Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Saturday, December 31, 2005

road less travelled

Today my friend (according to him), bf (according to me) is spending his new years eve with a girl who is madly in love with him.


She flew all the way from singapore to spend time with him. She is really in love with him and so is he (probably).


I am so tempted to take the old road. Feel bad, cry, feel lonely, wallow in self-pity..especially since i am not doing anything really this new year's eve.

But i can see so clearly that i am so tempted to do so. So i am questioning myself 'why?'. The answer is: this is my conditioned behaviour. This is the way the general public in the society operates. We are conditioned to feel 'bad' and 'upset' when two people in love meet. We are conditioned to believe that 'we are being rejected and abandoned'. We want to believe that becoz he spends time with her, his love for me has reduced...becoz i want to be the special woman in his life. And the only woman in his life.


There is a delicious pleasure in being a victim. The pain has almost become a habit. An addiction.A reason to blame. An excuse to prove desertion. An incessant need to be special. To insist that all energies of the other center around 'ME'.

*and suddenly, WOW*

How clearly i see it now. And as i type the intensity of these feelings are actually diminishing. I suddenly realise that i am walking on the other road...all alone...into the deep dark woods.

I see that i can see how jealous i can get.
When i see it so honestly and accept it,
the jealousy turns into wisdom and i smile.

I see again and feel the pain
and suddenly the pain opens like a lotus
and i feel deep warm pleasure and i feel love.

I feel my desperation to be special
and as i recognise that i can be happy for them
suddenly my uniqueness stares at me
and i see how special i am!


The road less travelled
is so magical and mysterious

it tears away our masks
and dare us to look into the mirror

strips our beliefs
dares us to expose our naked bodies

the road less travelled
diving into the deep dark woods...


Blogger Amrit said...

hey cmon yaar
I like the quote by bill gates
so we always dont get wat we want in life..
hmm i dont know wat to say
i havnt being in love situation but i feel it hurts badly

but one thing i m sure when u say "the jealousy turns into wisdom and i smile" that anu hass a very very big heart

no worries yaar
me to doing nothing this new yr eve
will celebrate together :)


zindagi ke raasthe yun bhi honge socha na tha,
rasthe mein kaante honge soncha na tha,
pareshan toh hai par datkar muqabla karenge,
ZINDAGI hi toh hai Jeetke dikhayenge.

7:20 PM, December 31, 2005  
Blogger Dan Husain said...

What a delectable turn from jealousy to wisdom! Wonderful! Wish you a joyous new year! :-)



11:47 PM, December 31, 2005  
Blogger Lone Wolf said...

I shall call you Sifu Anu, or Anu Rinpoche. You have the courage and clarity to face and accept the feeling most of us run from with are tails between are legs. Jealousy's illusory power to cause you suffering has been transformed to wisdom and happiness. I am always looking for the external world to make me happy when happiness has been within all along. Again, thank you for sharing your open naked honesty.

1:00 AM, January 01, 2006  
Blogger Lone Wolf said...

Happy New Year Anu. I will blow you a kiss from Ohio to India when the ball drops.

1:02 AM, January 01, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

Amirt - Thank you :)so much. You always shower your kindest words on me.

Dan - Wish you a happy new year too Dan :)

Lonewolf - I almost read that as Anu Rhino ;-)and running with the tail in between the legs does sound really interesting *wide wicked grin*.

Kidding, i know what you mean Lonewolf, i am tired of my own insecurities and it is time i see them rather than blame others for creating it. They dont create it, i create it and only i have the power to uncreate it.

Thank you Lonewolf, it is always a pleasure to read your comments :)

1:34 AM, January 01, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

Lonewolf - Hey i will catch your lovely kiss here and blow back a sweet kiss to you right from India to Ohio


1:39 AM, January 01, 2006  
Blogger Nonedone said...

Excellent piece, pain IS addictive, it takes a strong person to lift themselves up. Well done.

3:40 AM, January 03, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

None :) hey wish you a happy new year dude.

8:19 AM, January 03, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i needed to hear this right about now. how quickly we can slip back into old patterns for the comfort. the comfort of the pain is sometimes easier than the discomfort of being alone. but you explain the bridge, the ability to transform pain into love. --blue

9:57 AM, January 03, 2006  
Blogger anu said...

Tell me about it...i just almost went into one of those super-deppressive moods. And i was almost feeling like throwing up out of suffocation.

A friend called and i chatted with her and felt better.

So nicely you have explained it, thank you Blue.

2:29 AM, January 04, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was looking for blogs about martial arts and came across yours. Great blog you got. I have a website somewhat related you might find interesting.

7:01 AM, January 30, 2006  

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