Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Friday, December 02, 2005

Empty my mind

I have cried and cried till all my tears dried. I saw in the last few days how weak and vulnerable i am. How hysterical i get. How much fear is lurking in my heart. How i have this mask on where i pretend to be wise but i am otherwise.

I make all these committments in my head about all the dos and donts for the days ahead. And one phone call from R and all my pain is gone. Vanished in thin air. I have been crying day and night, but when i talk to him, i dont feel anything. There is something so powerful and amazing about this man which totally captivates me.

I was shocked at my realisation that my life could be hell and a single conversation with R can make me feel perfectly alright again, as if nothing happenned.

I find this syndrome so weird and unhealthy. I want to work this out. This is not merely the case with him, probably the same with others, i have not analysed in depth becoz they dont matter much to me.

I dont want to become a victim and beg for sympathy. I am tired of that. I want to make a start somewhere..

I dont talk much at work. I dont analyse much now a days. I have not taken anything personally since this Monday. I just sit at my desk and do my work quietly. The mid-term performance reward letters were distributed to a few at work. It was an hush-hush affair. I was not in the list even though i had some really good work up my sleeve. This time i just told myself that 'it is okay to not be rewarded for good work'. And i feel bad
and thats alright too.

I have so much shit and junk in my head. Unable to handle what happened i forced myself to meditate since Monday. I had no choice. I could not handle the feelings of fear and insecurity . Normally if anything went wrong, i would run to R for help and solace. Now i cannot run to him. So I stood there and saw myself - weak, tired, old, vulnerable...

Maybe i will be like this throughout my life. Even if that is the case, i am going to give a shot at getting out of this syndrome. With that in mind and heart, and nowhere to go this time, i started meditating.

I sat for 10 mts on Monday on the bed facing the garden outside my bedroom window. Those 10 mts seemed like an hour to me.

I have to travel 21/2 hours to and from work daily. On Tuesday, Wenesday and Thusday i meditated while travelling to and from work.

I closed my eyes and focussed on 'nothing' in particular or imagined colours in the darkness of the closed eye. All kinds of thoughts poured into my mind. I even cried on the way to work. But later, as a new thought entered my mind, i reminded myself that i am trying to give my mind a break and let that thought go. I did not hold it in my head. I did not wallow in it. I did not think of it and analyse it. Every time my mind wandered, like a wild horse, i pulled it back with the reins into focus on 'nothing in particular'. I focussed on a 'vaccum'.

This seems to be helping me a bit. Now whenever i am idle and i am tempted to go in day-dreaming or think about any event or person, i try to focus into the nothingness. When i am too hassled i say 'OOOMMMMMM' mantra or i take the name of 'Krishna'.

This way i am not letting my mind wander and so the incessent chatter which goes on 24/7 in my head 'seems' to have calmed down a bit, at least for now.

Maybe, finally i am begining to clean the shit out of my head.

Its time to empty my mind to bring peace to myself and others around me.


Blogger A.J. said...

God knows every once in a while I need a good head cleaning. The shit piles up quickly. Thank god I paint, eventhough my work has little to do with what's going through my little brain at the time.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm empty mind! :)

1:58 AM, December 03, 2005  

Post a Comment

<< Home