little miss anu

Name:
Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Saturday, December 31, 2005

road less travelled

Today my friend (according to him), bf (according to me) is spending his new years eve with a girl who is madly in love with him.

*silence*

She flew all the way from singapore to spend time with him. She is really in love with him and so is he (probably).

*silence*

I am so tempted to take the old road. Feel bad, cry, feel lonely, wallow in self-pity..especially since i am not doing anything really this new year's eve.

But i can see so clearly that i am so tempted to do so. So i am questioning myself 'why?'. The answer is: this is my conditioned behaviour. This is the way the general public in the society operates. We are conditioned to feel 'bad' and 'upset' when two people in love meet. We are conditioned to believe that 'we are being rejected and abandoned'. We want to believe that becoz he spends time with her, his love for me has reduced...becoz i want to be the special woman in his life. And the only woman in his life.

*thinking*

There is a delicious pleasure in being a victim. The pain has almost become a habit. An addiction.A reason to blame. An excuse to prove desertion. An incessant need to be special. To insist that all energies of the other center around 'ME'.

*and suddenly, WOW*

How clearly i see it now. And as i type the intensity of these feelings are actually diminishing. I suddenly realise that i am walking on the other road...all alone...into the deep dark woods.

I see that i can see how jealous i can get.
When i see it so honestly and accept it,
the jealousy turns into wisdom and i smile.

I see again and feel the pain
and suddenly the pain opens like a lotus
and i feel deep warm pleasure and i feel love.

I feel my desperation to be special
and as i recognise that i can be happy for them
suddenly my uniqueness stares at me
and i see how special i am!

*smiling*

The road less travelled
is so magical and mysterious

it tears away our masks
and dare us to look into the mirror

strips our beliefs
dares us to expose our naked bodies

the road less travelled
diving into the deep dark woods...

ooooOOOO

when i enter this room
i feel the warmth in my body

i feel my skin yearning
for the delicate soft touch

when i let myself be touched
i feel a silent pleasure

i feel my pulses racing for more
and my mind relaxing thinking less

i can visit when i want
and i can ask all that i need

i have never felt more better
in cold winters than now

when i walk in naked
into my bathroom

to have a nice hot water bath
ooooooOOOOOO
i love my hot water bath so much.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

sun rays

sunrays in parallel lines
falling on my bedsheets

millions of dust particles
floating in it randomly
sparkling like diamonds

like a child i tried
clasping the rays
in my fist

empty fist
filled heart
(en)lighted face

this morning

bright sunlight
rays of hope
warms my heart

no more blockages
no more stoppages
breath flowing

off to work
to create something new
which never existed before :)

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

joy in sickness

Bad cold and running nose
choked throat and weak limbs
eyes hurting and body hot

missed work today
to rest my body
to heal my soul

reminds me how
vulnerable we are
at all times

submitting to my weakness
surrenderring to the vulnerability
i am feeling so much more better

at least i dont have to resist
at least i dont have to fight
whether it is a belief or a dis-ease

it will go as it came
from nowhere
to nowhere

and i dont have to do anything
just submit and surrender
be aware and accept it

for all that it has to offer to me..

healing

Today i could not go to work becoz the small allergy has blown into a very bad cold and nose block and i am feeling so feverish. Damm it! I had made plans today to complete so much at work plus Nids and i were planning to take off to Mahabaleshwar (a hillstation). Now i am in such a bad state, i dont think i will be able to bear the cold of Mahabaleshwar. So my friend is looking for another place to go.

In all the metaphysical books i read, the mysterious voices say, "any physical ailment is a direct result of the mind. It could be conflicting beliefs or limiting patterns. What goes on in the mind is what will be depicted in the physical reality. So if you want to change what goes on in your life, first change your thinking..automatically life will follow suit."

Just yesterday i commented on Kim's blog that, i think my kidney failure is a direct result of my core beliefs of "worthlessness" and "lack of self-love". It is also due to "fear" - "fear of being lonely", "fear of insecurity", "fear of being ridiculed", "fear of being critisised", "fear of dissapointing others", "fear of not living upto another's expectations", "fear of abandonment", "fear of rejection", "fear of failing in love", "fear of losing in love", "fear of being shatterred at the loss of a loved one"...and the list goes on.

Now having identified this. I am working on this since months now. I observe myself when i feel anything and recognise that i am feeling it. I have accepted that these fears do exist in me and they keep coming up when i least expect and shock me and others.

The next step is feel it and dive into it and experience it totally when i am dominated by the fears. When i say experience it, i actually feel my feelings of helplessness and insecurity and worthlessness without trying to fight it and pretend it does not exist. I see my own behaviour..i see a very different me. I see an addicted me at that time.

Then slowly i come out of it...when i realise i cannot cry any more, i cannot blame another person anymore and i cannot wallow in self pity and guilt any more.

Right now, i am wondering, why i got this bad bad cold? I agree to the mystical voices that the conflicts in the mind may be reflected in the body as ailments or dis-eases..becoz the energy is blocked and the body is trying to express it through the ailment.

But at the same time, i feel, sometimes the ailment may be a small step towards growth and learning. I can identify the cold where the phlem is accumulated in the lungs and it results in a blocked nose, with blocked energy. As i get better and the phlem comes out and my lungs get clearer and my nose gets clean, the blocked energy has begun to 'flow'.

At least some toxins and blockages are getting cleared through the minor ailments, everytime they manifest and later get solved. At all points of time, the body is telling us something. It is upto us to interpret it. There is no interpretation greater or more wise than what the self concludes.

Listen to your inner voice. Let it speak. In the begining we may not understand its language. There are likely to be communication barriers. But if we let it speak for long enough...we will be able to connect to it. Find answers for our challenges. Develop intuition and insight. Be aware.

We will feel the tingling sensation in our body ... as if the veins and the cells have suddenly come alive. And they are talking to us. Touch your arms and feel the heat on it...that is your blood flowing. Feel your breath, feel it slowing down. Feel the connection of you with your self being established.

It is for this feeling, monks and zen masters, meditate and pray in the snow capped mountains of the himalayas. It is this feeling that equals the prince and the pauper. It is this feeling that tells us that every tree around has a heart and every flower a soul.

Use this feeling to heal your body. Let the energy flow where it is blocked. Drop all the past baggage. When we enter the new moment we just check in our past baggage, and when we land, we dont come back to take it.

And i am positive, if i continue feeling my veins, tissues, blood cells and even the toxins...
i continue to love them and express to them and listen to them honestly...
my blocked energy will flow
my organs will rejuvinate
my heart will beat easily
my toxins will insist on being flushed out
and my kidneys will come back to work

and even if it doesent
i would have created such a harmonious environment
at the workplace in my body
that it wouldnt really matter
this way or the other..

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

my pata

Today i caught a really really bad cold...it is what you may call a dust allergy or whatever. And i have been sneezing the whole afternoon. I took a tablet too. I am normally never sick. But the cold drives me nuts. I told my grandmom who became very worried and told me she will give me a medicine which is the bark of a special tree. We cut a small piece of it and put it in water. When the water boils, we strain it and drink it. Invarially the cold and cough both go away.

So i went to visit my grandmom today evening. She was so delighted to meet me. If there is anyone who can make my grandparents so happy it is "ME". My grandpa is physically no more but for me he is not dead. He is alive even today..as alive as the sun, the moon and the stars. I loveeeeeee my grandpa and grandmom. My grandpa especially.

My grandpa nurtured me and brought me up since childhood. He would take me to the bustop and bring me back from school. He would help me wear my shoes and socks. He would make sandwiches with his own hands and cut them into tiny peices and keep them ready for me to hog on when i come back from school. My grandpa would always protect me from my mom when she used to yell and scream at me (when i back answer her). I used to run and hide in the arms of my grandfather when my mom would come to beat me.

So much i love him that i did not cry at all when he left this 'physcial reality'. Becoz i know, he is alive, he is right here...and his soul will always shower love and joy on me..no matter where in the universe he is..if he were to come in front of me, i will recognise him and so will he. Such is our bond. Sometimes when i miss him too my in this physical reality, i cry..but then after i cry enough..my tears dry and i have a feeling of contentment. Becoz i know he is alive..all souls are alive. We just need to have the eyes to see them.

After my grandpa's death, my grandmother's life is in me. She waits for my call everyday and worries when i go for dialysis. She feels very sad that i have to go through all this. The only reason i am sad about this kidney failure is that it hurts my grandmom. I feel her pain. She is waiting for the day when i will be cured / healed... So today after work, i went to meet her.There i met my uncle and aunty too (they all stay in a big joint family). And that is the house i have spent all my childhood in..my grandfather's house :)

My grandmother hugged me so tight and immediately asked my aunt to get me the medicine and hot tea. Then i had some steaming hot dosas (rice pancakes) and was chatting and laughing with my grandmom and my uncle and aunt. My uncle and aunt like me very much and they were telling me about their grandchild a 3 month old baby of my cousin sister (my uncle's daughter). My grandmom then gave me a comb which i had left in her home many years ago and my grandfather had preserved it so carefully.

My grandfather would preserve every thing which i leave there. The bedsheet which i used to suck as a child, my parrot, my doll, my toothbrush, my earrings, my handkerchiefs, my pens and pencils, my notebooks...everything. And some days he would travel in the rains all the way to my home just to deliver it to me. I was telling my uncle some breathing exercises to reduce weight (poor uncle is overweight so cannot climb down the stairs easily).

Then i showed my bruised knees to my grandma and uncle and aunt. Sometimes i need to be like a kid you know? I need some pampering. I need to say "look i am so hurt" and i want to be hugged and loved. And i know i will get that attention which an innocent child craves for when it is hurt, from my grandmother. Poor grandmom, she could barely see, she touched my knees and felt the slight lump on my knees to feel the bruise. My grandmom also insisted that i apply 'vicks' (a medicated vapour cream for colds, chilliness and hurts).

My grandpa always applies vicks when he is feeling feverish or his body is aching. My grandmom insisted that my aunt apply vicks on my chest so that the cold dies away slowly. Also massage them on the calves. That way my body will feel warm in this cold winter here in Mumbai. After all this pampering and lots of laughing with my uncle, i proceeded to leave for home. Hopefully every week one working day after work, i shall visit my grandmom. I love her verry very very very much.

And i want to spend as much time with her as possible. I can never forget what my grandpa told me when he was very sick and dying. I was not visiting him too often then.I was so stupid. That is the only thing i regret in my life so far. Finally when my grandmom called me saying he is so unwell and i went to visit him, my poor dearest grandpa said

"anu, you are visiting me after one year right?"
I was in tears...and those words still hurt me so much.
I love you so much pata (pata means grandpa in my mother tongue)

Monday, December 26, 2005

own teacher

The martial arts teacher has an assistant, a 24 year girl, a black belt in Jeet Kune Do, let us call her K. She handles all the administrative aspects of the school. She told me that i will need to give a letter from my doctor stating that i can practise martial arts. Also i will need to sign on a letter stating that if i get injured or anything untoward happens, then they are not responsible for it and i take full responsibility for it.

Today during dialysis i told my nephrologist about the letter. My doc said that he wants to personally speak to the teacher about the training as i have a 'fistula' (surgery where they stich the veins together) on my arm and no one should grab my arm plus they need to be careful and not do any judo styles where they throw me down.

I called up the teacher and as usual K answered the phone. I told her my doc wants to speak to the teacher to clarify things. She questioned me as to why they should clarify things and why not i tell the doc himself. I had to explain to her that he wanted to speak to them and not me. She said the teacher does not talk to anyone and said she will speak instead. My doc explained to her about my arm and stuff. And then he wrote a letter permitting me to learn martial arts.

Later i called up Miss K to thank her. She asked me to read the letter. I did that and then she said i will have to get another letter signed by my parents saying that they agree that i can practise martial arts. I was surprised. I told her why does she want a letter signed by my parents? cant i sign the letter stating that i will be solely responsible for any untoward incident happenning to me? She said "NO, since you have chronic renal failure, your parents have to permit you".

I was begining to get irritated. I told her, " I am an adult and i work on my own. I will be living on my own next year. I make all my decisions. Then why should i ask my parents to sign?"

She got very agitated and yelled at me on the phone. "You think we should bear the brunt of it if you faint and fall tommorrow. Are you trying to make us responsible for anything happenning to you? First of all we give you a concession a huge discount and is this how you talk to us? Look, we are doing a favour on you by letting you join us and by giving you a huge concession ..all this becoz you are a case of chronic renal failure. Try going out in the world, no one in this entire world will be willing to accept you as his student. And is this how you behave with us ?"

I was kind of shocked. I told Miss K, "I wanted to join martial arts becoz i am trying to make my way to be normal once again. And i am begining to get bogged by these formalities where you are constantly reminding me that i am a kidney failure patient. I had made it clear i dont want any favours from you, and now you are saying you are doing a big favour on me by taking me."

She told me similar things again..i dont remember what. Then i told her, "look i am in a state of shock after talking to you. I want to seriously consider this once again. I dont want to say anything more. I will get back to you when i regain my calm and composure."

She then calmed down and tried to be nice by saying " We are not doing any favour on you. We are trying to help you out. You used to handle operations right? these are mere formalities...blah blah."

Anyways i hung up on her. I wont be calling them up again. I hate it when anyone tries to use me or my dis-ease and make a case out of me. Common! i am just trying to do something i love. I am feeling so angry and sad. I am not going back there again.

I felt like i am a 'dead case' the way they were asking my parents to sign for me! God, dammit, i am still alive. Look at me. I am still living. I will never let anyone certify anything for me. I take full responsibility for my life and death both.

I dont have a teacher now. And her words are still ringing in my ears : "no one in this entire world will be ready to take you as his student." I know the teacher may never say anything like this. He is so calm and composed. But i dont like Miss K's energy. I cannot connect to her. So i wont be going there ever.

I am not going to be a victim here. They are not my 'last resort'. I am sad and hurt and angry. I am desperate to learn. But not so desperate that i 'cling' on. The reason i am learning this art is becoz it connects me to myself. There is something about it that charges me and i come alive when i practise martial arts. It connects my body - mind - soul. And i need to 'feel' right when i start.

Maybe i will train on my own..start with some walking and jogging. And things will happen and i will attract the right energies and there will be a way out.

Till then i am on my own...my own teacher and my own student.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

new year gift

The year is about to end and i have initiated a couple of things. This weekend i went with a broker to check out some properties in a place near my office. In the coming year i am hoping to shift to my new home. Right now i am staying with my parents.They love me. But they just dont know what to do with me. We think so differently. And they are spending a lot of their time in catering to my needs. The food i eat, wash my clothes, mom comes with me for dialysis etc etc. I am burdenning them. They need to spend the rest of their lives happily with some rest and not catering to their children.

So i am moving out. To make a life of my own.To find myself. To find others who think like me. To learn to do things on my own. To take some responsibility. To lose myself in my daily activities so that i can find my true self once again.

In that process i have visited a few properties and i like what i see. I probably will take a loan from the bank to fund for it and move in. This month i am going to zero-in on the property and the loan. I will move in in Sept 06 or maybe Nov 06.

I am on a semi-solid diet now. Eat mostly fruit juices and vegetable juices. Mainly to improve my health. Hopefully i shall get better on my diet as the day progresses.

The martial arts teacher spoke to me once again. He said he is willing to give me a scholorship to pursue martial arts with him so i have to pay just Rs 2,000 ($45) a month. I told him that i dont want any favours from him. He said that i will be doing a favour on him by being his student. He said he likes my spirit and wants to train me. I am not thinking anymore, just going to join it. It is time that i started doing what i want..maybe i shall stop travelling in rickshaws in the morning to work and choose a train instead that way i will save Rs 2,100 ($46) and i can divert those funds for my martial arts. The advantage with this teacher is that i will have a personal instructor and they will take care of my arm..hopefully.

I am going back to wash vessesls. It has been a long time since i did some real housework. I am going to start doing it once again and learn cooking from mom. And i will post you guys the recipies of all the dishes i make. I dont want to go hungry in my new home. So i have begun somewhere..hopefully i will reach somewhere.

I am trying. I want to make something out of my life. Every moment if i keep doing something new. I keep thinking like a child. I will surely grow younger. I will heal. I will learn to love myself. And that will be my new year gift to 'anu'.

christmas

Christmas season of love and joy
reminds me of snow covered mountains
delicious creamy white cakes
towering tall X'mas trees
gifts, jingle bells, carols, churches

Christmas when Jesus was born
reminds me of new age wisdom
from a soul from another universe
come down to demonstrate to us
that we create our own miracles

Christmas when santa claus visits
reminds me to see the unseeable
believe the unbelievable
look out in my yard for fairies
elfs and angels with silver transparent wings

Christmas season of hope and faith
reminds me that after every night comes a day
for every illness there is a cure
for every wish there is a fulfillment
for every one there is someone out there..

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Peace

To desire peace strongly is to help achieve it - Seth

seasons greetings

riding home
late at night
cold and tired

beggar girl
skipping happily
below a Christmas light

Friday, December 23, 2005

two gifts

my annual medical test results are out
i have news to share
about two more gifts
other than the renal failure

first gift is -
i have eosinophilia
such a complex name it sounds
surely it must be a female

and the second one is -
mild cardiomegaly
i looked this up on the net
and found out that
it means heart enlargement

i told my friend during lunch
guess what Nids?
she said 'what anu?'

i have an enlarged heart
so that i can hold more love in it
now isnt that fabulous?

Thursday, December 22, 2005

the fall

Yesterday i slipped
and tumbled down the stairs

my knees are swollen
and it is hurting

i am smiling and in joy
it reminds me of my childhood

when i used to trip and fall
and get up on my own
and walk away
with my bruised knees

as if i never had a fall.

Monday, December 19, 2005

new day

early morning
sipping tea
happy once again

link for paintings

my paintings are in a link under the chatterbox: www.oilsnbrushes.blogspot.com

teacher

The martial arts teachers operate in a very tiny flat in a building on a busy street. And they have all their punching bags and knives in that tiny room. I met this 24yr young girl who is a black belt and she told me about the class details. The charges are $600 for 6 months. Now that is such a huge amount for me. God, i wish there were some martial arts scholorships, which i could earn practising my ass off...i feel so guilty to spend so much.

The young girl explained me that they practise Jeet Kune Do. She showed me write ups, magazines, photographs and stuff. At the end of the discussion i began telling her about the kidneys. She seemed in shock and examined my left arm and called the teacher.

The teacher is a handsome young man who may be in his forties but looks much younger. He was smiling and talking very kindly to me. He asked me about myself, my past martial art experiences. He was looking straight into my eyes and listening to me very intently. Finally i told him about my health. And the teacher asked me my creatinine and bun levels (all medical terminologies). I expressed my surprise to him. The teacher told me he was a doctor and was very well aware of the kidney related ailments. He also said he practises in one of the major hospitals in bombay.

He then told me that irrespective of whether i want to join the class or no, he wants to help me with my ailment. Teacher said he cannot believe that i am on dialysis. He said i look so perfect and so normal, there is no way he could have sensed something is so wrong with me. He expressed his apprehension about my levels and said that he wants to assist me in getting a second opinion from one other major reputed hospital in Bombay. He said he will accompany me to the hospital and ask the doctors he knows to check my levels again and i dont have to pay a penny for it. He is doing it becoz he is so sure there is something amiss here. He told me he will ask the doctors to do a complete examination and he wants to personal get involved in the analysis of my case.

I was so shocked at his kindness and the time he was putting into me, i said i dont know what to say, i feel overwhelmed. Teacher said, i know there is something here...i can see it in your eyes, you just cannot be so sick as your reports portray you..there is something wrong here. And i dont care if you take my class or no, i want to help you to get to the core of this.

I will be calling up the teacher this week on the non-dialysis days. Then will take a half day from work and go with him to the hospital.

Teacher also told me that he wants to personally train me and he will teach me and i dont have to worry about my arm. He said i will be safe with him.

I told him about my love for the art and i said 'i am not scared of dying. it just does not matter anymore.' I just want to start doing what i love becoz life is so short. So i am here. He asked me if the needles which are pricked on my arm hurts me. I said that no it does not. I have got used to it now.

I told him this, 'sometimes sir, pain can be a great teacher. At the pinnacle of every pain there is pleasure. and vice versa. Some of the most important lessons i am learning now. But they are tough lessons and sometimes i get tired. And maybe that is okay too.'

Teacher looked at me in my eyes and said, "When you talk about pain and pleasure anu, i can so relate to you. I had a kidney stone and used to urinate a glass of blood for a long time. The doctors told me i better retire and stop everything, i did not give up, i healed myself. Later i got blinded in one eye and my eyesight vanished. I was told that no operation in the world can revive it, i persisted on myself, i can see with both eyes today. Three months ago, i was bed-ridden as i broke my knee joints. Docs told me i better not walk forget about practising martial arts, i am here teaching my students kickboxing now. So go figure out...the things you can acheive if you set your heart and mind in it."

I felt so happy that he cared. Nobody talks about my kidneys here much except for my grandmom. Everyone has left me to deal with it. I know it is solely my personal responsibility. And right now probably i am seeking sympathy. But sometimes i dont mind a little care. My uncles have the same blood group as me but they cannot broach the kidney topic with me forget about any kidney donation. I just go for dialysis and come back...mechanically and go again. Nobody knows what to do about anything here. I am positive if i fall sick and die...that will be it. Everyone will be just tensed and probably pray for my life. They wont even be able to deal with the doctors. I feel so alone sometimes.

I got selected in top notch companies this year but they refused to take me i told them about my dialysis. They dont want a liability they say. I am so good at my work. I feel bad when they say this. But i guess that is how it will be. I cannot do anything about it. So i cannot switch my job becoz no fucking company in india wants a young girl with failed kidneys. My salary is fucking so damn low it has not increased in the past three years becoz i had an idiot for a boss who used to scream and yell at me and verbally abuse me. Can you believe i got no increment in the past three years. This year i switched over to a new boss and if i get through the company politics i may get a good rating and get a 6% raise. Gosh! 6% sounds like pittans to me.

Okay enough of it! i have become a stupid whiny anu.

I went to the real estate exhibition and gosh the flats are so expensive. I would get a decent loan based on my present earnings and professional qualification. I so missed the monetary appreciation which i rightfully deserve in my present company (which i never got)...i would be eligible for a better loan if i had got my increments i deserved in the past three years.

And i visited my grandmom and gave her the shawl. Poor grandmother, she loves me so much. She prays for my health and well being everyday. She has become so old, my heart aches thinking of her and the pain i am giving her. Okay i feel like crying now. I cannot write anymore.

I love you all i am going to bed. Its 1am here..

Sunday, December 18, 2005

blog potatoe

I woke up late (as usual). And on top of that, i am sitting here to write it on my blog (you wont find another sample case like me right?)

Yesterday i told that martial arts teacher (lady), 'can i meet you very early in the morning'. She asked me how early? I said 'oh very very early'. Pat came the reply from her 'for some students early means 10 am or 11 am'. I hope you dont mean that. Uhh, i was thinking of 12am or 12pm. Anyways i had to protect my self respect so i said 'oh i was thinking of 9am.'

Now it is already 8:36am here. And i am sitting with oil in my hair which i plan to wash today. I just turned on the hot water too. Looks like i am going to be in the bathroom for a fucking one hour now.

So i will call up that lady and apologise and tell her i overslept so i am going to be late and hence i will meet you at 10:30 am.

All this for all the passion i speak of about martial arts. She is going to wonder how i will turn up for the early morning classes at 6am if i cannot make it to her place at 9am. Oh well, i could change right? (?)

Anyways, i am a package deal. Along with me comes procrastination, and lots of confusion..and of many other virtues which i choose not to speak of right now.

Today i wont be a 'blog potatoe' becoz after meeting this lady i have to go visit an exhibition by brokers as i am planning to buy a home (since last two months i am in the planning stage). Then after that i will go and meet the bankers and find out about how much they can loan me.

From there i go to meet my grandmom (who says she has forgotton my face) becoz its ages since i met her. I have purchased a nice silk shawl for her to keep her warm this winter. I am very eager to gift her that before the winters go and the summers arrive in India. (phew, see another virtue)

Then i have removed all my canvas and my bedroom is filled with painting materials and brushes and all. So by evening i will have to clean it all up. Oh and i also have to wash a few clothes unless i decide to go naked to work on monday. And arrange my closet, all my clothes fall out like the nigara when i open it now..

So today i have to move my ass and get some work done becoz my room is begining to look like an ancient egyptian pryamid. Another of my virtues, i like ancient artifacts or articrafts (however they are called). I have a unique ability to turn anything mordern into ancient (by not taking care of it or dusting it)

All of this is supposed to be 'funny'. And i dont feel like laughing at all. If you find this funny let me know.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

my passion

If there is one thing which turns me on totally, that is martial arts. It makes me feel so complete. I probably get the same kick out of it which alcoholics and drug addicts do :)

The most satisfied moment i ever had and which i can vividly remember is when i once walked out of my dojo after a really hard session of eskrima (filliphino martial arts - stickfighting).

I lack stamina. I have always lacked stamina. I am probably the first one to start panting in the class or be out of breath. I cannot run too long. I never could run for long enough...the side of my stomach would start hurting.

Yet i would always be the last one to stop practise. I am sure i have a past life history with martial arts. It tunes me in. It turns me on. It makes me feel as if i am on top of the world. I feel charged. I can feel the energy flow in my body.

I remember i used to stuff daddy's old trousers in a pillow case and hang it in my balcony and practise punching them late nights screaming "ooooo" "aaaaa"...the martial art cries..till my parents would warn me that i am going to wake up the neighbours.

I remember all the friday nights when i would sit up late to watch the bruce lee movies which were aired on STAR movies as "Friday fury". My favourite book when i used to learn martial arts has always been "Zen in Martial Arts".

I used to quote in my job interviews that my goal is to go to the shoalin temple and learn kungfu. And the interviewers would shake their head and look at each other weirdly.

God knows how i became a chartered accountant. I did becoz i have to earn a living and my parents told me to do so. Now i am earning so fine. I can now pursue my dreams. I dont want to work for anyone. I want to do my own thing.

I dont know to sing or dance. All i know is i love martial arts and painting. Not that i have excelled in these. I love doing both of them. And now i love writing too. So that makes it three..there are three things i am really passionate about. And i am going to pursue all the three of them.

I searched and searched on google for a martial arts class in Bombay. I found one and i will be visiting them tommorrow. I hope they accept me as a student.

I cannot learn from anybody. I have tried that before it does not work. I need someone whom i can connect with. I am not learning martial arts to feed my ego. I am learning it to connect to my inner self. So i need someone whom i can relate to at a higher level.

I am so inspired reading the blogs of michael, phats, lonewolf, real-e. And i remember my convo with Mr X too who is a 5th Dan in Judo. All of this has motivated me massively and brought all my past memories back and i am all set to revamp my life now.

I hope this school is good, where i go tomm. I hope they will be 'willing' to teach me. I have a problem: My left arm has all these needle pricking marks. And there is a surgery done and i cannot have any one hit my left arm or i will be lying in a pool of blood as they have stiched my veins together. If you touch my left arm you can even feel the buzzing feeling of blood flowing...that is how sensitive it is.

Tomm when i meet the teachers i will have to tell them this. Do you think they will still accept me as a student? Oh god, i wish i did not have this kidney failure. At least i could have learnt martial arts. Where will i find at teacher who will be 'willing' to teach me?

But i will keep searching.

When the student is so ready
a teacher will approach her willingly..

painting

painting to float my feelings
in colours and oils

to create a world
of my own

where i can live not exist
where i can express not deppress
where i can see other dimensions
and jump probabilities

to meet and merge with
another anu
who has healed herself

anu and the squirrel

I saw a squirrel
climbing the tree

nibbling the wood
and the leaves

it was alone
and so was i

but there is a difference
between the squirrel and me

i think i have more brains
than the squirrel

i know financial modelling
and have learnt martial arts

i can draw and paint
and can write a blog

squirrel knows nothing much
other than nibbling the leaves and wood
and jumping from this tree to the other

but the squirrel seemed content
and at ease with itself

and i am conscious of
my lonliness and uneasiness

the squirrel is okay to be alone
and does not whine and cry

i miss being in love
and fret and fuss about it

yes there is a big difference
between the squirrel and me

squirrel is one with nature
aware of its beauty
and is in a state of bliss

i feel your energy squirrel
i feel your joy and focus
i see how you go about your day
with passion and love and mindfulness

you have no internet
you have no blog
yet you are never bored

you fill your day with
meaningful adventures
all about mud, trees, leaves
tiny insects, bugs and grass

how can you be so much
with so little squirrel,

when i have so much around me
and yet i am so little.

Friday, December 16, 2005

fruitseller child

Yesterday when i was on my way to work, i saw a fruit cart with a fruitseller who was so different.

This fruitseller was a little girl about five years. Sitting in the midst of all fruits you can barely see her face. It was evident her father had kept her as a replacement while he was away. The little girl just sat there numb doing nothing in particular like a precious doll. She had short hair and a black hairband on her head. She was wearing a sweater to keep her warm and her hands were folded around her chest.

Her face was so expressionless. I wonder what she was thinking. I wonder what she was looking at. I could see her staring at the fruits.

I saw all this in two seconds when my rick passed the stall. I dont know if this image is for real. Becoz i dont remember where is saw this image..on which road or street. I dont even remember if this was on my way to work or back.

Yet i remember the little girl sitting on a high stool, in the midst of fruits all staked up taller than her.I remember the look on her face. It was calm and unassuming. A lost look. A content look.

Her day had begun.

...

Nothing really matters and yet everything does. I cannot seem to stick to any philosophy of life. When i look around for guidance, i see none. What is life but one long journey. Sometimes i want to shake myself up to achieve closure in certain issues.

Is my blogging an addiction. Is my want for attention bad for health. Will my kidneys ever revive.

Who knows. I dont know the answers for these questions.I spend all my time searching and validating myself.
I am so hypersensitive. Inspite and despite of what i seem to know, a single word can totally throw me off balance. I am vulnerable. And i can be in tears at the drop of the hat. I always feel i am missing something.

I have no 'Guru'. I have no 'God' who i can follow. I dont have any particular philosophy in life. I have reached a stage where i find it so difficult to follow someone. Not that i have a high opinion of myself. But i watch them, listen to what they talk and i am out of there. I cannot relate to most people around me. I have no clue what they are running after all the while. I sometimes feel that i dont belong here.

I oscillate between extremes. I have no idea what i am going to do with my life.

Everyday i try to listen to myself. But i cannot sit in one place and meditate.

So i have dropped it all and dont want to analyse anything for a while. And go through my day as a passive observer. Mostly all of this comes out when i am alone and lonely.

Right now as i am typing i can hear my watchman chatting with his friend. He lives in a very tiny room which is so small, one person cannot sleep in that. He cooks his own food. He wakes up early morning washes cars and waters plants. He sleeps in the entrance on a cot donated by someone with one bedsheet. And he is enthusiastically chatting with his friend right below my bedroom window.

That is all. no analysis. actions speaks louder than words.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

back

Alright .. that was a really short break.

I think i am too young (in my own eyes). So maybe i can do with a few addictions..

I have a story every day. And it is so much fun saying it here.

I miss writing

I miss you

so i am back

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

break

I started this blog so that i can express and let go of all my feelings.

But i am getting addicted to it. I have been spending all my time here since the last few days.

I dont like where this is going.

So i am taking a break from blogging. I may still visit and read a few blogs but not sure if i want to write.

Wish you all well. Merry Christmas and Happy new year.

Take care and seeya around friends.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

crush..

I am having a crush..

I am doing a project for my company w.r.t i went to a department in the company. Since i needed to understand their process, they asked me to sit and observe a guy, lets call him X. Then make my notes and then report to
them.

Now X is a tall handsome very white skin super serious looking guy with a fabulous body. I saw his super serious face and got nervous and thought, "Gosh, this one is looking at me as if i am going to eat him up." He never smiled at me and just spoke the basic minimum. The observation was scheduled for three days. And i was already getting jitterry thinking i have to spend three days with this 'super serious guy'.*rolls eyes*

Day one was fine, i almost slept off during the whole process and later admitted to the guys around that i did sleep as they could make that out looking at my eyes.

Day two, we had to go out of office to do the second stage. That is when the whole story began. This guy X seemed to open up pretty nicely and we discussed a lot of things from martial arts to idlis to living alone to the company politics. I found him really so sweet and sensible. He was asking me what i wanted to do in life and i told him, i really want to go to the shoalin temple someday and practise martial arts. I had already learnt karate and stick fightting and kickboxing. He told me he was a black belt in Judo. Bingo...there was chemistry between us. Later he came to drop me to the rick. I got late to go home but i really enjoyed the day.

Day three, started well but when the project got over and i went to thank him for his support, he said coldly with his super serious face "is there anything you need? i got work to do." My heart broke, i said "oh nothing at all, i just wanted to say thanks". Sad smile and left.

Later whole day i spent thinking of him and could not stop thinking of him. Thats when Nids my friend told me that maybe i have a crush on him. Oh well, yes i was 'crushed'.

Over the weekend Nids and i were talking and she suggested i should sms him a thank you note. If he replies he is interested, if no then he is not. So i sent him an sms thanking him for his time and effort. He replied back saying "it was my pleasure ninja. Work was more enjoyable with you around.." God, i was jumping in joy and i told Nids and then i sent him another sms "i am wondering why was Jackie Chan so formal with me while i was leaving" (Nids suggested this to me. I was referring to him as Jackie Chan and to his cold remark on the last day). But i guess he did not understand the sms and just sent back a smile-" :) " after a long wait. Then nothing..sigh.

After that he did not send me an sms at all. I tried walking around where he sits since last two-three days. But he does not come out he is stuck to his comp. Today finally i saw him and he said "hi" and i said an enthusiastic "hi" happily and he went his way.

I was discussing with my friend at work. She said you gave him so many hints he is not responding means probably he is not interested or maybe he has a gf. Well...well...

I really like this guy. I wish i could just walk up to him and ask him for tea. But i am scared of his super serious face and the fact that i tried to get in touch with him and he did not reciprocate. I am feeling sad..i want that guy!
I mean not in bed..i want to get to know him and talk to him..i seem to like him.

Anyways, i am busy trying to counsel myself to not get so desperate and just let him be. I am talking to myself. Asking me to handle this with some elegance and grace and not stalk him. If he does not respond means he is not interested. Understand that anu and move on.

But i like him says another part of me. I am dying to talk to him becoz the feeling of liking someone but not getting to know them enough is eating me up.

So, oh well, i have decided that i am going to try not to lust for his attention.I really like him period. I will probably dream about him and think whole day about the conversations had. I will feel the pain of him not returning my gestures. i will feel and know clearly that he may not be interested.

But i will not run away from the pain or try to end it by jumping on him and trying to talk to him.

Oh these vows are so hurtful to write sob sob ...but i am going to try all that.

Right now i am crushed..

long day ahead

I have a long long day ahead. Just leaving for work. I have to start working on modelling the business intelligence reports. Then probably work on three departments simultaneously. My boss is going on leave so he wants me to complete everything so that we can present to the CFO. I was grumbling initially thinking about the super tight deadlines i have been given. But now ...

I dont want to analyse and bitch about my boss saying he is making me work harder. I want to be grateful that i have work to do. And i find my work really interesting. It involves a lot of thought and enormous effort. But there is a great value-addition at the end of it - which is the learning.

I have always wanted my work to be revolutionary. Now i have one. But it will probably require me to put in tremendous effort and lots of time. I dont want to crib and whine. I want to be proactive and work hard towards meeting the difficult deadlines.

I am not going to look at all the people who take it easy today and are in a vacation mood as Christmas is approaching. I am going to plan my work and work my plan.

I need to do this for my sake. I need to work as if this is my last day to complete my assignments.
I want to get that 'class' in my work. My aura. My energy should be in my reports.
I dont want to call it 'work' anymore... I want to utilise my next 8 hours in the best possible way at office today.
I want to put in 110%, just becoz that is the way it should be...i cannot give anything but the best.

Monday, December 12, 2005

morning tea

Early morning and i am still half asleep.

I have to go for the annual health check up today (which is sponsored by my company for all employees) so i cannot drink tea and have my breakfast (which is four marie biscuits).

Oh how much i miss my morning tea!

I dont have to go any further. I dont have to see the subtle beauties in life or talk about nature and its vivid ways.

I dont have to wait for my day of 24 hours to pass by to think of all the wonderful things which happenned.

I dont have to wait till the end of my life to count my blessings.

I just have to look right where i am, early morning when i open my eyes and i will know...
the value of simple things in life like my morning tea becoz i cannot have it today.

Early morning tea...so precious.

I miss you...my morning tea.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

horny

sitting here naked
on my hairy leaking puss

i watch my hot horny body
in the long mirror

cupping my tities
in my hand
i pinch my nipples
with my fingers

i see them sticking out
hungrily to be sucked
by a mouth dripping
with hot saliva

i turn my back
and spread my
round tight ass

it feels so good to
shake it and
stick my index finger
right into it

bring my toungue out
and imagine licking
a hot throbbing rod

i look like one
shamless horny
little bitch
waiting to be fucked

this is me

Suddenly i am all conscious...

Earlier no one would visit my blog. I used to write all kinds of things here.
My fantasies, erotic stories, sex, masturbation everything.

And i would do that when i feel.

Now suddenly i am feeling conscious with all the people visiting my blog.

Right now i am so very horny and i just want to let go. I am sitting stark naked here and probably i will stick my fingers in my pussy and let the heat out. But i am shocked that i am kind of feeling conscious to write all this thinking what all the people reading will think of me.

But i say fuck it. I am like this. I am this and that both. The purpose of my blog is to express and be totally me.
I have no responsibility towards anyone and if anyone is offended dont visit me anymore period. I will not live up to anyone's expectations. If you dont like what i am writing thats your problem, not mine. This is my personal space and i do what i want here.

I will continue to let out my bitchy sluty filthy side here becoz i love that aspect of me and it is what makes me what i am ...whole and soul.

song

i sing
tra la la la
la la la la la

hmm mmm mmm
la la la la la la la la

tra la la la la la la la
i am afraid of my own voice

transformation

I have undergone a transformation.

There was a time when i used to be 'proud' of having a kidney failure (it was first diagnosed two yrs ago). I was feeling glorious about it. I used to feel like a 'hero' who is battling all these irrsurmountable odds. Everyone around praised me for my positivity and attitude towards what they termed as an 'incurable disease'. How thrilled i would be about that. I was so fooled by this that i almost started to believe all of this.

People stare at me in the hospital becoz i am petitie and look like i am 20-22 years and i am pretty. They feel so bad for me and they cannot take their eyes off me when they see the needles going in my arm. I used to notice all of this. I used to feel good about it.

I always thought this was fabulous - finally everyone is begining to recognise me. Soon i felt the need to tell my story whereever i went. I even mentioned it in some or other context while writing comments in some blogs. I thought either i was giving them courage and motivation or i was sharing with them. At the drop of the hat, i used to mention about my kidneys so that others say 'wow, anu, you are so great!'.

Till recently i was basking in the 'false' glory of my failed kidneys. The attention i was getting from everyone was glowing brightly on my face. I almost got carried away to believing what a fabulous and inspiring person i am till i realised something sounds really profound to me.

The realisation has so shocked me that i go numb when anyone praises me. Probably becoz i am able to see the deeper beliefs in me and the games i am playing with myself in this whole drama.

The whole purpose of my life is to learn and grow. Life is never ending and death is just the begining of another life. There are countless probabilities and millions of permutations and combinations available for us to choose from. Still among all of them, if i have choosen the anu who has the 'kidney failure'. It is in this very anu to continue or change it or jump probabilities.

So whats all this drama i am getting into about me being heroic becoz i am battling a disease. A dis-ease is simply something on the outside. I think when you are ready to tackle a problem it manifests on the outside in the form of a physical illness. It probably does becoz its time has come and its time for you to recognise it and deal with it.
It wants 'your' attention.

There is something to 'learn' here and not to 'conquer', not to overcome here. I am no hero. Its just the right time in my life to probably use the disease to deal with certain core deep issues in my existence so that i am over and done with those classes.

I had almost gone off-track and begun to 'use' my kidney failure to gain 'attention and approval' from everyone. That attention however is coated with sympathy and i dont need that. Earlier i used to feel so special and feel what an inspiration i am to others. Now i feel different. I can almost see through the games i was playing with myself.

I am manipulating myself to believe that i am doing something great by tackling this kidney problem. That feeling gave me attention. I was using my kidneys to gain attention.

Thank god for this realisation.
If i am truely growing.
Kidneys or no kidneys
it should not matter to me.

I should not feel necessary
to portray myself as a 'hero'
or a warrior battling against
insurmountable odds
to win a war

In this moment of time
if i am really true to myself
i will be in a state of bliss
and boundless joy

and not need any prop
like my kidneys
to gain attention or
sympathy from the world

Probably then i have
learnt my lesson well
and my kidneys may
choose to rejuvinate
once again :-)

I hope you are listening
dearest kidneys

Friday, December 09, 2005

my eyes

My big fish shaped eyes
with brown coloured eye balls
and black eye lashes

I applied a black eyeliner
with a black pencil
outlined it with a grey line

I applied a black line
below my eyes

I look up at you and
look into your eyes

My eyes sparkle
more beautifully
than ever before

Fine legs

My legs are fine :) Apparently it was not water retention at all. The doctors had increased my sodium levels from 136 to 140 and i cannot tolerate that much sodium. Gosh! in a discussion with the doctor i uncovered this. Phew, what a relief.

So i am very happy here sitting and night dreaming and listening to songs on the fm radio :-)

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

of dialysis, death and love

Yesterday i worked till 8 pm in the night and then rushed for 'emergency' dialysis becoz my feet were swollen so badly i got barely walk. My dialysis started at 9 pm and ended at 1 am. The last hour was so horrible. I had these severe cramps. My blood pressure kept fluctuating between 180/100 to 100/70. Maya, the nurse and Rahul, the technician took very good care of me. They were so worried for me.

I was alone at dialysis. I did not want to disturb my parents.

I was given dextrox 25 mg and 75 mg for the cramps. It helped just a little. Maya and Rahul were massaging my feet to make me feel better. Maya even ordered tea for me.The swelling in my leg had not reduced and it looked so awful and scary.

I have a regular rickshaw driver (a riskshaw is a three wheeler public transport in India which can carry three people..something like a tram). He drives me up to and back from office and to dialysis. He insisted that he will wait outside the hospital for me till 1:00 am and drop me home and then go back.

At around 1 am my dialysis finally got over and i was leaving, the swelling still there on my leg. I was very very weak and tired. Maya and Rahul insisted that i give them a 'missed call' when i reach home so that they know i am safe. My rick driver was waiting below the hospital. We spoke a bit as he drove me home. He did not take any extra charges even though i offerred him a huge tip. He simply refused to take it.

I thought of the love and affection i was getting from the tiny gestures of Maya and Rahul and my rick driver. I began to really appreciate it. I keep complaining for lack of love and affection. Here i got it all, from strangers and that too when i least expected it but needed it the most.

I promise myself that i will recognise and 'see' these little things which others do for me. I will take it in. Absorb it. Feel the energy of the gift they have given me. Feel their love and affection. I wont take their actions for granted. It is these very little little things and moments which will make my day someday. It is probably these very ordinary unassuming people who without expecting anything in return 'give'.

And i cry here all the while waiting for love? There is so much love around. All waiting to pour into my heart, lungs and kidneys. If only i can learn to 'see' it, recognise it and appreciate it, my life will be so much more fuller. But i am learning. I am begining to see. I am glad i made progress today:)

When i reached home, the building gate was locked by the watchman. The rick driver helped me open the gate. And left for his home which was 30 mts away from my home.

It was 2:30 am when i reached. Tired and weak i entered home, opened the door with the spare key i had. I changed and tried to sleep..keeping my feet on an elevated position to reduce the swelling.

I was really scared today after dialysis. It was not a nice experience. As i slept, i thought what would happen if i die. I really did not mind dying i thought. I am not too desperate to live. Not becoz i dont have any hope or faith. Just becoz, it does not matter either ways.

As i tried to sleep, i thought of the people who 'may' remember me if i died, and the one person i could think of is my grandmother. There are many others who may miss me a lot. But i could feel the pain of my grandmother. She is so hurting for me.

I am the favourite of my grandfather and grandmother. They love me more than anyone else in this world (at least thats what i believe). My grandfather died two years ago. I did not cry much. I could not. I dont accept he is dead. He is very alive for me in my heart and spirit.

I cannot let the people whom i love 'die'. They may not be here in this physical reality right in front of my eyes. But that does not mean they are not there. Their essence is there with me. I need that. I cannot live with a feeling of 'loss'. That pain is so unbearable. I cannot cope with that.

But i can convince myself that they are alive and as alive as the sun, moon and the stars.

I can feel them.
I can breathe them.
I can talk to them.
And i can always cry to them that i really really miss them.
Just hug a pillow and sob deeply...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Early morning

Early morning
birds chirping
chow chow chow

crows crowing
caw caw caw

Monday, December 05, 2005

swollen legs

I worked late today skipped dialysis


My legs are swollen badly water retention

It scares me to look at them they look like they will burst

I pray to my kidneys that they heal themselves

dancing leaves

Yesterday night
in the stillness of the purple sky

when everything was calm
and everyone was asleep

i saw lying awake on my bed
from my window

Six leaves
dancing happily
to a silent beat

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Wasted day

Today once again the whole day
i was in either past or future

So again i spent an entire day
in wallowing and wishing

And then i complain
Why i am not able to meditate

How can i
if i spend endless hours

in anything but the 'present'
always wishing or wallowing

with no time in the 'now'.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Strip tease

Yesterday U invited me for a party at her friend's place. I reached there late in the night at 11 pm. My hair was one big mess, i had tried to blow dry it and put lots of straightener on it, it did not work and finally i tied it up into a lousy pony tail. I wore a sleeveless navy blue skimpy top and i am ashamed of my underarms becoz they are dark..suddenly it got dark, dunno how.

I wore a black panty and a blue bra dont ask why, thats all i could find late in the night. I really should arrange my closet, all my clothes fall out like a waterfall when i open it.

I was in a mess becoz i had to travel from work to home for 1 1/2 hours and then change at home and then rush back to the party. I reached home at 8:40 pm and then washed my long hair (falling down to my waist) and left for the party. I wished i had gone to a parlour instead of trying all those things on my hair. Yikes, i will never make that mistake again.

I was nervous and tensed as i was reaching the party becoz of my hair and i felt i did not look good in the dress i wore. But i resolved to live in the present and try and relax.

It was in the house of K who was a good friend of U. K's parents were really cool, they let everyone just be, booze, play loud music and do whatever they want, while the parents slept in their bedroom inside.

I was greeted warmly by U and her husband Krish (too many K's will be confusing so i will call him Krish). There was Prasad with his wife, Krish's best friend with whom he had formed a rock music band in his college. Then there were 7 guys and 4 girls from a leading world wide audit company in India all cute looking who were K's friends. There was U's friends me and two girls and one guy. Thats it, that was the party along with lots of booze, all kinds of goodies to eat and biryani (both veg and non-veg).

U, my friend told me that there are going to be strippers for the party. They were not professionals but friends of K. They were just doing this sportingly. The guys were the ones from the leading audit firm. Man, they were really good looking with good bodies. And they were so cool, giggling and cracking jokes.

For a while, these guys played some rock music, metallica etc. Everyone was enjoying the songs except me. I had never heard of these songs. I was pretending to like the music and enjoy them.

Then Krish and Prasad got their guitar out and played some lovely music and sang. They played songs like Scorpio, winds of change, patience, metallica, Hotel california and many more. Everyone was singing except for me. Becoz i did not know the songs. But here i had to pretend less becoz i was really enjoying the live guitar sounds and songs.

By now i was begining to get comfortable, U kept asking me if i am fine and so did her husband Krish. The stripper guys asked me where was my glass (of booze of course). I stammerred saying U will get it. They insisted they will do it for me. (I cannot drink alcohol bcoz of my kidneys, dunno what it can do to me). U ran to the guys and said she will make a real good drink for me. And got me lemon juice (the only drink i had during the party ;-) ) and i pretended it was the booze i was drinking.

After songs we ate food. The stripper guys and the others from the audit firm were a group talking and laughing among themselves and i was with the other group looking at everyone's faces and smiling and reminding myself to be at ease. What was really surprising is, i was begining to feel comfortable not talking , not needing to say things to make myself a part of the party and not needing to initiate a conversation for the heck of it. Still here and there some one would speak to me.

I thought fuck it, its alright, i have to be myself and try not to pretend to be comfortable. Let the discomfort show. It is what it is and let me not hide it. That is where i started having fun.

It was 1:30 am and we girls started getting restless. We wanted to see the striptease. So the boys were all pushed into another room and locked. That took 30 mts becoz they kept coming out and begging to be a part of the spinster party. Krish was also locked in by U. U brought lots of ten rupee notes and gave me and her other friends to throw it on the stripper guys.

The music started : there was a dj and a manager and there were these three good looking guys who were strippers. They danced and danced and the lights were dim. Pulling their shirts up half way and the manager kept telling us to throw the money on them. U was fabulous. She was a total slut going all over them and sticking money in their shirts and mouths. Other than U, we are all shy and a bit shocked. But these guys were so damn cute and they made us so comfortable, they dragged each one of us on the floor and soon we were dancing with them.

U, the bride was totally enjoying herself. She removed all their shirts and flung them like a whore around. She can be such a fabulous slut wow. I tried to be as comfortable and easy with myself as possible. I realised i really liked what was happening. I danced with all the three guys. And i was the first one to stick a note in one guy's trousers, and remove another guy's belt. They were so so so nice and sweet, i was very happy and comfortable. No judging, no pretending, they did not scare me or get intimidate me. They were probably just happy that i was a girl and vice versa. It was plain fun.

U pulled down everyone's trousers and flung them around. She was fascianted by this guy A, who was the most good looking among the lot. Soon everyone was dancing in their boxers with all girls around them. Then U pulled down the boxers of A and he stood there in his vest (underwear? now i sound crude dont i?). Man she was sitting under his legs and he was bending down to her. The guys were wistling and girls were screaming. We were all staring at them. He had worn a V shaped black colour vest. He looked so sexy just in that.

U also tried pulling down the boxers of other guys "from behind". We saw their naked ass as they resisted and caught it at the right time. We stuck notes in various parts of their bodies. This went on for a while. Then eveyone got tired and we sat down and these guys wore their clothes.

This was the sweetest thing i had ever seen. These guys were not professionals. They were chartered accountants from an audit firm in their late twenties or early thirties- the best one in the world. Intelligent and focussed in their work. One travels the world, another was working in Boston and the third was giving his GMAT exam. But they were so damn cool. They just did all this for fun. We did not see their cocks, we got to see only their asses. But i really liked them. They were just so approcable.

I did not feel special there. But i did not feel 'left out' too. I did not feel 'i am being judged'. I did not feel the need to 'work on myself' there...because i was 'myself'. I liked myself there.

I told the guys, 'some day i would like to do a strip tease for you'. They told me they will be so looking forward for that day. There was so much energy there. The feeling of love, friendship, a bond..it is unexplainable. When you dance with someone almost naked, i guess a lot of inhibitions fall out. There is a oneness about it. A feeling that you can 'be' and noone is going to say anything about you now - no judging. I think there no one was judging anyone becoz everyone was 'comfortable' - when you are really comfortable then you dont judge - neither yourself nor another.

I realised something profound today. I am always complaining others judge me. I think i let others judge me when i judge myself. I think i let others judge me, when i am 'not comfortable' with myself. If i am comfortable with myself and my energy will flow and they will reciprocate to that in the same fashion. And i cannot 'try' to be comfortable with myself - either i am or i am not, there is no in between situation.


U then danced like a whore and shook her ass and lured these guys and they threw money at her. They actually gave away most of what they had earned to her back. U was amazing. All this while Krish her husband and the other three guys sat in the bedroom eating and gossipping.

The stipper guys left at around 3:30 am. They kissed all us girls on the forehead and they hugged us especially me and that was so sweet. I loved been kissed on my forehead :) They said thank you to us and i told them i had so much fun and i really enjoyed it. They said i made an offer they cannot refuse and they will wait for my show. Then I left with U and Krish at 4:45 am. They left me to a rick and i came back home at 5 am.

I enjoyed the striptease today. I really loved the guys. They were so cute. I loved their spirit. I loved that i was so damn comfortable with them. I loved that they seemed so easy and were so approachable. I loved that they let me touch them and dance with them. I loved that i could read their minds and they were not judging me or analysing me. I loved that i was not judging myself and analysing myself. I loved that i was not trying to be myself . I am living me - i am me.

I want to learn to dance really well. I want to strip too ...actually do a strip tease. And i know i will look gorgeous ..long brownish black hair, big beautiful eyes, slender body..mmm and lots of heat.

There is a bond which is created when you strip. There is an openness when you let down your inhibitions. There is a relationship which you create when you express yourself physically.

Most importantly, there was so much trust, love and respect which was shared between them and us. It was a energy ball were were in as if we are in the 'Sun'..that kind of an energy..flowing..no stopping no stagnating, no jealousy, no resentment, no hatred, no tears..just pure love and respect..mmmm my heart is filled with this.

Someday very soon, i want to dance dirty and strip nude, in live in front of such a group in total safety, love, respect, admiration and openess to let myself free, to drop my inhibitions and to such a group of fine souls.

I want to connect baring it all..my heart, my soul and my body..stripped nude.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Empty my mind

I have cried and cried till all my tears dried. I saw in the last few days how weak and vulnerable i am. How hysterical i get. How much fear is lurking in my heart. How i have this mask on where i pretend to be wise but i am otherwise.

I make all these committments in my head about all the dos and donts for the days ahead. And one phone call from R and all my pain is gone. Vanished in thin air. I have been crying day and night, but when i talk to him, i dont feel anything. There is something so powerful and amazing about this man which totally captivates me.

I was shocked at my realisation that my life could be hell and a single conversation with R can make me feel perfectly alright again, as if nothing happenned.

I find this syndrome so weird and unhealthy. I want to work this out. This is not merely the case with him, probably the same with others, i have not analysed in depth becoz they dont matter much to me.

I dont want to become a victim and beg for sympathy. I am tired of that. I want to make a start somewhere..

I dont talk much at work. I dont analyse much now a days. I have not taken anything personally since this Monday. I just sit at my desk and do my work quietly. The mid-term performance reward letters were distributed to a few at work. It was an hush-hush affair. I was not in the list even though i had some really good work up my sleeve. This time i just told myself that 'it is okay to not be rewarded for good work'. And i feel bad
and thats alright too.

I have so much shit and junk in my head. Unable to handle what happened i forced myself to meditate since Monday. I had no choice. I could not handle the feelings of fear and insecurity . Normally if anything went wrong, i would run to R for help and solace. Now i cannot run to him. So I stood there and saw myself - weak, tired, old, vulnerable...

Maybe i will be like this throughout my life. Even if that is the case, i am going to give a shot at getting out of this syndrome. With that in mind and heart, and nowhere to go this time, i started meditating.

I sat for 10 mts on Monday on the bed facing the garden outside my bedroom window. Those 10 mts seemed like an hour to me.

I have to travel 21/2 hours to and from work daily. On Tuesday, Wenesday and Thusday i meditated while travelling to and from work.

I closed my eyes and focussed on 'nothing' in particular or imagined colours in the darkness of the closed eye. All kinds of thoughts poured into my mind. I even cried on the way to work. But later, as a new thought entered my mind, i reminded myself that i am trying to give my mind a break and let that thought go. I did not hold it in my head. I did not wallow in it. I did not think of it and analyse it. Every time my mind wandered, like a wild horse, i pulled it back with the reins into focus on 'nothing in particular'. I focussed on a 'vaccum'.

This seems to be helping me a bit. Now whenever i am idle and i am tempted to go in day-dreaming or think about any event or person, i try to focus into the nothingness. When i am too hassled i say 'OOOMMMMMM' mantra or i take the name of 'Krishna'.

This way i am not letting my mind wander and so the incessent chatter which goes on 24/7 in my head 'seems' to have calmed down a bit, at least for now.

Maybe, finally i am begining to clean the shit out of my head.

Its time to empty my mind to bring peace to myself and others around me.