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Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Friday, December 02, 2005

Empty my mind

I have cried and cried till all my tears dried. I saw in the last few days how weak and vulnerable i am. How hysterical i get. How much fear is lurking in my heart. How i have this mask on where i pretend to be wise but i am otherwise.

I make all these committments in my head about all the dos and donts for the days ahead. And one phone call from R and all my pain is gone. Vanished in thin air. I have been crying day and night, but when i talk to him, i dont feel anything. There is something so powerful and amazing about this man which totally captivates me.

I was shocked at my realisation that my life could be hell and a single conversation with R can make me feel perfectly alright again, as if nothing happenned.

I find this syndrome so weird and unhealthy. I want to work this out. This is not merely the case with him, probably the same with others, i have not analysed in depth becoz they dont matter much to me.

I dont want to become a victim and beg for sympathy. I am tired of that. I want to make a start somewhere..

I dont talk much at work. I dont analyse much now a days. I have not taken anything personally since this Monday. I just sit at my desk and do my work quietly. The mid-term performance reward letters were distributed to a few at work. It was an hush-hush affair. I was not in the list even though i had some really good work up my sleeve. This time i just told myself that 'it is okay to not be rewarded for good work'. And i feel bad
and thats alright too.

I have so much shit and junk in my head. Unable to handle what happened i forced myself to meditate since Monday. I had no choice. I could not handle the feelings of fear and insecurity . Normally if anything went wrong, i would run to R for help and solace. Now i cannot run to him. So I stood there and saw myself - weak, tired, old, vulnerable...

Maybe i will be like this throughout my life. Even if that is the case, i am going to give a shot at getting out of this syndrome. With that in mind and heart, and nowhere to go this time, i started meditating.

I sat for 10 mts on Monday on the bed facing the garden outside my bedroom window. Those 10 mts seemed like an hour to me.

I have to travel 21/2 hours to and from work daily. On Tuesday, Wenesday and Thusday i meditated while travelling to and from work.

I closed my eyes and focussed on 'nothing' in particular or imagined colours in the darkness of the closed eye. All kinds of thoughts poured into my mind. I even cried on the way to work. But later, as a new thought entered my mind, i reminded myself that i am trying to give my mind a break and let that thought go. I did not hold it in my head. I did not wallow in it. I did not think of it and analyse it. Every time my mind wandered, like a wild horse, i pulled it back with the reins into focus on 'nothing in particular'. I focussed on a 'vaccum'.

This seems to be helping me a bit. Now whenever i am idle and i am tempted to go in day-dreaming or think about any event or person, i try to focus into the nothingness. When i am too hassled i say 'OOOMMMMMM' mantra or i take the name of 'Krishna'.

This way i am not letting my mind wander and so the incessent chatter which goes on 24/7 in my head 'seems' to have calmed down a bit, at least for now.

Maybe, finally i am begining to clean the shit out of my head.

Its time to empty my mind to bring peace to myself and others around me.

1 Comments:

Blogger A.J. said...

God knows every once in a while I need a good head cleaning. The shit piles up quickly. Thank god I paint, eventhough my work has little to do with what's going through my little brain at the time.


Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm empty mind! :)

1:58 AM, December 03, 2005  

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