Name:
Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Lost

I have no one to talk to or express my feelings so i have come back to write it here.

Yest i could not bear to see R upset with me. I wrote things about him in a forum when they triggerred an issue in me. He called me up when i was in dialysis and confronted me. He told me how hurt he was and that he felt like throwing up.

He is my best friend. My lover my everything. He saved my life too in the past when i was ill at home and my parents refused to take me to the hospital. He is the one who sits late with me and helps me make my presentations. He is the one who advises me on how to handle the politics in my company.

And i am feeling miserable for doing what i did. Maybe it is an unpardonable mistake. He feels everything which i told him is wrong. He says i sold him for a little sympathy from a bunch of people in a forum.

I cannot explain anything. I made a mess of my life now.

I always thought i was brave, unique, intelligent, creative, balanced and mature. I am stupid and i wallow in self-pity and i have no self love.

I am begining to feel i am mentally sick. Maybe retarded. Why do i do these things? People get so upset with me. I cannot handle rejection. I cannot handle confrontation. I cannot handle lack of attention.

I am always looking for ways to prove myself. R told me that he is going his way in his life. Earlier i would pester him. I dont have any words now to tell him anything (crying). All i know is i love him very very much. I am stupid and i mess things up. But he wont love me anymore.

I cling to people and i have this worthlessness feeling. He used to help me handle it, now he is gone. He wont be readign my blog or calling me up, (crying)

I dont have anybody in this world now (crying)

Yesterday inspite of the fact that i was so sick and ill adn could barely walk, i went for a movie from 9:30-12:30 am in the mid night. I could not control my thoughts from going to R and i was in such a shock. I thought if i dont divert it my blood pressure will go down and i will die. But if that happens, R will feel it is another game plan by me to get his attention. Even my dying is motivated by a need for attention. He is right. I am a mess.

I am going to work now. Maybe i will just drown myself in work.

I will just let this be now. My best friend in this world the person who i love is gone, i have fucked it all up.

4 Comments:

Blogger Jeff said...

Your own self worth can never be dependent on anyone else. If someone loves you, then they need to love you anyway.

It can never be conditional.

9:32 AM, November 29, 2005  
Blogger NYC TAXI SHOTS said...

anu i love you unconditionaly

1:29 AM, November 30, 2005  
Blogger A.J. said...

Thanks for the message. I'll try to keep you entertained.......laughing at least..............even if it's at my expense

7:02 AM, December 01, 2005  
Blogger anu said...

Right Jeff, i am working towards it.

oh J, i am touched. thank you, How are you feeling now. are you better.

Thank you A J for your warm comments. I will laugh with you A J, not at you.

10:45 PM, December 01, 2005  

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