it the inner sun light?

have resolved to carry it with me throughout the day
so that god has less work to do on me tonight!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

some peace please

I hate to be depressed. The energy is killing me. It almost suffocated me today after dialysis and i was on the verge of throwing up.

This time before i die, i want to achieve closure to many issues. There should be no unfinished business left here.

I want to heal my relationship with my parents, my romantic relationship and the people at work. I love each of the people i have been associated with in very special ways. Things did not work out for us as we desired. I am not going to blame them or me for what happenned.

I want peace of mind..dammit.

I cannot get that peace by keeping my hurt feelings, anger, secret hatred, jealousy, resentment (and so much more) burried deep down in my heart. I have to let them go from my heart...i have to let go of those feelings. That is the only way i think i can heal.

So i am cleansing my energy and sending loving thoughts to all the people who i have been closely associated with. Who have been a huge part of my life. Who made a difference to me at various stages. Whom i love...

I want to forget and forgive everyone including myself for any wrong i have done to others. I want to heal...

I will do this exercise daily, everyday, so that at least from my side, i would have begun my journey towards healing..

I am in pieces now...all i want is some peace..

Sunday, January 01, 2006

All evening i was feeling low as i was alone here sitting in my room with nothing much to do. I was wondering what is all this hype and fuss about the new year.

Then i went to look out of my balcony. I saw the children's garden and saw four kids playing in two seperate groups of two each. They were climbed up the slides and the absract structures and climbed down. They slide down the slides happily laughing and screaming. They were all girls and it was 8:30 pm in the night. They had their mom and grandpa to help them climb the abstract structures and swing from there.

The whole garden was empty. While the whole world was planning parties, cruises, bonfires and excursions, these kids were happily enjoying in the muddy garden with their slides and swings. There was no fuss about the new year. There was no deppression in them that they were not doing something 'great' to welcome the new year. They probably did not even know or care that it was new year's eve.

To them it was probably the same day as every day. And to them every day is probably as special as a new year's eve. Every day is a mystry. Every day brings them magic. They look forward to wake up and dive into the each day with as much vigour and enthusiasm as ever. I saw plain fun and joy in their plays. I saw the eagerness with which they climebed the absract structures. I saw the joy with which they slide down the slides screaming and experiencing the thrilling sensations.

I saw that as i watched them sitting on my window sill with my legs outside, i used to burst out laughing seeing their antics and the fun things they were doing. I saw how engrossed they were in the muddy garden. I saw life treated so precious with fun and love sprinkled on it. I saw respect for every moment and an eagerness to venture into the moment as if it was all that existed and nothing else matterred...nothing really.

This is my newyear inspiration. The children playing in the muddy garden.

And later in the morning, when the clock stuck 12 am, it did not matter that i was not in the best parties of the world, it did not matter that i was not in the exotic clubs dancing with handsome dudes or getting drunk on a beach with belly dancers, i still felt the outburst of energy when we entered the new year 2006.

I felt as if life has entered my body and light has entered my soul.

I went to my bedroom window and sat on my bed and meditated quitely welcoming my love, my life, my joy and my entity into myself. I felt the power i behold. The energy i possess. I felt god sinking in me.

And i said a quiet prayer to my only witnesses:

the leaves of the forest flame tree,
the rosy sky and
the dark husky handsome (k)night..

Let me be
like the sun in seeing
like the fire in brilliance
like the wind in power
like the soma in fragrance
like the indra and agni in strength
like the brahaspati in intelligence
like the ashwins in beauty.

Wish you all a happy and lovely new year 2006 from anu :)