Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

of dialysis, death and love

Yesterday i worked till 8 pm in the night and then rushed for 'emergency' dialysis becoz my feet were swollen so badly i got barely walk. My dialysis started at 9 pm and ended at 1 am. The last hour was so horrible. I had these severe cramps. My blood pressure kept fluctuating between 180/100 to 100/70. Maya, the nurse and Rahul, the technician took very good care of me. They were so worried for me.

I was alone at dialysis. I did not want to disturb my parents.

I was given dextrox 25 mg and 75 mg for the cramps. It helped just a little. Maya and Rahul were massaging my feet to make me feel better. Maya even ordered tea for me.The swelling in my leg had not reduced and it looked so awful and scary.

I have a regular rickshaw driver (a riskshaw is a three wheeler public transport in India which can carry three people..something like a tram). He drives me up to and back from office and to dialysis. He insisted that he will wait outside the hospital for me till 1:00 am and drop me home and then go back.

At around 1 am my dialysis finally got over and i was leaving, the swelling still there on my leg. I was very very weak and tired. Maya and Rahul insisted that i give them a 'missed call' when i reach home so that they know i am safe. My rick driver was waiting below the hospital. We spoke a bit as he drove me home. He did not take any extra charges even though i offerred him a huge tip. He simply refused to take it.

I thought of the love and affection i was getting from the tiny gestures of Maya and Rahul and my rick driver. I began to really appreciate it. I keep complaining for lack of love and affection. Here i got it all, from strangers and that too when i least expected it but needed it the most.

I promise myself that i will recognise and 'see' these little things which others do for me. I will take it in. Absorb it. Feel the energy of the gift they have given me. Feel their love and affection. I wont take their actions for granted. It is these very little little things and moments which will make my day someday. It is probably these very ordinary unassuming people who without expecting anything in return 'give'.

And i cry here all the while waiting for love? There is so much love around. All waiting to pour into my heart, lungs and kidneys. If only i can learn to 'see' it, recognise it and appreciate it, my life will be so much more fuller. But i am learning. I am begining to see. I am glad i made progress today:)

When i reached home, the building gate was locked by the watchman. The rick driver helped me open the gate. And left for his home which was 30 mts away from my home.

It was 2:30 am when i reached. Tired and weak i entered home, opened the door with the spare key i had. I changed and tried to sleep..keeping my feet on an elevated position to reduce the swelling.

I was really scared today after dialysis. It was not a nice experience. As i slept, i thought what would happen if i die. I really did not mind dying i thought. I am not too desperate to live. Not becoz i dont have any hope or faith. Just becoz, it does not matter either ways.

As i tried to sleep, i thought of the people who 'may' remember me if i died, and the one person i could think of is my grandmother. There are many others who may miss me a lot. But i could feel the pain of my grandmother. She is so hurting for me.

I am the favourite of my grandfather and grandmother. They love me more than anyone else in this world (at least thats what i believe). My grandfather died two years ago. I did not cry much. I could not. I dont accept he is dead. He is very alive for me in my heart and spirit.

I cannot let the people whom i love 'die'. They may not be here in this physical reality right in front of my eyes. But that does not mean they are not there. Their essence is there with me. I need that. I cannot live with a feeling of 'loss'. That pain is so unbearable. I cannot cope with that.

But i can convince myself that they are alive and as alive as the sun, moon and the stars.

I can feel them.
I can breathe them.
I can talk to them.
And i can always cry to them that i really really miss them.
Just hug a pillow and sob deeply...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are so brave, anu...your experience touches my heart. it is so true that love is all around in subtle tiny gestures for us to notice. we think life is all about true love,success, health, recognition...but i think thats what humans decided to make life about, because we are so afraid of death.... we seek to control life, trying to find false security in others, in recognition, validation, and success. really life is about the unique experience of juggling pleasure and pain, the unique experience of discovering our purpose through the suffering we go through, and in discovering the strange mystery of love...i think it is so wonderful that you have found love in tiny places, and if it wasnt for your sick kidneys, you may have never noticed this love...pain is truely our endure much with your kidneys...keep talking to them, maybe even write a poem from their point of view? just a suggestion, your poetry is beautiful. i am so happy to know you...if it was not for our pain, would we have blogged, would we ever have exchanged words? i am going to notice the tiny gestures , your entry has inspired me.--blue

3:25 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Dan Perin said...

Indeed, you are expressing your strength and faith. I add my prayers for wholeness, happiness, and richness in every way. Thanks for visiting my blog too.

4:24 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger poppy said...

They love you.
We love you.
I love you.

You're deeply loved and cherished by many, Anu - some you may never know of.

You ARE special not because your grandparents believe so or because I believe so, but because it's your nature - you were born in divinity. Know that divinity, feel it, and let it heal you.

Please, please take good care of yourself. I worry about you.

Long hugs and so many feelings to you, for you.

4:35 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger anu said...

Blue - Thanks for your kind words Blue. I am so inspired by your words too. I can feel the energy rush into me as i read them. Sometimes i wonder, arn't we friends more than enough for each other? :-)

Dan - Thank you for keeping me in your prayers. And for visiting. I enjoyed reading your experiences on implementing Seth's theory.

Sweet Mistyyyyy - My sweetie, huuuuuuuuugs. I loveeeeeeee you too. Thank you for your ever sweety misty misty words ;-) I wanted to call you up to wish you all the best for your exams but i was a little unwell. How were your exams? Your wisdom and your innocence stares into my eyes every time you post sweetie.Huuuuuugs :)

8:22 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger anu said...

Blue :) talking about inspiration, when i am down i am reminded of my beauty parlour girl 'Ruksar'and her life story. It keeps me going to know how others are dealing with their challenges so boldly and happily. I was deeply touched by her story and i wrote about it in the blog. Here is the link, in case you want to read it.

8:57 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Michael said...

Hi Anu,

Love truly conquers all. I'm sending good thoughts your way...

9:03 AM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger greenbean said...

Thank you Anu for sharing your story with everyone. I read your posts and I must admit that they're very inspiring, very moving and very humane.May you be well ,happy and healthy. And please do not forget your dialysis. Perhaps one day you may have a renal transplant.I'll keep you in my prayers. Deep bow.

1:16 PM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger Dan Husain said...

Hey Anu

My father suffers from ESRD and for last three years have been on dialysis. He gets dialysed thrice a week and often when the water fills up and gets to his lungs, I have to rush him to the hospital at odd hours.

I am very moved with your piece. I wish to tell you through my personal experiences that I have awe for people who fight their adverse situations. People like you. And pray to God that nanotechnology soon develops to a stage where we could reproduce human organs through stem cells.

It is a privilege to be on your page. :-)



6:59 PM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger anu said...

Michael - Thank you. I send you back lots of energy :) Hope your reports are fine.

Greenbean - Thank you for visiting me and for your kind concern. Your words are very moving.And yes, i wont skip dialysis ;-)

Dan - I felt sad to read about your father. I am so happy to know that you are taking such good care of him :-)I appreciate your vist Dan, Thank you.

11:39 PM, December 08, 2005  
Blogger greenbean said...

Dear Anu, I admire your courage and your passion for life despite the diabling medical condition.I wish you well and please take. Live The Present Moment in immortality.Deep bows.

7:13 AM, December 09, 2005  
Blogger Beth said...

anu: you have such a love for life despite what you are going through. i had no idea you were dealing with this serious level of illness. you exemplify the dharma beautifully in this entry. you really see the love that is all around you. thank you for this. and my thoughts are with you. be well. in peace, kim

6:00 PM, December 09, 2005  
Blogger anu said...

Green - That is such a sweet and lovely picture. Thank you for your kind words. You are so sweet.

Kim - I appreciate your visits here. Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts.

7:57 PM, December 09, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I miss you little miss anu.... My angel from India. I miss you.

5:09 AM, December 23, 2012  

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