Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

We can all do with new lives

Right now R is showing me his old album pictures. He has returned from LA. He met his ex-wife and daughter. He adores his daughter and she means the world for him. His ex-wife has been lying about R in front of his daughter and his daughter C was confused and behaving coldly with R. One night this week, R called up from LA and we spoke about what's happenning in his life. He sounded so sad that C was acting tough with him. Knowing R for over two years now, i know if there is one person he really really loves and would give his life for in this world- it is C, his daughter.

As we were talking, R confessed that he was feeling so lonely and tired and unhappy. But he said that inspite all of what's happenning, he is going to continue with his life. Today the only person in the world he is crazy about is C. And what happens if C disowns him or acts cold with him? R said he would be sad but he wont crumble like a pack of cards. He will go on. Its upto C to believe or not. If she chooses to believe her mom becoz she stays with her and is groomed and conditioned to think like that, so be it. Some day she may know that her father is safe to be with and a nice man afterall. Even if that day does not come, its alright. Its time i stop convincing people about what they think about me and continue with my journey.

Then he said something really profound which touched me and taught me one of the greatest lessons i have ever learnt. "We keep saying all the while we create our own reality. Its all very well to say that when things are going right. What happens when things go wrong? We become victims to the situation and blame the people around and refuse to take responsibility for our own lives. I am not doing that. I created this reality for my own reasons and its time i face it and change it. I will flow with whats happening. If they all choose to mis-understand me, i am not going to stop and argue, i will continue to work on myself and create a new life for me...far from all these misunderstandings and fuck ups." said the 57 year young R to me.

Here is a man, who is going to start his life all over again...for the nth time. He has no savings and no real family. Yet he is coming to India next month with all the investor's money to make buildings for people to live in. He has nothing of his own right now, truely speaking other than a hand full of girl friends who adore him and love him, nothing at all (yes, i am one of them). And if you ask me why i still love him? Its becoz of this spirit of his. Something about the way he handles himself in certain situations...the energy, the yearning to keep learning, the ability to be alone, the something something which i see in him which i don't see in many many others around.

I adore and admire this man who gets younger and younger day by day in my eyes.

Today R showed me his pics in his early 40s. God i was shocked at how amazing he looked. He looked absolutely stunningly handsome. In one pic, i saw C standing in his coat and boots..she looked as if she wanted to say that she was proud to be in Daddy's coat and boots. I had tears in my eyes as i saw that pic and thought of what happenend in LA with R. At that time R said this, "those were the happy times". I suddenly had this rush of emotions in my heart and began to see R in a new light. Not as someone who i had a torrid affair with and ...(you know right what all happened by now).

I saw him as another soul in its own journey, wading through the deep oceans, swiming with the sharks at the risk of being eaten alive. I saw the things he gave up in life and the people for whom he sacrificed and repented later. I saw the things which made him what he is. I saw him through the toughness with which he treats me. I saw him through the irritation and grumbling. I saw through his wrinkled nose the young handsome man with dreams in his eyes. He had something then which he still has now: dreams in his eyes and a fire in his belly. I suddenly realised that has not changed. The sparkle in his eyes, the spring on his every step and the warm smile is still there. The charisma which makes so many women go weak in their knees is still there.

I saw him not as R someone who i fell in love with, but as R an individual apart from me...standing in his own right. I distanced him away from me. I felt such a deep sense of love at that time for this soul, which has undergone so much (there is so much to him, some day i will tell you that). I did not see what i could have done with R or what i could have got out of him. I saw him as just another person trying to defy age and the laws of this physical reality. Someone who still has the "will to live" and "to create and to dance in joy". Someone who thought his dreams will be fullfilled with me.Someone who had hopes in his eyes thinking i would be the one with whom he would spend the last days of his life with. (crying)

I dont know whether i am crying for him or for me...

I hope he does well in his life for sure. As long as i am true to myself in all my feelings and expressions, i know i will be well taken care by my entity and i will be fine. I told him this at the end of our conversation:

A: seeing how you are now. and how you handled yourself in LA, i really like the "new you". in comparison to many yous i have seen over the past two years. so i have no doubt a lot of magic is awaiting for you to unfold.

R: i think i will try to make a new life now. that time has come.

A: good luck

R: thanks - and the same to you

A: welcom and thank you

we can all do with new lives :)


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