Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Monday, December 19, 2005


The martial arts teachers operate in a very tiny flat in a building on a busy street. And they have all their punching bags and knives in that tiny room. I met this 24yr young girl who is a black belt and she told me about the class details. The charges are $600 for 6 months. Now that is such a huge amount for me. God, i wish there were some martial arts scholorships, which i could earn practising my ass off...i feel so guilty to spend so much.

The young girl explained me that they practise Jeet Kune Do. She showed me write ups, magazines, photographs and stuff. At the end of the discussion i began telling her about the kidneys. She seemed in shock and examined my left arm and called the teacher.

The teacher is a handsome young man who may be in his forties but looks much younger. He was smiling and talking very kindly to me. He asked me about myself, my past martial art experiences. He was looking straight into my eyes and listening to me very intently. Finally i told him about my health. And the teacher asked me my creatinine and bun levels (all medical terminologies). I expressed my surprise to him. The teacher told me he was a doctor and was very well aware of the kidney related ailments. He also said he practises in one of the major hospitals in bombay.

He then told me that irrespective of whether i want to join the class or no, he wants to help me with my ailment. Teacher said he cannot believe that i am on dialysis. He said i look so perfect and so normal, there is no way he could have sensed something is so wrong with me. He expressed his apprehension about my levels and said that he wants to assist me in getting a second opinion from one other major reputed hospital in Bombay. He said he will accompany me to the hospital and ask the doctors he knows to check my levels again and i dont have to pay a penny for it. He is doing it becoz he is so sure there is something amiss here. He told me he will ask the doctors to do a complete examination and he wants to personal get involved in the analysis of my case.

I was so shocked at his kindness and the time he was putting into me, i said i dont know what to say, i feel overwhelmed. Teacher said, i know there is something here...i can see it in your eyes, you just cannot be so sick as your reports portray you..there is something wrong here. And i dont care if you take my class or no, i want to help you to get to the core of this.

I will be calling up the teacher this week on the non-dialysis days. Then will take a half day from work and go with him to the hospital.

Teacher also told me that he wants to personally train me and he will teach me and i dont have to worry about my arm. He said i will be safe with him.

I told him about my love for the art and i said 'i am not scared of dying. it just does not matter anymore.' I just want to start doing what i love becoz life is so short. So i am here. He asked me if the needles which are pricked on my arm hurts me. I said that no it does not. I have got used to it now.

I told him this, 'sometimes sir, pain can be a great teacher. At the pinnacle of every pain there is pleasure. and vice versa. Some of the most important lessons i am learning now. But they are tough lessons and sometimes i get tired. And maybe that is okay too.'

Teacher looked at me in my eyes and said, "When you talk about pain and pleasure anu, i can so relate to you. I had a kidney stone and used to urinate a glass of blood for a long time. The doctors told me i better retire and stop everything, i did not give up, i healed myself. Later i got blinded in one eye and my eyesight vanished. I was told that no operation in the world can revive it, i persisted on myself, i can see with both eyes today. Three months ago, i was bed-ridden as i broke my knee joints. Docs told me i better not walk forget about practising martial arts, i am here teaching my students kickboxing now. So go figure out...the things you can acheive if you set your heart and mind in it."

I felt so happy that he cared. Nobody talks about my kidneys here much except for my grandmom. Everyone has left me to deal with it. I know it is solely my personal responsibility. And right now probably i am seeking sympathy. But sometimes i dont mind a little care. My uncles have the same blood group as me but they cannot broach the kidney topic with me forget about any kidney donation. I just go for dialysis and come back...mechanically and go again. Nobody knows what to do about anything here. I am positive if i fall sick and die...that will be it. Everyone will be just tensed and probably pray for my life. They wont even be able to deal with the doctors. I feel so alone sometimes.

I got selected in top notch companies this year but they refused to take me i told them about my dialysis. They dont want a liability they say. I am so good at my work. I feel bad when they say this. But i guess that is how it will be. I cannot do anything about it. So i cannot switch my job becoz no fucking company in india wants a young girl with failed kidneys. My salary is fucking so damn low it has not increased in the past three years becoz i had an idiot for a boss who used to scream and yell at me and verbally abuse me. Can you believe i got no increment in the past three years. This year i switched over to a new boss and if i get through the company politics i may get a good rating and get a 6% raise. Gosh! 6% sounds like pittans to me.

Okay enough of it! i have become a stupid whiny anu.

I went to the real estate exhibition and gosh the flats are so expensive. I would get a decent loan based on my present earnings and professional qualification. I so missed the monetary appreciation which i rightfully deserve in my present company (which i never got)...i would be eligible for a better loan if i had got my increments i deserved in the past three years.

And i visited my grandmom and gave her the shawl. Poor grandmother, she loves me so much. She prays for my health and well being everyday. She has become so old, my heart aches thinking of her and the pain i am giving her. Okay i feel like crying now. I cannot write anymore.

I love you all i am going to bed. Its 1am here..


Blogger madhavan said...

$600 for six months works out to about Rs 4,500 per month. In Mumbai, that's an incredible figure for anyone to ask for teaching martial arts. Suggest you ask around a little before you enrol or anything. Be careful, there are many faces to this city and its people...

9:19 AM, December 19, 2005  
Blogger passion said...

"Nobody talks about my kidneys here much except for my grandmom. Everyone has left me to deal with it. I know it is solely my personal responsibility. And right now probably i am seeking sympathy."

Anu, people don't seem to care is probably because they don't know what to say. Like myself, I would find it hard to strike any conversation with a full time mother as there isn't much in common there... I am saying this because people who have no or little knowledge about kidney failures would not know what to say.
Also people might think it's a private thing as such it's inappropriate to probe.... all sorts of reasons that people appear 'indifferent' anu!

It's pleasing to know that you and your grandmom have such a close relationship!

10:07 AM, December 19, 2005  
Blogger Amrit said...

everything is gonna be ok
ur kidneys will be ok
u will get a good company and increment too so dont worry..
no body has left u alone to deal with ur disease dont think so n never feel so just look around u have many ppl ur close ones and others to care for u

1:28 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger greenbean said...

You're indeed a brave girl Anu. I really admire your courage.This is the world we live in - no one really want to give a damn to anyone with some form of sickness.They called it Pre-Existing Illness and no company wants to cover the medical cost. It's real painful Anu. You live a great life filled with passion more than those who perfect kidneys. I wish you well. Life is sometimes a hell-hole.But SMILE's still a beautiful world;-)lol..

7:54 AM, December 20, 2005  
Blogger poppy said...


*hugs, hugs*

You will heal.

I know you will.

>>But they are tough lessons and sometimes i get tired. And maybe that is okay too.>>

I'm tired too. Of everything.

We, tired and weary souls, should rest. Shouldn't we? God only knows how much I need that right now!

12:35 AM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger Dan Husain said...

Go for it Anu!

The instructor's pep talk reminds me of a book. I am forgetting the author's name. Maybe you can google it. 'The Anatomy of Illness'. I think there is a lesson there for all of us.

Hope the X-mas and new year is fun! :-)


8:33 PM, December 21, 2005  
Blogger anu said...

Madhavan - that is surely a huge amount. I checked up with other friends too and all agreed about that. So maybe i will drop it. Next time, next life maybe :D

Passioncity - Thank you so much for those kind words and concerns. I was just in one of those moods you know, when you want to whine and cry and complain and wallow in self-pity and get it out of your system. Once in a while i become like that. Thanks so much :)I hope your health improves, i sincerely hope.

Amrit - Thank you. Those are very comforting sweet words. :)

12:09 PM, December 23, 2005  
Blogger anu said...

Greenbean - When i read your story and the story of so many others, i am equally inspired to go on. So i guess it works both ways. We support each other, our energies do. I am smiling here :)

Sweet Misty - Holding you sweetie. I know what you are going through. And i know you will heal too. It is just a matter of time that you will connect with yourself and arise once again. Hugs sweet misty.

Dan - The instructor did sound exciting. He spoke to me today and i told him it is expensive for me. He has asked me to meet him this saturday for the second opinion, so let us see :)Wish you too a very cheerful X'mas and a Happy New Year.

12:15 PM, December 23, 2005  

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