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Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Not believing in opposites

I was on the phone for 11/2hrs with R on the ISD line.We were talking about "believing in opposites".

Have you ever felt jealous, resentful or felt someone is snatching or stealing your happiness or attention? I have.
Sometimes i feel "wow i have conquered that feeling and i feel at bliss". I genuinely felt like that when a guy i really like had a great time and slept with a girl whom he loves. But you know what? After a while, that anger of starts seeping in and she is followed by her sisters - jealousy and resentment.

The only difference is now-a-days i am not getting sucked into that feeling. The moment i notice it seeping in, i am so aware my antennas pop up "ping". I am the observer who observes myself. I resist it. I repeat affirmations in my mind and feel them as deeply in my heart. I remind myself not to take anything personally. And the feeling dies out in a while.

But so far, i have not reached a stage wherein i dont feel that at all. I am naturally in a state of grace and bliss. From that emerges my specialness and my marvel. Not from being the special woman in someone's life or by getting applauds or appreciation.

Not believing in opposites means: not believing in jealousy or resentment or insecurity. Not believing that they exist. The human mind is conditioned to think that "if someone does better than us, damn our life is screwed". For example: A part of me felt that i became lesser in some way when R invited D for his farewell party and not me and showered all the attention on her and spends endless hours praising her writing and her blog and her as a whole person. He even went on to say: D would never feel jealousy or resentful, she has crossed over and she is in another dimension and here i was holding the phone thinking "gosh as i hear this i am going crazy here".

The big question is: why am i comparing myself to her? why do i feel deprived when she attends a party with R? why do i take i take it personally when R tells me he does not love any one but many? Why?Why? Why?

The theory goes like this: if you believe in opposites - opposites meaning conflicts..then they will happen in your life. "Competiton" - there is no such word in nature's dictionary. Nature is at peace and at ease in competition. So what we attract is what we get.

I know i may be sounding really weird in all these writings but i am seriously looking out for some workable solutions within me. I dont want to spend a single nano-second in a futile thought...let alone a whole episode or drama.

I want my moments to be filled with joy and happiness. I want my kidneys to be alright and working fine. I want to have lovely people around me and nurturing relationships. I want to unleash my creativity and originality in my work and daily life. I want to express myself through my paintings. I want to be a great bitch whore and fuck without shame in peace, joy and safety with lots of love showered on me. I want to love and be deeply, madly and crazily loved and lusted for.

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