Name:
Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Saturday, December 10, 2005

transformation

I have undergone a transformation.

There was a time when i used to be 'proud' of having a kidney failure (it was first diagnosed two yrs ago). I was feeling glorious about it. I used to feel like a 'hero' who is battling all these irrsurmountable odds. Everyone around praised me for my positivity and attitude towards what they termed as an 'incurable disease'. How thrilled i would be about that. I was so fooled by this that i almost started to believe all of this.

People stare at me in the hospital becoz i am petitie and look like i am 20-22 years and i am pretty. They feel so bad for me and they cannot take their eyes off me when they see the needles going in my arm. I used to notice all of this. I used to feel good about it.

I always thought this was fabulous - finally everyone is begining to recognise me. Soon i felt the need to tell my story whereever i went. I even mentioned it in some or other context while writing comments in some blogs. I thought either i was giving them courage and motivation or i was sharing with them. At the drop of the hat, i used to mention about my kidneys so that others say 'wow, anu, you are so great!'.

Till recently i was basking in the 'false' glory of my failed kidneys. The attention i was getting from everyone was glowing brightly on my face. I almost got carried away to believing what a fabulous and inspiring person i am till i realised something sounds really profound to me.

The realisation has so shocked me that i go numb when anyone praises me. Probably becoz i am able to see the deeper beliefs in me and the games i am playing with myself in this whole drama.

The whole purpose of my life is to learn and grow. Life is never ending and death is just the begining of another life. There are countless probabilities and millions of permutations and combinations available for us to choose from. Still among all of them, if i have choosen the anu who has the 'kidney failure'. It is in this very anu to continue or change it or jump probabilities.

So whats all this drama i am getting into about me being heroic becoz i am battling a disease. A dis-ease is simply something on the outside. I think when you are ready to tackle a problem it manifests on the outside in the form of a physical illness. It probably does becoz its time has come and its time for you to recognise it and deal with it.
It wants 'your' attention.

There is something to 'learn' here and not to 'conquer', not to overcome here. I am no hero. Its just the right time in my life to probably use the disease to deal with certain core deep issues in my existence so that i am over and done with those classes.

I had almost gone off-track and begun to 'use' my kidney failure to gain 'attention and approval' from everyone. That attention however is coated with sympathy and i dont need that. Earlier i used to feel so special and feel what an inspiration i am to others. Now i feel different. I can almost see through the games i was playing with myself.

I am manipulating myself to believe that i am doing something great by tackling this kidney problem. That feeling gave me attention. I was using my kidneys to gain attention.

Thank god for this realisation.
If i am truely growing.
Kidneys or no kidneys
it should not matter to me.

I should not feel necessary
to portray myself as a 'hero'
or a warrior battling against
insurmountable odds
to win a war

In this moment of time
if i am really true to myself
i will be in a state of bliss
and boundless joy

and not need any prop
like my kidneys
to gain attention or
sympathy from the world

Probably then i have
learnt my lesson well
and my kidneys may
choose to rejuvinate
once again :-)

I hope you are listening
dearest kidneys

9 Comments:

Blogger Michael said...

Hi Anu,

This powerful post of yours shook me like an earthquake. I'm not sure how to respond.
I have the IDENTICAL doubts about my disease and my relationship to it as you express about yours.
For me, the fact that I feel fine physically makes me wonder if I'm not blowing my situation out of porportion and making more of it than it is.
Ironically, yesterday a good friend aasked me, "What do you get out of your blog?"
I told him that I was surprised he would ask such a question, and that it should be obvious to him that what I hope to "get" out of it is the catharsis of writing about and sharing my situation.
Your post raises some very deep emotions to which I'm not sure how to respond.
Anyway, I think I need to thank you for bringing them up, even though considering them is unpleasant.

10:57 AM, December 10, 2005  
Blogger anu said...

Dear Michael,

I am sorry that this post has shocked you.

It is not directed towards anyone but 'me'. It shocked me initially too and i took it very strongly. But there is something about me that no matter how hard i try, i cannot 'hide' away from the truth.

Sooner or later, i gather enough courage to stare at the truth (or at least what i consider to be the truth) on its face.

I keep doing that and working on it, till it has unvieled itself to me and every cell in my body has absorbed it.

I have always 'strived' to not need attention. But it seldom worked. I would pretend not to need it but invariably feel delighted inside to get it.

The next step was to face the truth that i really need this. I need my kidneys to fail because without it i cannot get that kind of attention, which i am craving for. I need to feel heroic.

And i can feel that since last two-three days. That i dont seem to need attention through my kidneys.

Again, I hope this is not a passing feeling but some real transformation.

It is begining to be so important for me to be honest to myself and not lie to myself.

Let me see where i go from here. All i know is that i am trying sincerely.

I want to grow, from here, right where i am. Enjoying the process, my journey, and every moment of it.

Knowing that it is not the end which is so significant but probably the journey.There is nowhere to go, its the making of anu which is exciting here :-)

12:17 PM, December 10, 2005  
Blogger madhavan said...

I want to say something to you but it does not come. Not sympathies for we all bear/have to bear a cross sooner or later. And your situation is just more intense only by degree to some others and less as compared to many others.
But I wonder, whether in the pain that each one of us goes through, in greater or milder degrees, whether there be any redemption from this in the long last. And I think there is, and that is what I wish to tell you. How you reach that point is an answer that you shall find, and it will come - take my word for it - provided you search for it.
And when I read your post, I see that at least you have begun the search. Maybe many ideas will mix and match and the optimism of your words today will give way to deep grief, maybe then there will be ecstasy, as the seasons change so will the moods. But if you remain at it, there will be answers at not only the end of it but, when it comes after a long long time, you will see, and for certain, you will see, that every step that you took in this self-seeking had answers strewn across it. That kidneys no kidneys, you were always complete.

2:53 PM, December 10, 2005  
Blogger anu said...

Yup Madhavan, loved your last line - "kidneys no kidneys, you were always complete"

And i am journeying from reading it aloud here to living it and actually feeling it.

Becoz it is just what it is meant to be right now. And you are so right about the search for self. Becoz finally all answers do come from within.

Thank you for your kind words. I so appreciate it. And thank you for stopping by.

3:28 PM, December 10, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

perhaps your kidney disease manifested so that you would come to this very realization. lesson being, self validation verses validation from others...self purpose too, as you heal you teach...i think we all seek to be glorified, why is that? maybe because we are all glorious but we all have forgotten how to recognize that, from within, in its true state. way to go, anu, you are not afraid to see the truth, the truth always leads you home. --blue

1:13 AM, December 11, 2005  
Blogger passion said...

I enjoyed reading your blog anu. You are very real!

Some people have problems in expressing their feelings especially sadness, inner contradition and anger because we feel guilty for these 'netagive feelings'. We are used to judge ourselves if we are 'good' or 'bad' or 'shameful'. But you, my friend, you are very real. You are very aware of your feelings and are able to stay truthful to them. It's a good thing.

I am sorry that you are going through this pain in life. Glad that this experience has triggered some sort of self-awakening in you. My deepest blessings to you!

1:26 AM, December 11, 2005  
Blogger greenbean said...

Dear Anu,It's good to express yourself and bare your soul - so to speak. It's something you've as a human being - your freedom to be yourself come what may. Kidneys or no kidneys, sadness or happiness, joy or grief - we have to face The Moment and focus on The Moment that we have NOW. Thanks for sharing. Deep Bows to you and may your health improve. May you continue to be happy and be cheerful and be well. Deep Bows.

8:20 AM, December 11, 2005  
Blogger Beth said...

wow! what a realization you had. you have a high level of self-awareness and honesty!i hope that your kidneys rejuvenate once again, as well.

11:55 AM, December 11, 2005  
Blogger anu said...

Blue - so true 'we all seek to be glorified'. Wonder why? Maybe becoz it gives us energy...with which we can accomplish so many things and feel good inside too.

If only we can tap that energy in ourselves, how fabulous, we wont be waiting and pining for the long lost love ever. Hugs Blue :)

Passion- Sweet pic :) There must be at least some moments in our life when we are / can be totally ourselves. Where we can let go and live the way we want. Where we can walk around stripped nude without worrying about the inquisitive glances and the curious looks from others. Where we need not hide. Where we can be all that we ever wanted to be. That is all i am trying to do here. I am trying to live a life i love here. I am trying to be all that i ever want to be here. Hopefully as i express myself more truthfully and honestly, i shall create circumstances and situations in my real life wherein i can be totally myself. I wont need to hide aspects of me and i wont need to pretend. I will be real and authentic. This is my rehersal :) The real take is in my life.

Greenbean - A child never hesitates to say anything. It cries when it wants and it does not feel necessary to be nice to anyone in particular. Yet children do not hurt or play games. I am trying to reach back to that child in me and bring her alive. I want to try stopping playing games with myself and others. And if my efforts are really honest and sincere, my kidneys will revive, and if they dont then too i am fine...like a child i will probably learn to endure that.

Kim - Thanks so much :) I hope this realisation stays and i implement it. It is one thing to talk about it and another to put it in action. Every blade of glass lives this way and every ray of sun knows this...yet it takes eons for us to understand and absorb and live this way.

7:26 PM, December 11, 2005  

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