Name:
Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Saturday, November 05, 2005

the smile that shines through tears

Today George called up and told the CFO that he needs to get the department of my ex boss Ass (those r the first three letters of his name) audited. And he wants me and my immediate boss to do it. R called up and warned me about being made a scape goat to the office politics. We discussed the strategy i would take which is: i will insist that if i have to do the audit of MIS and Accounts department , then an official mail has to be sent to that effect with a cc to them both.

I had a tough time convincing my immediate boss P about this. I put my foot down and refused to succumb to his pressures. I said if NN the CFO does not send an official mail i am not going to do it. Later during the day, P spoke to NN and he agreed to send a mail.

Today also happens to be the last day of K who is Ass's assistant. He is leaving because he is frustrated with Ass. K joined in July and he feels Ass pressurises him too much and his health is affected and he is begining to have blood pressure problems (he is only in his mid twenties).

P asked me to meet up with K and take his feedback on the Ass's department before he leaves. K and I sat and discussed all the risks. K and i then went and met NN and K told him what a tyrant of a guy Ass was. He clearly told him he lacks managerial and leadership qualities and he is not a team player. NN told me i and P will have to approach Ass together and get his feedback on all this. Then we will have to document it and then present it to NN and then we will mail it to George. George has warned NN if he is not given the documentation, the team will visit india and do this exercise.

Life has its own way of balancing everything. This guy Ass had verbally abused me, thrown papers on my face, almost killed me...i was in the ICU fighting for life in Dec 03. And today i am called upon by the parent company to do an audit on his department and report back to them. Gosh, how things have changed. I am very happy with these new developments. In the last three years, my salary has not grown at all. Plus i have been diagnosed with an incurable disease. And my first love relationship with a man twice my age has left me so confused about love.
I am still in love with him because i cannot be out of love but i am so tired mentally. I wish things were much simplier. I had not the slightest clue that i would be begging for someone's love and attention as i did a couple of months back. That i will be in such a vulnerable state that inspite of being told to fuck off and not call - i will still call him up because i could not resist. He says now he never broke off with me and distanced away because of my own feelings of worthlessness and jealousy.

I am having tears in my eyes.

I know what he means and i am working on myself.

But it seems that: he does not love me as i am. If he did why would he distance away from me. Why would he tell me on the second day of meeting me that its not working and he cannot connect. Whats this kind of love which will accept me only when i am "perfect" and when everything is going on well with me.

I know i need to love myself and respect myeslf. I am not blaming R or anyone else here. I know i attract only those people in my life and those experiences which i want. So other's views are merely my own perceptions about myself but from their eyes.

I love R but he so controls me in a way. If he is angry or upset it tenses me up so much i get nervous. I am so afraid if i upset him. He is very tough with me. And i always am nice to him. I always give more preference to him. I will ignore everybody and anybody if his call comes. I just woke up from sleep to talk to him just because he called me. He is my world. I get weak in my knees when i am with him. Now-a-days he never asks me about my kidneys or my health. He never talks to me lovingly or cuddles me or hugs me. I miss all that about him. After we met, all of this has died off in our relationship.

I am crying here.

You all must be thinking i am such a bitch reading my sexual posts. All i have had is cyber sex so far. Only once i had sex in real with R. I am a virgin. No one has even hugged me with love till now. So i dont know how to hug or to kiss. I am a girl who lives in her fantasy. I am a dreamer. I am dead in my real life. I am alive in my fantasies. I am exist in another world, not here. I have kissed my pillows and hugged them and tugged on them and cried but in real life i have not felt so close to anyone. Not even R.

I am not felt so comfortable at ease with any one till today can you imagine? Right now i am feeling alone. I am so beautiful both inside and on the outside. I know i have a lot to me and i am really a special girl. There is so much to me. Then why am i like like this?

I want to change my beliefs. Seth (he is a voice a medium who talks about metaphysical things) says: We create our own reality. We can change our reality by changing our beleifs. We can have the lovely life we want and we deserve.

"You create your own difficulties. This is true for each individual. The inner psychological state is projected outward, gaining physical reality -whatever the psychological state may be....You cannot escape your own attitudes, for they will form the nature of what you see. If changes are to occur, they must be mental and psychic changes. These will be reflected in your environment. Negative, distrustful, fearful, or degrading attitudes toward anyone work against the self." - Seth

You will not be caught in an earthquake if you do not want to be, and no one dies who has not decided to do so. You make your own reality, or you do not. And if you do not, then you are everywhere a victim, and the universe must be an accidental mechanism appearing with no reason. So that the miraculous picture you have seen of your body came accidentally into creation, and out of some cosmic accident attained its miraculous complexity. And that body was formed so beautifully for no reason except to be a victim. That is the only other alternative to forming your own reality. You cannot have a universe in between. You have a universe formed WITH a reason, or a universe formed WITHOUT a reason. And in a universe of reason, there are no victims. Everything has a reason or nothing has a reason. So, choose your side!"- Seth

Now i have wiped my tears. Thank you Seth for reminding me that i create my own reality. When i express my feelings as above i see my beliefs. I have to love and respect myself and improve my self worth. I have to get rid of this belief in worthlessness of myself. Unless i respect myself, no body else will respect me.

Listen anu: get his straight: the problem is not R or anyone else. They will deal with their life. You have to conciously work on the way you think and you weave your imaginations every moment..from there will stem your beliefs and from that you will create your reality. So if you dont like what you have, work on your thoughts and your beliefs dont give up, the darkest hour is always before dawn.

:) i am smiling not crying any more. And isnt the smile that's worth the praises of the heavens the smile that shines through tears?

1 Comments:

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10:36 AM, December 30, 2005  

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