little miss anu

Name:
Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Lost

I have no one to talk to or express my feelings so i have come back to write it here.

Yest i could not bear to see R upset with me. I wrote things about him in a forum when they triggerred an issue in me. He called me up when i was in dialysis and confronted me. He told me how hurt he was and that he felt like throwing up.

He is my best friend. My lover my everything. He saved my life too in the past when i was ill at home and my parents refused to take me to the hospital. He is the one who sits late with me and helps me make my presentations. He is the one who advises me on how to handle the politics in my company.

And i am feeling miserable for doing what i did. Maybe it is an unpardonable mistake. He feels everything which i told him is wrong. He says i sold him for a little sympathy from a bunch of people in a forum.

I cannot explain anything. I made a mess of my life now.

I always thought i was brave, unique, intelligent, creative, balanced and mature. I am stupid and i wallow in self-pity and i have no self love.

I am begining to feel i am mentally sick. Maybe retarded. Why do i do these things? People get so upset with me. I cannot handle rejection. I cannot handle confrontation. I cannot handle lack of attention.

I am always looking for ways to prove myself. R told me that he is going his way in his life. Earlier i would pester him. I dont have any words now to tell him anything (crying). All i know is i love him very very much. I am stupid and i mess things up. But he wont love me anymore.

I cling to people and i have this worthlessness feeling. He used to help me handle it, now he is gone. He wont be readign my blog or calling me up, (crying)

I dont have anybody in this world now (crying)

Yesterday inspite of the fact that i was so sick and ill adn could barely walk, i went for a movie from 9:30-12:30 am in the mid night. I could not control my thoughts from going to R and i was in such a shock. I thought if i dont divert it my blood pressure will go down and i will die. But if that happens, R will feel it is another game plan by me to get his attention. Even my dying is motivated by a need for attention. He is right. I am a mess.

I am going to work now. Maybe i will just drown myself in work.

I will just let this be now. My best friend in this world the person who i love is gone, i have fucked it all up.

I am lost

I wont write anymore. I made a mess of my life. I have this huge need for attention and approval.

I wrote things about R in a forum and he read the mail. He is upset with me.

No matter how intelligent i sound i am a mess in my head. I love him so much. I cannot handle it if he is upset with me.

The whole issue has been mis understood and i cannot explain anything to anybody.

I cannot stop crying. Today i almost died in the hospital with my blood pressure touching 70/--.

I lost my friend R. My best frieend.

I wont write anymore here. I wont be reading this blog or any mails anymore.

I just need a break!

I am feeling like a loser now

anu

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Hahahaha

If laughter is ever the best medicine, i shall considered myself cured of all kidney problems today. I had not been yahooing (not visibily but invisiblily) for last two days. Normally at least once a day i speak to R. R is my best friend an american citizen living in Mahattan. It was two whole days since i have spoken to him. I missed him but i thought i shall not give in into any temptations to call him rather indulge in some self love (i am not talking about masturbation). So i read, wrote poems, saw movies and updated my blog. Today still in the invisible mode in yahoo i saw four mails from R about his budgets. I ran through the figures and mailed the budgets back to him, and pop i get a message on yahoo from him. He knew i was online.

And then we had the most hilarious conversation of the century. I dont know if this will be funny for you because when i told my sister about this conversation she said making strange faces, both R and I are weird and she cant find any humor in this. Certain words used here are in hindi (language in India - i have their interpretations in italics in english - hope that helps hohohaha)

But i cannot stop laughing and if you felt like laughing, leave me a comment pleaseeee...

R: oye dogless - come out of there
Anu: aree
Anu: haha
Anu: laughing here
Anu: so hard
R: why are you hiding? another trick kya? (kya -what / is this)
R: nut
R: i swear
Anu: no yaar some stupid people keep pming me (yaar - friend)
R: every week you have a new trick up your sleeve
Anu: so i went invisible
R: yea right
Anu: btw if being invisible is hiding, you are permanently in hiding
R: hiding behind the tree and throwing stones
Anu: haha
R: i could see the emails popping up
R: and knew you were here
R: nut
Anu: laughing here
Anu: still
R: you cannot justify this by quoting what i do
Anu: laughing still
R: so dont even try your "btw" nonsense on me
Anu: btw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btwbtw btw btw
R: lol
Anu: what do i know you will be sitting here like an owl in the middle of the night
R: i know you've been up to no good for a while now
R: in one of your moods
Anu: laughing here
Anu: cheeks hurting lauhging
R: every few months you do this
Anu: in splits here
R: shaking head
R: you disappear - with this 'oh i dont need anyone in my life, it's okay - i just need to love myself - stuff
Anu: haha
R: then suddenly i hear this lil voice from the river yelling "helllllllp!":
Anu: haha
Anu: laughing so loud here
R: and i go - okay she's out in the open again - a crocodile must have scared her from behind that tree
Anu: haha
Anu: how do you know me so well
R: at some point you realize - neither of us can fool the other
R: it's impossible
Anu: haha
R: but that will not stop you from trying
R: nut
Anu: haha again
Anu: but why you typed this: R: oye dogless - come out of there
Anu: i cannot get over the shock igot
R: because i knew exactly what you were up to yaar
Anu: i almost turned around to see if you were standign here right behind me
R: i could see you, feel you, sense you and even hear you breathe
Anu: haha i believe that now : putting down all my arms : silly grin here
R: i read you blog today and knew exactly what you were up to
R: i mumbled to myself and went back to work
Anu: about what you read
R: see?
R: now she's all curious
Anu: yea tell me
R: comes out from behind the tree
Anu: i never know when you read my blog
Anu: you never leave any comments
Anu: haha
Anu: @coming behind the tree
R: she says "so so tell me what .. did you like it? what did you feel? huh huh? tell no .. oye tell tell fast"
Anu: haha
Anu: yu r making me cry here in laughter
Anu: i could post this conversation next on the blog
R: i know you like i know myself baba (baba - sweet baby)
Anu: i accept defeat baby haha
R: i can sense the smallest change in you - and i know why it's happening
R: no defeat
R: it's adorable - and nutty
Anu: haha
Anu: @nutty
R: and i go on with my work in the forest
Anu: yes i agree by now your room must be looking like one
R: while you trail me and hide in bushes and climb trees - leaving notes for me to find - but pretending you are not around
R: nut
Anu: haha
Anu: luaghing here again so hard
R: letting me know that you have met lovely men
R: and had fabulously enlightening conversations with bakers and your rikshaw driver (refer archives)
Anu: haha
R: and have found the meaning of life
Anu: laughign here again
R: and i nod and go on with my work
Anu: haha
R: till you make so much noise behind your tree - and till i miss you and yell - oye, come out of there now
Anu: haha
Anu: laughing os har d dhere
Anu: @noise behind my tree
Anu: hahaha
R: kahali peeli yaar tension banata tum - jhad ke peeche (means simply giving me tension from behind the tree)
Anu: haha
Anu: what a funny interpretation u hav emade
Anu: so damn purfect
R: bap ka forest hai kya? (is this your dad's forest)
Anu: hhaan bilkul (yup absolutely)
Anu: haha
Anu: dont worry tumko wages milega (dont worry you will get wages)
R: now remember to run home for dinner before it gets dark
R: or i
R: ll
Anu: wat
R: have to come and rescue you from that tree
Anu: haha
Anu: lagughing here
Anu: i hope i can climb down now
Anu: i have climbed to high too fast
R: it's okay. even the tree is used to you, and will bend low for you
R: they all know your tricks
Anu: haha
Anu: laughig here again
Anu: ever thught of writing a comedy story , i could be your main protogonist in it
R: even the tigers have to pretend to be fierce when you are around
Anu: haha
R: so the drama can be maintained
Anu: what do u mean they also are laughing or wht
R: they go home saying "that anu kid was at it again today. and i had to roar and so she could convince everyone that she bravely escaped the tiger. "
Anu: whenever i think i am doing some serious work on myself, why do i end up like a clown like this
Anu: haha
Anu: luaginggggggg
Anu: hahahahhaha
Anu: @that bal kid
R: the snake has to hiss loudly - and lose his sleep
Anu: hahahaha
Anu: crying in laughter
R: and lightening has to strike inches from your feet - abandoning all the other storms - so the anu kid can run back to the village and declare how she fought nature - and won
Anu: hahahahaha
Anu: @the anu kid
R: you're a kid baba
Anu: you are no less okay : you are just a bigger kid thats all
R: and all of nature stops and plays - when you call. except you tell everyone they were attacking you -a nd you bravely repelled them all. and they allow this - because they love you
R: nut you are
Anu: hahaha gosh you know me better than myself
R: no i do not - so dont take me into that swamp now. it's time we went home
Anu: okay good come lets go home then
Anu: you could have done this before
R: or your parents will grumble at me
Anu: i had to climb so many trees
R: and you'll say "yes i was on my way home when he and the tiger and the snake and the lightening attacked me"
Anu: and make soo many coooing sounds
Anu: hahahaha
Anu: you think i live in another world of my own?
R: every time i hear some story about how i ignored you, or made you lose your way - i go "huh?"
Anu: when did i do that
R: then i realize - she is bored and is up to some drama - it will pass
Anu: hahaha
Anu: you sound like the great saying
Anu: during adversities
Anu: "oh this too shall pass"
R: well it does
R: okay so what are you going to be doing next?
R: another huge discovery kya?
Anu: i dont know
Anu: i wrote two new poems
R: you'll find the local water fall and run around saying the whole village is going to be flooded for 40 days and 40 nights?
Anu: hahahaha
Anu: i am not so panici
Anu: just a lil here and there
R: of course you are not
R: you just panic the others
Anu: hahahaha
Anu: i dont mean to at all
R: you'll throw one stone in that water - and convince the baker's son that you rescued the world from a terrible flood
Anu: hahahaha
R: and he will go tell the mochi's (cobbler's) son and the jamedar's (village cheiftan's) daughter and you'll be a heroine for that day
R: then next morning you'll wake up with a new prank up your sleeve
R: god help us all
R: and they all sit on the edge of the river - gritting their teeth, mouths agape - going "wah yaar .. kya ladki!!" (wow what a fabulous girl)
Anu: hahahaha i am so innocent at heart
Anu: hahaha
R: and i have to smile at all of them and go "haan haan" (yes yes)
R: and carry on with my work
Anu: hahahaha
R: till you get bored of them and start throwing pebbles at me
Anu: hahahaha
R: pretending you are nowhere around
Anu: hahahaha
Anu: you knew kya ?
Anu: all the while?
R: firing off emails from your hiding place
Anu: hahahaha
R: of course i knew
Anu: laughing so hard here
Anu: @hiding place
Anu: you are always hiding only
R: no
Anu: i was just like you for two days
R: when you want me i am here
R: but with you it was a plan
R: and i knew it too
Anu: how do i know you want me
Anu: you never leave any offliners for me
R: but you could not resist
R: had to come and throw those pebbles
Anu: i come here every one hour to check
R: lol
R: you know be by now
R: and you know i am stressed
Anu: yea i do
R: i have four days left baba
Anu: that you are always
R: i am a bit scared is all
Anu: i am here no for moral support
R: four days and i leave all that i have here
Anu: and even physical if you need
R: where are you? behind which rock and under which waterfall? nut
Anu: i am always watching over you
Anu: if you need me and i feel that
R: i know that
Anu: i will appear "puuuuufffffff"
R: but you're like a monkey watching me
Anu: monkey?
R: yes they cannot be seen
Anu: oh i am visible monkey now
R: they suddenly appear
R: and either steal bananas
R: or they get up to some mischief
Anu: hahahaha
R: and they hate to be taken for granted
R: it really bugs them
Anu: so you missed me kya
Anu: you know everything
R: why do you think i spend so much on phone calls?
R: hmmm?
Anu: all this while you knew it all
R: to discuss the weather?
Anu: and must have been secretly laughing at me
Anu: while i thought i was so intelligent
R: i know exactly what you are up to, when and why
R: the only time i was thrown was when pinaki (my boss) called
R: and that event triggered your new hiding drama
R: and when you began to hide i knew exactly what you were up to
Anu: hey
Anu: i didnt do any drama i ws just trying to work on myself
Anu: and develop some self love
R: you need lots of attention and it will pull you out of that dark place for now
R: one day you will not need it
Anu: yea i hope so
R: so has the self love work worked?
Anu: i wrote two poems
Anu: thats all
R: yes i read them
R: but - has the work worked?
Anu: i dont know yet
Anu: i cant figure any change
R: you wrote to me to tell me my email was blank
Anu: so far
Anu: yea it had no attachment
Anu: then when i read your next mail i found it
Anu: hyahahaha
Anu: @email was blank
R: anu says in her mail to me after reveiwing my budgets: Oh eh, books you will read / music you will listen to only in Jan 06 for the entire year. Since you have budgeted the expense only in Jan 06.
Anu: lololol
R: see?
Anu: haha
Anu: see you only budgeted it like that
Anu: good u did not say you will eat for the entire year
Anu: in Jan 06
R: here anu goes again on my budget review - her expert comments "I especially liked the dogwalker expense head Maybe you can have a slave under you and take her for a walk."
R: this from a chartered accountant who hides behind trees and throws pebbles
Anu: see the shatterred accountant who throws pebbles from behind the tree makes sense listen to her financial advise haha

I still cannot stop laughing...if you are thinking i am a weird nut...i probably am...hohohohohahahahahahahehehe

a little magic into it

Michael and i were discussing about my erotic poems. He loved them and said he writes erotic lyrics and makes them into songs. He went on to say something which i could carry home with me.

He said - "see these lyrics i wrote,i put a little magic into them"

Anu - "what kind of magic"

Michael - "depending on the lyrics and the feeling i put into them. i can make anyone one who reads them feel the same feeling that is intertwined with the lyrics."

I found this fascinating. I find Michael fascinating. He is so very authentic.

Later i read Tree saying "I marvel at the best teachers in my life" about his donuts.

Simple men, simple thoughts but so profound. I never thought what would happen if i add a dash of magic to what ever i do.

Right now i am writing what i am feeling from my heart....sprinkling magic around....i can smell sweet fragrance, feel the warm sun rays on my beautiful brown body and see my soul glowing with light.

Hug

When did you receive your last warm hug?

I just received one right now. It feels so warm and cosy to be hugged. I feel so loved and at ease.
I feel like a teddy bear being loved by a young little girl.

Ever wondered what would be the world, if there were no 'hugs'? Mmm the feeling of the bodies meeting, the souls merging and the exchange of warm positive energy...spreading warmth and love and light.

Early this morning, the birds are chirping and the sun is shining brightly, the children are enjoying their winter holidays and are playing in the garden near my house. I can hear the sounds of the 'dobhi' or the laundry guy who is arranging the ironed clothes for distribution below my house on the seat in the building compound. I stay in the first floor.

Early morning i have received so much love and positive energy. Tree just sent me his fondest wishes saying:
"Anu, I wish I was there to hug you right now.
I sense a very special soul resides in your body, a soul both rare and unique.
Burn bright with life my friend..."

A simple warm hug filled with love can do wonders to brighten your day.
Its been such a long time since i received a hug, i am so thrilled to be hugged again.

I am going to pass this one...a nice warm loving hug filled with positive energy...to you.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Love Part II

Realise this now my dear girl
Before it is too late

Love cares
And imposters in the name of love dont.

Love will visit you for sure
When you are truely ready for it

But first nurture and nourish your soul
And accept yourself on the whole

Learn to love yourself so much
That never again will you let yourself be used

Learn to respect yourself so much
That you will attract those who respect you

Throw away needs for attention and sympathy
You dont need those props
For they make you desperate and needy
And you will attract only frogs

Smile, relax and know this for sure
Its the love you give yourself
Which comes back to you through others

Finally remember forever that
the rule of the game is to
Learn to love yourself first
Before you love another.

Love Part I

There is nothing called True love
Love is either there or no

Love does not ask you to change for him
It accepts you as you are

Love does not make false promises
It does not wear masks either

It does not force you
It does not hurt you

It cannot stand there seeing you cry
It cannot send you off to get nailed

And if you dont feel good about it in your heart
And your body is not comfortable
Then it simply is not love.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Not well

I returned back from work half day. I just could not concentrate on work. I was not keeping well.

I went to dialysis today and my blood pressure dropped to 100/70.

I am feeling very tired and sick.

I dont know what to do.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Too tired to fuck

Something is wrong with me since yesterday. I dont know what happened after dialysis.

I am feeling very tired.

I am too tired to fuck myself...can you imagine?

I have loads of work to do tommorrow, and i cannot help feeling so lousy and lethargic. Thats just not me.

But the truth is, i feel as if i am sinking. I've never felt like that before. Like sinking into a deep deep sleep.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Poems written with a leaking puss: Dinner tonight

Soaking my panties wet
I sit here like a horny bitch
Thinking about him, my fuck master

I want to do him in private
I want to do him in public
I want everyone watching us
And rubbing their dicks

Sitting under his genitals
I seperate his inner thighs
And look up from in between his legs

Seeing the crumpled skin
Joining his cock and balls
Feeling his cum filled balls
Taking his hot iron rod in my hands

Rubbing my leaking pussy on his legs
Bringing my tongue out full of saliva
To lick his cock like an ice cream
I go Slurp Slurp here..

Looking into his eyes
I see him crushing my tities
and mutterring to me what a bitch i am

His abuses turn me on
He asks me how many guys i fucked
I look into his eyes and reveal my secrets

Slapping my ass
Slapping my ass
he pulls me by my hair
and forces his cock in my mouth

I choke and suck and lick
He pulls my nipples and sucks my tits
I feel him heating up
fucking my mouth

I am his slut
His fuckwhore
His nasty little bitch

He cums on my mouth
shoots it all over my face
and forces me to lap it all up

Nice dinner i had tonight
the white hot juice tasted just good
After all the chef was so handsome and hot

Monday, November 21, 2005

Day 1: True Dream from Gates of Horn

Yesterday night i had a little difficulty in going to sleep. I had that an embarrassing encounter with Mccoy and jk, where i totally misunderstood their humor as a personal attack and later took refuge under my failed kidneys when they confronted me about it. I was trying to laugh it out, though it almost chocked me. When i closed my eyes to sleep at 2:45 am, i still had the mails, comments haunting me like they were all so real.

If you are wondering whats all this huge fuss about a blog and a few comments? Long ago i realised that every experience is valid and teaches us a LOT, if we care to learn.

I am sensing, i am into many courses recently. And each of my encounters is to teach me something. My time has come to break through and to break free from my limiting beliefs. And hence i can sense the pace of my learning quickening. I am really excited about all this. I can feel that these are very valuable lessons i am learning here.

Okay so coming back to the dream. I kept repeating to myself as i drifted off to sleep:
"I want a true dream from the Gates of Horn to harmonize portions of my self."
Though a part of me felt that was such a forced statement. At that moment, what i really wanted to know was: Why coudnt i see the humor in Mccoy's and jk's comments? And does that take me to the distorted portions of my self? How do i integrate all of this in my experience and learn from it fast, without having to go through the hyper sensitive feelings about it? I would think this and go back to my dream and repeat that sentence in blue again.

I remember waking up numerous times in half sleep-half awake states in the night, to check if i had any true dream from the Gates of Horn. And i had none or thats what i thought at least, becoz when i woke up, i could not catch any threads of dreams i could have been dreaming.

Normally when i wake up, i can remember the fag end of the dream and if i persist and immediately spend a few moments really focussing on it, then i can clearly recollect most of the dream. Sometimes i have also held the dream sequence in my head and drifted in that state while i go physically and use the loo and then go back to sleep. These were times when i was actually enjoying the state or events in dream and i consciously choose to drift in that state for an extended period of time without breaking the dream sequence. This happens mostly during dialysis, when i get most of my deep dreams and the technician or the nurse wakes me up after every one hour to check my blood pressure.

So again, coming back to last night's dreams. I also woke up catching myself still pondering over the issues of last night's moments about the blog and something about my kidneys. And even though i was in half sleep state, i clearly remember i repeated in my mind, that i want a true dream from the Gates of Horn. Which means i was trying to brush aside certain thoughts from my mind. This went on throughout the night, many times.

The alarm rang at 6:30 am. I woke up eagerly to catch myself dreaming a true dream from the Gates of Horn. But i didnt have any at all. Or thats what i thought. The lazy me wanted to sleep some more, so i switched off the alarm. But something in me, woke me up again at 6:45 am and i was up.

Now why didnt i have any true dream?

I have a feeling, i wanted to so catch the dream and make sense out of it, and interpret it, that i never slept throughout the night. Which could be the reason why each time i woke up even though i was sleeping, i was like all alert with my antennas's high up to record any glimpses of my true dream from the Gates of Horn.

Or it could be that: the embarrassing experience of Mccoy's blog, was playing on top of my mind. I wanted to understand the underlying reasons behind it and clear the mess in my head and then with the concerned people. And when i woke up today morning and came to my computer, i read R's comments and that made a lot of sense to me. Next i went to Mccoy's blog and read what he had to say. And i consider that matter closed now and the lesson learnt (hopefully). If you are interested in visiting the Mccoy's blog, it is: platitudesparagons.blogspot.com.

Or thirdly, on a lighter note, the Gates of Horn are so eager to send me off to work so that i reach on time on a Monday morning, that they decided to throw all their efforts into waking me up at early and i can see the tremondous struggle they underwent between 6:30 am and 6:45 am (that was when i switched off my alarm clock, to catch two winks more).

Well, is there a third insight you see in here R? Please throw some light, if and when you have the time and energy. R is writing a book and all i can tell you is it is magical.

Meanwhile, boy am i glad that i am feeling so fresh, upbeat and cheerful today morning. And i am so glad to be alive here and learning. I am beginging to like myself. Anu....mmm....not bad at all!

Okay today night, i shall try the true dream from Gates of Horn again. Meanwhile i shall get on with my waking experiences, now the Gates are urging me to strip nude and run to bath lest all their efforts go waste..hehe :)

First lesson of humor

For all the feelings of dumbness and embarrassment i am going through right now. And having no one to share it with other than type it all out here in my blog, this quote which i just read is giving me some solace.

And maybe i shall repeat this to myself to see the humor in the situations of my day-to-day life henceforth.
Thanks M! I learnt one of my most humorous lessons today in an embarrassing and shocking way.

Since everything is but an apparition
Perfect is being what it is
Having nothing to do with good or bad
acceptance or rejection
One may well burst out in laughter.
- Long Chenpa Ramjanpa

The first lesson here is to NOT take this lesson so seriously and spend all my time whining about it.

Now that should bring a smile onto my face :)
And off i go to bed to dream about the Gates of Horn. :)

Poem written while feeling embarrassed

Am i complex
Am i an emotinal wreck
Am i hyper sensitive
Am i taking life too seriously?

Is simplicity the solution
Is not analysing the crux
Is reading between the lines the truth
Is my head weaving stories and working over-time?

Why couldnt i just relax and let my hair down
Why do i feel the whole world is against me
Why do i want to choose to feel depressed
Why could i not see the humour in M's blog?

I am begining to feel scared of myself
I am begining to wonder how long it will take, to clean up this crap
I am begining to see the shit all around my head
I am begining to see hope that i can clear it all off someday!

Why didnt you see the humor in it?

I am so embarrassed right now. A part of me wanted to call up R to share this with him and lighten it up. He always has a way with words and i could find something to reassure me in his talks that it was not so bad after all. But he is not responding to the offliners i wrote to him on yahoo which means he is busy. So i let him be.

I frequent this one site which is so full of all things which i dont understand and find it too complex. But i like this guy M who writes this stuff. I feel he has some innate abilities. So i wrote comments to him about my feelings.

This is the story:
Anu: Hey M, i liked what you wrote about health.Any specific thoughts on kidneys or their cure.The docs have diagnosed me with Chronic Renal failure and i am on dialysis since last two years.I am working on my mind to cure this.:) lets see how it all works out. Do let me know if you come up with anything interesting.

M: Anu;I hope you have a quick, and complete recovery with your Chronic Renal Failure. Mind power is strong, and it certainly can’t hurt. I have no medical advice to offer. I’m not a doctor, but sometimes I play one in my blog. I’ll respond to your other comments here as well. JK has his own blog, I highly recommed it, as it’s one of my favorites. As for my abilities, I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about. I’m just a weirdo. Strange things happen around me. It’s really not an ability, it’s a condition.Please, by all means, frequent my blog. I’m glad you like it.One last thing - Is Anu your real name? I don’t know if you’ve read any Z Sitchin, but it’s an interesting name to say the least.

A: Thanks for responding Mccoy.I don't think you are a weirdo, i feel you connect with yourself deeply.BYW, i like your paintings. They have an aura of their own and they are so original and creative.Thanks for your recommendation, i will frequent jk's blog too.Yes, anu is my real name. What is a Z Stichin? maybe i will google it :)

jk: The comments by anu are even more "cryptic" than this shit called "Luciferin" you've stumbled upon. Lucfiferin? WTF?I am thinking some sort of a Turing algorithm or bot here. Becuase I cannot, for the life of me fathom what is happening, and why anu is asking you for hints on what he should do about his renal failure. Brave new world indeed.

M: What? So from what I just looked up, you’re saying Anu could be an interactive quantum algorithm? Does this have anything to do with your thought experiments?Hey Anu, are you an algorithm? And are you geographically situated in, or around Bombay? I hear that’s where the quantum chaos servers are all set up (great tech support in India).

jk:Well posed question to "anu" McCoy. But I am afraid this only deepens the mystery should anu respond. Or perhaps doesn't.I guess I am only saying that there are spam bots everyday which get past my filters even though I train the algorithms of spam detection to work for me.So for instance, as if there were any other instance to talk about, "anu" bringing up "renal failure" and what you may or may not know about it stems from one of these three possibilities as far as I see it:A) Anu is serious about his need for your help and thus, obviously did not read the post as his question has nothing to do with the subject matter.B) Anu is a trickster or troll. This being probably the most paranoid of all possible explanations.C) Anu is a bot that culls the web for info and tries out what it has learned.And really there should be a "D" in this too. This could be anything. I'm in no state to say. However, I do believe, anything is possible. And this, like everything else, makes perfectly no sense.And uhhhh, now I feel like my brain is about to 'splode.

jk: he more I think about it, the more I chalk it up to the blindness of this medium. In the same way it is said that sarcasm cannot be done on a thread forum, I suppose the same applies here. Nor can broken conventions in syntax, vocab or "netiquette" be done either. You're right about the thought experiment thing though McCoy. I can't seem to be able to get my mind off of what AI portends. It's everywhere now. No offense to Anu or the "AI" meant. It's just, I can't tell. I can merely assume. I get off the cuff comments like this myself. I usually zap 'em with my own personal algorithims. Then I automate the algorithms so I don't have to worry my pretty little mind over them. And then, I wind up going through the spam trap to see what my defensive AI missed. It does miss from time to time. As do I.Everything, in other words, is complexifying to overcome the built in, embedded natural defenses. For I already rely on software to make it so that I do not have to see or experience what other software has produced. For some reason, I see this method as going nowhere fast.

M: I’m not at all concerned what Anu (or yourself for that matter) may or may not be, or what the intent is. I’m saying “Yes, by all means come into my realm, I’ll take whatever you have to offer”. I’m an omnivore. I’m going to take whatever momentum you have, amplify it, and recycle it. Thank you for your time and energy, I will find a way to capitalize on it. That’s not to say I’m keen on exploitation, but I am very much about symbiosis.You can spend a lot of energy resisting things JK, but as they say - Resistance is futile! Are you serious about having personal algorithms and defensive AI implemented for your site? Jeez, that sounds like a lot of work to prevent off the cuff comments that so many people seem to enjoy.Hey, I just thought of something interesting. Following the “as above, so below” line of logic, try looking at humans as a type of AI created to serve the “gods”, and then we got all out of control, started invading their dialogue until they decided to drown the pesky weaving spiders. But, Enki (Prometheus, Jesus, Lucifer, etc..) loved his troublesome little human spiders so much that he saved some, though his bro Enlil, wanted them wiped out completely. Of course Enki and Enlil were Anu’s sons.BTW, I think Anu is a nice lady who’s a bit disconcerted, but thrilled by the attention you’ve given her.

jk:The "defenses" I have for my site and my own computers are just simple spam blockers

M: The spam score stuff blew right over my head. I’m glad I don’t understand it. I use Norton anitspam, and I will not be doing any extrapolations of my own for quite some time. The whole Transhumanism thing (I suppose the “serious games" could be called such) just creeps me out, I want nothing to do with it. I’m glad I didn’t get a computer until I turned 30. I’m happy I didn’t spend my roaring twenties in front of a monitor.Ever deeper into matter - Coagula.

Anu: Hey guys! I am a not a bot and certainly not disconcerted. And i am surprised at the judgements and perceptions you two have been building up sitting in this hole.I have my own blog and i am real. I am a girl in my twenties and living and working in Bombay. I do have a permanent kidney failure and i am on dialysis twice a week. I have not been able to visit you not becoz i am fake or i dont have the courage, but becoz i have to be hospitalised for 14 hours a week and huge needles are put on my arms and a machine acts as my kidney. And the balance days i work, i have been making great presentations and i may be asked by my company to visit LA soon. I draw, paint and write. I have scars on my arms friends, none on my soul and my spirit.I was fascinated by your blog maccoy, so i dared to comment what i really felt. I shared with you my personal details becoz i thought i understood your innate abilities.I am not fascinated any more. Right now i am feeling hurt reading all this empty shit written about me here.I am much more than a silly bot trying to gain your attention jk. I dont need it jk. I know i am a special girl and i will be forever.

M: Hey Anu;It’s seems the context of our dialogue has completely escaped you. There is nothing here but humor. NO ONE SAID YOU DON’T HAVE COURAGE, NOR WAS SUCH INSINUATED. I think your special. I think everyone’s special. No one judged you, we don’t know you.I said: “I think Anu is a nice lady”So JK was speculating about you being a bot. I’m really surprised you didn’t find this hysterical, and even play it up. Why didn’t you think that was funny?I’m sorry you felt the need to turn our light-hearted shenanigans into a personal attack. It’s all in your head. I think you’ve made your own judgments an perceptions here.All the best.

Anu: Nice qs: "Why didnt i think that was funny?" That hit me.Probably becoz i have actually undergone a lot of verbal abuse and criticism . That resulted in a lack of self confidence, self love and a feeling of worthlessness. Which is the reason for my kidney failure.I am still undoing all of this Mccoy. And I am shocked at the way i can interpret things and my beliefs.I could not see the humour at all.Gosh! i have no idea where to begin to clear all this mess.

I have simply messed it all up havent i? Why am i so hyper sensitive. I think i have an emotional sickness.
Why could i not see the humor in it? I am so embarrassed. I want to cover my face up and vanish.

Can you see the humor in it? I will like to invite comments on this post. I think i need help!!!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Gates of Horn

Seth talks about two gates: Gates of Horn and Gates of Ivory. The dreams which come from the Gates of Horn are supposed to be true and the dreams which come from the gates of Ivory are supposed to be false / deceptive.

Tonight i am going to ask myself to have a true dream from the Gates of Horn that will help in harmonizing portions of my being. Then i will try and interpret the dream and take it from there.

I don't know what it means yet. Except that this is an ancient suggestion given by the Eygptians.

Reminding myself

I want to work my way to cure my kidneys and be out of dialysis.

I read something very reassuring today. I am posting this in my blog so that i can read it again and again easily.

A physical ailment that is visible (that is, on the "outside") is an issue that is being bravely faced and acknowledged by the ego .... and that ailments that are "hidden" or insidious in nature, and not obvious in appearance, are issues that the ego is not willing or ready to face as yet. - Seth

U will heal when you want to heal. Really want to. Ask yourself what you would have to give up to be healed, what it does for you to be sick. You'd be surprised at the answers if you're honest with yourself. I did the same thing and it turned out to be a desire to get my husband's attention, a desire to get anyones' attention, a desire to be nurtured instead of always being the nurturer (is that a word?), etc. I could go on, but you get the drift.- Lea

All illness is "energy based" - Seth / Abe

Seth advises us to beat up a pillow to get our pent-up frustations out, and I've done that and it works great.I beat it til I was tired, and the next day I had whole new attitude towards that person, who was, quite emotionally distured, actually. - Rick

This means that whatever the emotional problem, it's on its way out ~ out of your body and out of your life. You might help it along a little by seeing yourself in the stage of completion, as opposed to the idea of continuing to suffer it. Meanwhile, don't watch the film, "Alien." - swift

I'm sure this is a sign that your Entity or Soul is working with "you" towards a solution - Hayley

The above were written to different people who are sufferring from physical sicknesses.
And there are other things which R keeps writng and telling me. I will ask him to post it directly as his post.

poetry carnival with my fuck hole

There is a poetry carnival going on somewhere
I was wondering should i send my poem "fuck hole" to them?

Will they be offended
and label me as a dirty little slut

When everyone surely knows that
every woman does have a fuck hole
and every man a pounding iron rod to fuck that hole

Then why can't i enter the poetry carnival
with my very own original fuck hole.

fuck hole

I have a pussy fleshy and tight
This is my clit and that is my fuck hole

When the body is boiling
the pussy leaks out white juice

And screams for a nice dick
to pound it just right!

the butterfly effects

Yesterday i saw a movie "The butterfly effects". And i was totally stunned by it. The main protogonist was a guy X, who is a psychology student in cambridge university. He reads a theory about going into the past and changing what you don't like about it. As he ponders over the theory, and what he would like to change in his past, he is reminded of some incidents in his childhood which has shaped him and a few of his best friends (esp Jenny, his childhood sweetheart) into what they are "Now".

He recollects some horrific incidents -like his best friend killing a dog, Jenny's father into child porn, the kids blowing up a woman and her child and the such.He tries to get in touch with his friends and finds that his best friend is mentally challenged, Jenny is working in bar, her brother is drunk. He then tries to go back into the past to change some events. Each time he changes one event, an whole new probability happens. In one probability, he rescues jenny from his father, but the bro is still with the father so he and jenny have a good life and eventually bro comes hunting for them. In another one, Jenny is a prostitute. In a third, the best friend never kills the dog. The fourth, X jumps to save the woman from the blast but he loses his arms and jenny loves his best friend, in the fifth he kills jenny's bro and goes to jail... and so on.

The movie ended by he getting confused and finally coming back to his very own life - student in the cambridge university studying psychology.

Now what fascinated we was that he actually jumped probabilities and went back in the past and changed it. But his beliefs were the same, so he created challenges in each probability and when he was stuck with them, he jumped probabilities, went into the past and tried another combination.

All these probabilities existed at the same time. And all the people knew him the moment he intersected with another "X" in another probability. They did not know his past but they knew him as per the role he was playing in their lives in that particular probability.

That led me to thinking: Seth says: we create our own reality and we can recreate our present, past and future and there r countless probabilities running live alongside the one in which we are right now.

R and I discussed this and we reached the following conclusions:

Imagine, if we actually did jump probabilities, or we could actually "create" whatever we want in split seconds in our life. We would jump into different lives. But if we have not done our belief work yet, we may be lost like X and keep creating the same confusions like X did.

This made me realise the immense importance of our learnings and our internship in this physical reality. Before we move into other dimensions where our thoughts can create the reality we want. If our thoughts were to create our reality instantly here, what a chaos it would be, if we are not ready for it. This minute i am thinking of new york city and i would be there, then i would be jumping off a cliff, then maybe belly dancing in brazil to marooned in an unknown island to a prisinor in Iraq.

I am realising the tremendous importance of "being here" and learning my lessons here. Its all very well to say: i want to create my reality every moment, but if the homework is not done and thoughts were to manifest into physcial reality the moment the thoughts cross the mind, i may be in utter chaos and lost if i don't have 'control' over my thoughts.

I am really begining to appreciate the phase i am in for what it is worth. Rather than waiting for the boat to cross the river to reach the other side. What we are learning is so so relevant and important for the next level, now its begining to make a lot of sense to me.

Friday, November 18, 2005

India emerging - This post has been written and posted by R - a friend & budding writer - Enjoy reading it


There’s something about “popular” Indians that defies description. They look like they mean what they say, and they say it like they mean it. But you discover that they don’t. You can’t really prove it, and even if you could, who would care?

India is assimilating the trendiest icons of the West. The icons are borrowed, and it shows. Here in the West, icons emerged from the core of the people, their lives, their hopes and their despairs. India has yet to trust her own hopes and despairs. When she does, she will thrust her icons onto billboards and onto the bodies of her people. When will this happen? I do not know.

Right now, money’s flowing in from the West, and being Western is the name of the game. So you’ve got office workers dressed in club clothes, wearing shades in dark restaurants, deliberately ignoring anyone whose jeans are not flared.

The very young kids seem more real. Either because they are too young to be cool, or because they are too real. I hope they remain real.

India had generations that were slaves to the West, followed by generations that hated the West, followed by generations that are becoming the worst of the west. Now call-centered kids talk Texan, eat pizza and rake in the bucks. They are landing the juicy jobs, and they’ll be “the thing to be” for the un-call-centered folks who still speak in broken English and buy generic clothes from the local bazaar.

Fortunately, India’s trendsetters sit atop a mountain of everyday Indians, whose lives don’t make the MTV cut. I find myself drawn into their eyes, drawn into worlds that my words cannot touch. May they save their India for different tomorrow.

Even so, there’s hope in the air, and money to be made, and the nation is abuzz with expectations. It happened in Japan, and now the Japanese wear suits and skirts and sing Elvis songs in karaoke bars, and soon the Chinese will follow. Somewhere under the Benettons lurk ancient Asian souls, not trusting the past, half sure about the present, and coy about the future.

It’s not a bad way to be, if their newborns should arrive with visions yet unborn. Into Asia’s iconic void, they could sow the seeds of tomorrow, brought forth from worlds beyond our graves. Perhaps the plan is larger than I can fathom.

Perhaps the plan is to be lost, so that we can stumble into who we are. And we can find our way home.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I admit

I admit defeat to my feelings
I admit that i fell in love
I admit i am vulnerable to the people i love
I admit i am tough with those who love me
as i know they love me too much to retaliate.

I admit that i lose control
I admit that i cry
I admit that i put on a brave face
though i am trembling inside at times.

I admit that i love wild sex
I admit that i masturbate
I admit that i fantazise a lot
though i have not yet done it in real.

I admit that i want to reach to the sky
I admit that i want to win over the world
I admit that i want to be famous and rich
though i know that at heart i am all this and much more.

I admit that i was real when i thanked everyone for contributing to my life
I admit that i was embarrassed to thank some people who loved me
I admit that i eagerly thanked some others who i really loved
though all they responded back is just nothing more than an "okay"!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

sitting on my window sill

I am sitting alone here on my window sill
as i look out i see the trees swaying in the garden outside my house
I go back in time and remember that i used to sit in this very place
and dream about the man of my dreams a knight
those were the times not too long...just three years ago
when my parents were the world for me
though my mom would beat me and verbally abuse me sometimes
and my dad never interfered in all of this
yet i loved my parents and my parents and my sister were my world
and i was waiting with bated breath for that knight
who would appear in my life
and treat me like a princess

Today in just three years my whole life has changed
Can just three years change your life?
I fell in love with a knight
I see glimpses of him when there is light in the moon light
The knight taught me about horses and lights and life
And since then i have never remained the same again
During one such lessons i lost my kidneys
I am still searching for them around the pebbles and ripples
I also lost the connection i had with my parents and relatives
And my knight in shining armour dissapeared in the night
He went on his journey and i am on my own again

I am sitting again at the same window sill
Wondering what i will be thinking three years hence
I have lost connection with all and sundry in this three years
The only connection i am working on is with Me
I dont know whether i will ever find myself again
Not that i found myself ever before
Maybe i do , maybe i don't
I will keep looking out for me.

We can all do with new lives

Right now R is showing me his old album pictures. He has returned from LA. He met his ex-wife and daughter. He adores his daughter and she means the world for him. His ex-wife has been lying about R in front of his daughter and his daughter C was confused and behaving coldly with R. One night this week, R called up from LA and we spoke about what's happenning in his life. He sounded so sad that C was acting tough with him. Knowing R for over two years now, i know if there is one person he really really loves and would give his life for in this world- it is C, his daughter.

As we were talking, R confessed that he was feeling so lonely and tired and unhappy. But he said that inspite all of what's happenning, he is going to continue with his life. Today the only person in the world he is crazy about is C. And what happens if C disowns him or acts cold with him? R said he would be sad but he wont crumble like a pack of cards. He will go on. Its upto C to believe or not. If she chooses to believe her mom becoz she stays with her and is groomed and conditioned to think like that, so be it. Some day she may know that her father is safe to be with and a nice man afterall. Even if that day does not come, its alright. Its time i stop convincing people about what they think about me and continue with my journey.

Then he said something really profound which touched me and taught me one of the greatest lessons i have ever learnt. "We keep saying all the while we create our own reality. Its all very well to say that when things are going right. What happens when things go wrong? We become victims to the situation and blame the people around and refuse to take responsibility for our own lives. I am not doing that. I created this reality for my own reasons and its time i face it and change it. I will flow with whats happening. If they all choose to mis-understand me, i am not going to stop and argue, i will continue to work on myself and create a new life for me...far from all these misunderstandings and fuck ups." said the 57 year young R to me.

Here is a man, who is going to start his life all over again...for the nth time. He has no savings and no real family. Yet he is coming to India next month with all the investor's money to make buildings for people to live in. He has nothing of his own right now, truely speaking other than a hand full of girl friends who adore him and love him, nothing at all (yes, i am one of them). And if you ask me why i still love him? Its becoz of this spirit of his. Something about the way he handles himself in certain situations...the energy, the yearning to keep learning, the ability to be alone, the something something which i see in him which i don't see in many many others around.

I adore and admire this man who gets younger and younger day by day in my eyes.

Today R showed me his pics in his early 40s. God i was shocked at how amazing he looked. He looked absolutely stunningly handsome. In one pic, i saw C standing in his coat and boots..she looked as if she wanted to say that she was proud to be in Daddy's coat and boots. I had tears in my eyes as i saw that pic and thought of what happenend in LA with R. At that time R said this, "those were the happy times". I suddenly had this rush of emotions in my heart and began to see R in a new light. Not as someone who i had a torrid affair with and ...(you know right what all happened by now).

I saw him as another soul in its own journey, wading through the deep oceans, swiming with the sharks at the risk of being eaten alive. I saw the things he gave up in life and the people for whom he sacrificed and repented later. I saw the things which made him what he is. I saw him through the toughness with which he treats me. I saw him through the irritation and grumbling. I saw through his wrinkled nose the young handsome man with dreams in his eyes. He had something then which he still has now: dreams in his eyes and a fire in his belly. I suddenly realised that has not changed. The sparkle in his eyes, the spring on his every step and the warm smile is still there. The charisma which makes so many women go weak in their knees is still there.

I saw him not as R someone who i fell in love with, but as R an individual apart from me...standing in his own right. I distanced him away from me. I felt such a deep sense of love at that time for this soul, which has undergone so much (there is so much to him, some day i will tell you that). I did not see what i could have done with R or what i could have got out of him. I saw him as just another person trying to defy age and the laws of this physical reality. Someone who still has the "will to live" and "to create and to dance in joy". Someone who thought his dreams will be fullfilled with me.Someone who had hopes in his eyes thinking i would be the one with whom he would spend the last days of his life with. (crying)

I dont know whether i am crying for him or for me...

I hope he does well in his life for sure. As long as i am true to myself in all my feelings and expressions, i know i will be well taken care by my entity and i will be fine. I told him this at the end of our conversation:

A: seeing how you are now. and how you handled yourself in LA, i really like the "new you". in comparison to many yous i have seen over the past two years. so i have no doubt a lot of magic is awaiting for you to unfold.

R: i think i will try to make a new life now. that time has come.

A: good luck

R: thanks - and the same to you

A: welcom and thank you

R:
we can all do with new lives :)

Monday, November 14, 2005

Poem by me

This is the second original poem written by me.
the first was a love poem when i first fell in love with siddharth (R).

Poem:

If you want to be a star
You must climb to the sky
Even if the steps seem invisible.

Edgar and my rick driver

Today i was to deliver some papers to R's sister Joan. So my sis and i went to meet this old couple. They were apparently harrassed by an accountant who robbed them off their savings. These papers were the only proof and they wanted it very badly.

Joan told me her building had a yellow gate..and that was the perfect landmark to find her place. My sis and i walked towards the entrance of the building.There was a lady directing a family towards the lift and helping them as they had kids. My sis and i decided to take the stairs as it was so crowded near the lift.Then the security guard ran after us screaming "Ayeeeeeee, kidhar jatai?" (means "ohhhhh there where r u going?). I looked at him and said "Flat no 9". I was wondering, do we look like terrorists or sales girls to him? Then i decided that he is just doing his job. They all screamed to a the lady there that i am going to her flat. The lady was interesting looking. I actually liked the way she looked.

She saw me and said "Are you Anu?" I said yes and went down the stairs. She hugged me tight and looked at me from up to down. She was really looking at me very intently.Then she said she will take me to her flat and introduced herself as Joan. When we reached her flat she looked at me again and asked me "Are YOU the one on dialysis?" and i said "yea". Then she said "Hows your health?" I said "its good" She then said "No one will ever guess that you could be on dialysis."

Joan was very upset that her house was being painted and hence it was messy. As we entered, we saw an handsome old man with a perfect body coming out from the bedroom. Something about him that i was immediately drawn towards him. Joan introduced me and my sis to him. I recognised him as Edgar (thanks to R's descriptions:-) ). He looked up at us with the most mischevious and sparkling eyes i have ever seen. (The only other person who has such beautiful eyes is R ;-) himself). Edgar then gave us a warm welcoming smile. We sat at the coffee table the four of us. Joan brought something to eat for us. My sis gave her the apples we purchased for them.

Joan then told us things about herself and all the things she did. Her conversations were pretty much like what R had told me. She had this little girl in her who had so much to say and who wanted to be the center of attention. Kinda sweet. The sweetest person there was her husband - Edgar. He was pulling her leg all the while saying "she was known as Indira Gandhi", when Joan was proudly telling us her victorious stories. She would look at him and warn him not to be sarcastic towards her and he would laugh like a teenager in love. My sis and i really loved Edgar.

Something about that old old man. It was so easy to talk to him.Such a feeling of warmth we felt around him. He had this mischief in his eyes. And his smile was so wide and clean and from this heart. He was always pulling his wife's leg. He had some witty super humerous remark at the end of every story Joan said so seriously. It was so hilarious, my sis and i were in splits. And while Joan was talking about how she made a difference in so many lives, Edgar would give her a strange look with this little twinkle in his eyes and when Joan would look at him, he would nodd nonchanlently and say "oh yes yes i am listening" and wink at us.

Something so lovely about this old old man who has a son who is 40. (Just to give you an idea as to how old he is). Yet there was such an amazing feeling while he was around. It was so easy to be with him. This couple has an high profile son and an amazing brother (R - Joan's bro). While Joan was raving about them, Edgar not once mentioned them. No name dropping - not even of his own son. He just went with the flow. Totally calm and composed.

I really loved Edgar. What more can i say! Though Joan was also really nice and lovely. Joan showed us her entire house and then we were going to leave. We had spent an hour with them. Edgar was joking with me all the while saying "oh anu look how well i take care of my kidneys" he said raising his beer bottle ;-) He reminded me of my grandfather, who i so so so admire. My grandpa would be just like Edgar. He would not indulge in any gossip. He would not pass any judgements. He was not manipulative. He would not make any snide remarks. He had an energy about himself. A glow on his face. I could see all of that in Edgar. I have a huge crush on that old old man...mmmm ;-) i mean it.

When we were leaving, Joan hugged us and so did Edgar. My lil sis never even lets anyone touch her. And i was shocked when i saw her standing behind me waiting to say byebye to Edgar. Edgar said "aah anu, you have got your share and now it is her turn. She has come for her share of hug".

After that we went for an hilarious movie - my sis and I. We offered our rick driver Rs 100 as tip for taking us around all morning. But he would not take it. He just refused blatently...no matter what. He is so poor, he could have easily taken it. Talk about integrity! He said, he wouldnt mind spending the whole day with us and he wont take any tips from me. He said he was touched at the love and affection we gave him and that is more than enough a tip for him.

Surprises never cease. right?

Today we learnt through

the humility,the joy and the spontaneity in Edgar's eyes and the integrity of my rick driver on one hand, and

from the rude remarks of Dipti (at my work place) who refused to let me use the company scanner for scanning company documents and yelled at me from the passage:

that -

"Greatness wears no decorations;
Pettiness too wears no uniform."

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Inspired by simple ordinary souls

This happened on Fri, but generally i am so tired when i get back from work, i cannot type.

After office i went to this beauty parlour. I had lots to do, i was already looking like a bear :( - eyebrows, waxing full hands and legs and underarms and a pedicure. Thats my normal routine. And i am scared to get my eyebrows done. I can tolerate and even enjoy the huge 21" needle pricks on my arms during dialysis but i cannot bear the tweeking of my eyebrows....oooff it hurts so badly i want to cry!

A new girl attended me. Her name is Rukshar. I had to tell her about my kidney problem becoz my left arm has these scars due to needle pricking and 6 stiches (now totally healed) on my wrist where they have stiched my veins together so that i can get the needles pricked. Now when the do waxing on my arms, i need to tell them to be really careful on my left arm as if it bleeds, i will be soon lying in a pool of blood and it wont stop.

So enough of all this. I am sorry if you are feeling like throwing up. I have got so used to it, it does nothing to me now., other than amuse me ;-)

So i told Rukshar to be really careful on my left arm. She was shocked hearing about my kidney problems and this scary treatment called dialysis which i am undergoing, but she recovered fast from it. I look so normal and actually so beautiful that no one can guess in their wildest dreams that i could be going through something like this! So i can understand where she is coming from.

As she did her job, i watched her. She was a pretty young girl in her early twenties with beautiful features and long brownish coloured hair slim and trim. And very focussed in her work. I started a conversation with her to kill time by asking her where she lived. She told me in Juhu - a high profile locality in Mumbai. I figured she must be living on rent. We got talking and she asked me if i was single and i replied in affirmitive. I asked her the same and she was very hesitant. I told her if its personal i understand. She stopped her work and looked into my eyes and told me this which shocked me and i ended up respecting her a LOT at the end of it:

"I am a single mother of a 4 1/2 yr old kid. I am a muslim and I got married when i was 19 yrs. I had no father and my mom was pressurised by relatives to marry me off. Subsequently, my sis-in-law and my younger sis got married in a house to two brothers. My sis was very happy with her husband, but my sis-in-law had serious problems with her husband and his family since the very first day. It grew worse with the daily quarrels and finally the family sent my sis-in-law back home and she was divorced by her husband.

My mom-in-law and my husband were so upset and jealous that my sis was still having a happy married life with the younger bro that they told me to ask my sis to get divorced. They said she cannot be happy if our daughter is unhappy in that house. I disaggred becoz i know my sis is very much loved there and is having a happy married life. I refused to initiate anything of that sort. Then i was told if she does not go back to her home, then you will be sent back home. I still refused to do anything. The family then asked me to cut all ties with my mother and sis. I refused to do that too. So finally my husband divorced me. I went back home with my just born kid.

I stayed with my mom for a while. The family relatives and friends and society started spreading rumours about me that i must have slept with other men or maybe i am not good at bed or maybe i am so stupid and disobedient that "my husband left me". My beauty became my liability when the guys around started making snide remarks at me and making passes at me because in their eyes i am available now. My mom was stressed and i could see it. I had heard that Bombay (Mumbai) is a city where everyone's dreams come true. It is like the New York of America. I decided to move to Bombay. I got a transfer from the hotel i was working in. Fortunately for me, they had a branch in Mumbai.

The only relatives i knew, disregarded me here and refused to even acknowledge me. I stayed at the company flat for a while. But there was one major problem: my company never paid me salary on time. So i started to look out for another job and i came to this parlour "N". I was scared to move becoz now-a-days in even big parlours, they ask us to entertain their customers in a way i dont think it is right, i am not into all that, i just want to do my job and go home to my son who is my world for me.

When i left my company job, i had to vacate the flat too. So i got another flat in juhu on rental basis. The landlord was very kind initially but later when he came to know that i am seperated, he looks at me with dirty eyes and stares at my private body parts. I feel so bad but i cannot say anything rude or he will chuck me out and i wont have a roof then. I just have an empty house right now. My last two month's salary has gone in paying off the deposit and rent which is so huge. I have not eaten a proper meal since two months now. I dont have cooking oil or gas at home. I have just managed to get some drinking water and some bedding so far thats all. I need to buy all the things necessary to make my house into a home soon when i save enough.

I have not made even "khichidi" (a simple dish of rice and pulses) since last two months. My son is in the cresh during the day. There is a nice catholic lady who takes care of him. She teaches him good english. I want to learn good english too. My career will be better if i can speak well right? In the evenings i and my son eat fruits. Its good for health and anyways i dont have money for two square meals a day so this suits me just fine. I am waiting for this month to get over so that i can with my salary buy some cooking gas and oil and make some home made food at least one or twice a week for my son and myself. It seems ages since we have eaten home cooked food."

I asked her if she has a bf.. She said, "oh many guys were interested in my initially. But when they know that i am seperated and have a 4 1/2 year old son, they back off. They dont like me any more. One guy was okay with all of this and i really like him very much too, but he says he will only give me sex and i should keep all of this a secret as he wont want any long term relationship with me ever. So i backed out and we r still friends but only friends. I am fine and am always laughing and joking and today i am really happy ...at least i am free in some ways and working towards some goal. My only dream is to give my son a good education" said the 26 year young girl.

Gosh what a story! I realised i have nothing to grumble about when i see how other people are living their lives. The challenges they have choosen for themselves and the elegance with which they have accepted it. They way they are taking responsibility for themselves without being a victim or blaming anyone.

Such grace, joy and innocence i saw in Rukshar's eyes as she diligently and sincerely did her job. I told her how much she has inspired me. And how many more people she will be inspiring with her life story as i tell my friends at work and all of you about her. The tons of white energy we will send to her and her son. She was touched and she after waxing me clean and doing my eyebrows even massaged my legs and arms and said she will do something for the acne on my face. She suggested i should do a regular clean up so that the pimples dont reoccur and the blackheads go away. I asked her to do the clean up for me. She did such a wonderful job. We both connected so well, she with me for my kidneys and me with her for her life that my face was glowing at the end of the clean up. I was shocked and asked her: "Did you do a simple clean up or a bleach, my face is glowing golden?" She smiled and said "i just cleaned your face up, you had the glow anyways."

She did not charge me for the eyebrows and the massage. I told her i will be back for a head massage and body massage soon. I told his story to Ni and we both have decided that we will buy her something really nice and useful for her home. I wanted to give her money but was embarrassed whether that amount i give would be too less. Together Ni and I can contribute and come up with a better figure. Though Ni herself is in a financial crisis after she moved out of her husband who used to beat her up when he is angry. Thats another story which i will tell you some other time.

I am still having that golden glow on my face. It reminds me of Rukshar. Her beauty, her grace and her elegance.

How amazing that absolutely simple, ordinary people can inspire us in such a deep manner!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Do others really affect my life?

How often are we faced with a predicament "how can he/she/they do this to me?"

A couple of days back, Mr P (immediate boss) informed me that they wanted to get outside consultants to do ERM (Enterprise Wide Risk Management) for the entire company. Presently, i am doing ERM and its my job profile. Suddenly i caught myself starting to feel displaced and insecure. The entire concept and strategy of ERM was devised by me and me alone and now with the automation i felt i will lose importance and probably my present job profile too.

But in of this, there was a difference - I was totally aware of what i was feeling. I was totally conscious of the feelings of probable displacement sneaking in.

Further, Mr P went on to say how he has changed my life. How because of his managerial and leadership i have come out with such a brilliant output which was liked so much by Los Angeles. The truth is: he did give me a peaceful atmosphere to work in (esp. in comparision to my ex-boss who was breathing down my neck). But isn't that the least of what he should offer? That does not mean he should take all the credit for my work I have always been brilliant and i will be brilliant in what i do.period.I was dissapointed when P said this to everyone at work. He wanted to say that he was a great boss.

When things go right in my life, everyone rushes to tell me how much they have contributed and how they have changed my life. But when things go wrong, pooff...they dissapear. They suddenly have no rights or obligations.
They remind me "you create your own reality".

Then there was this woman at work, who was very rude to me when i asked her if i can use her scanner to scan some official documents. All this, despite the fact that her boss had given me permission to use the scanner. When i told the CFO, "i am feeling guilty to use the company scanner for doing company work and that woman is so intimidating", he said this is such a petty issue that he does not want to get involved in this. Mr P thought i messed up the situation by talking about my feelings and said "how could i even feel that?". He almost blamed me for the situation. And planted a fear in me "what would the CFO think of you?"

I was having tears in my eyes and i assumed a victim role thinking "oh god, am i not good enough...all these people are lecturing me, while that woman remains nice and pretty there."

Thinking over all of these incidents, i started to wonder, "Can what anyone feels or thinks affect my life?"

If yes, then we have a huge problem our hands. Because then everyone will be dictating our life and they will be creating our life not us. We will be victims and at the mercy of others who will use us at their whims and fancies. It will be "They create my reality" and not "i create my reality".

If no, then WOW...we would never have to feel "insecure, hurt, jealous or angry at others. Because what they feel will not affect us.

The answer is this beautiful piece written by certain someone (who? i don't know):
Because others cannot vibrate in your experience, they cannot affect the outcome of your experience.
They can hold their opinions, but unless their opinion affects your opinion, their opinion matters not at all.

A million people could be pushing against you and it would not negatively affect you, unless you push back. That million people pushing against you, are affecting their millions of vibrations. They are affecting what happens in their existence. They are affecting their point of attraction, but it does not affect you unless you push against them."


So what does all this mean? It means:
We create our own reality.

No matter what anyone thinks of us.
No matter what they say we are capable of doing or not.
No matter what they perceive us to be.
No matter how many friends we have or how many enemies we have.
No matter anyone loves us or no.

We are, what our core beliefs are.

Is there a judgement day? There is: It happens every moment and "we" are the judge. I get to see my degree of punishment and i get to apply it NOW. The only hell that really exists is: who you really are and what you are allowing yourself to be.

That reminds of this favourite song by Boyzone (which i'm singing now):

No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true

No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know I'll love forever
I know, no matter what

And I will keep you safe and strong
And shelter from the storm
No matter where it's barren
A dream is being born...

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now

Friday, November 11, 2005

I just wanna feel real love

I am not able to sleep, i have got cramps in my legs.

I ate bread-butter again with potatoe chips ....shit this can kill me. Why do i eat such rotton stuff?

I ate it out of desperation. My leg is aching and i am not getting sleep.

But what the fuck! I don't need to feel so bad at all because i don't have a man who loves me enough the way i want him to and who won't hurt me ever.

Because i just remembered my grandmom. She had given me socks to wear if my legs pain and i am putting them on.

I guess that is love. My grandmother loves me and my late grandfather adores me and is crazy about me.

So, there i have two wonderful people in this world, who will never hurt me and will always really love me.

And i know there is this unknown face which i see in the sky, he bends down and kisses my forehead so often...

Its the final countdown

Its 12:30 am and i am sitting here alone and typing..what i don't know.

I heard this song in radio just now-Its the final countdown, we'r leaving together...

I felt something strange as if i am going to die. I may never come back on this earth ever again.

But i am leaving alone:(

I don't have any broad shoulders to rest my head on.
I don't have a pair of strong arms to embrace me tight and rock me.
I don't have eyes which long for me or lips which crave to touch my skin.

Its the final countdown, we'r leaving together...
me and my fantasies

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Enter R

Yesterday i had a lovely day at work with lots of developments.

I was told at work that Los Angels has gone through the SOX documentation which i sent to them and they said "this is a WOW of an effort and its fantastic".

Further they instructed my company CFO to ask me to do a SOX audit of my ex-boss's department asap and report back to them in detail about the risks therin.

I am shocked because i know that i dont know any one in LA to try pull any influence or any such thing. I dont even know anyone in India, for that matter. I just sit quietly in my own littel corner at the far end of the office and do my work, go for dialysis and return back to work the next day.

Now everyone in my company is talking about me and ass (my ex-boss). They are all saying, "oh the problem was never anu, because the new guy who joined under ass ran away in three months, while anu was with him for 3 years and she fought and came out of his cluthes". Mr B who is head of operations also told me this "Anu, rip off his pants now, after all that he did to you, how much he made you cry. I always knew something was wrong there."

Ass always proved to everyone that i am no good at work. Now i guess with the new guy under him putting in his papers and with LA wanting to do an audit on his department, everyone is getting to know the real truth. Boy, am i glad about it!

This seems like some divine justice.

R has been very deeply involved in my office politics. He calls up everyday and asks about the latest developments. He wants me safe always and advises me on how to build strategies and not become a scapegoat at work. Sometimes i wonder, what i would do without him. When you love someone, you are so vulnerable to their comments right? In my long phone conversations with him, he very hesitantly told me his dilemma.

Which is: I have a blog where i pour in my heart. Especially all the things i am angry, afraid and sad about. I am sometimes too elated to record the happy moments as they are so fresh in my mind, i am still playing and replaying it. Further i say i am open and please dont take all these seriously as these are my deep inner feelings at one particular point of time.

R told me as he reads the blog he wants to react because he is a human being and he has feelings and wants to express them. But my constant statements in this blog asking him to not take things personally freeze his hands. He told me yesterday, people will probably want to stone him after all what i have written about him. But there is an other side of the story too - his side. I was in splits when he told me all this, i dont know why*wicked grin*.He said either he wont visit my blog at all or if he does then he wants to at least be able to post his views as comments as they are his reactions to my posts.

I never thought in those angles. Fair enough. I have welcomed him to post what he wants in this blog. I must confess from the time i have started to write all my feelings down and share it with the concerned person, life has become a little less stress free. Because i dont keep playing my grudges again and again in my mind.

Now inspite and despite of all i write and grumble about him, i spend hours talking to him on the phone and he is the only person i have in case i am in a crisis. He helps me make my presentations, write official letters, advises me on crafting strategies at work, listens for hours about my stories at work and i love to listen when he talks.

Today i am going to show my CFO the strategy he has written about the complex situation wherin i am asked to do an audit of the department of my hostile ex-boss. It is an amazing document and this guy has spent hours writing it. I am so excited to show this to NN and i hope he takes it in the right spirit.

Now may i run to bath? I have to reach work on time. More in the evening...you can always expect some hot news here..from me.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Okay i am back and i am not a fake!!!

I feel like some sexist, some one who is trying to lure people to see her blog with a name like "stripped nude".

Everyone would click on it right? I would for sure if i get to see a hard cock and a pair of tities bouncing or a leaking puss!

Maybe all the 135 visits are people who get a hard on and are expecting some naked pics here.

Then i write my stories of masturbation here. For whom or for what purpose....with titles like 'smelly panties' and 'fingering myself'.

R told me my blog has too much sex in it. Why did i feel like shit at that time?

R told me a couple of days ago, i fake and pretend. I know what turns on a person and how to play my cards and i do that. (something like that). Did he read my blog and conclude that about me? Does he think 'oh but she told this to me and now she writes this here...what a fake?'

Plus i have a strange feeling D has visited my blog. If she did then does she think "what the fuck! this girl wrote such a lovely letter to me and now she says all these shitty things about me?"

Why do people mis-understand me? Or they convince me that i have mis-understood them?

I feel both - good and bad, right and wrong, deep unconditional love and a lil jealousy. Why is it that when i feel its wrong and when others feel the same, they easily justify it?

If its so wrong, why the hell do i feel it at all? Now i am begining to feel embarrssed of even what i feel. Can't i even feel what i feel? Isnt it pretension when i feel one thing but dont express it or fake it? D never says anything bad about anyone. Never says anything at all. Neither does R. I am the only one here who is bitching about everyone including myself.

I dont know what to do. I just know this much: Damn !!! i am not a fake.

I am changing the name of my blog into something i dont know. Any ideas on what i should name it?

Maybe end of my blog

I dont feel like writing this blog anymore.

I came here to quietly vent out my feelings and now i feel i am more excited about the number of visitors i have in such a short time and what they feel about my blog and whether they leave comments or no.

The whole purpose of this blog is changing and i DONT want this to be one of my attention seeking adventures.

When i think i am mentally clear i will start writing again.

and i will be back here again or i may start writing another blog.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

my first glass painting


This is my first glass painting.

I want to do many more oil and glass paintings.

One beautiful oil painting got spoiled becoz i did

not take good care of it.

Some day i hope to have an exhibition and invite you all to buy my paintings ;-)

time to finger myself

This is my new fetish.

To announce my feelings here turns me on.

I dont know if anyone reads this at all and i really dont care.

But right now i just took you along with me to where i want to pull my panties down and finger myself

This is how i work myself into it

Now its an uncontrollable feeling where as i am typing i am rubbing my hot pusssssssss on the chair

I am fucked and my toungue is coming out probably wanting to lick your cock

There is a pencil in my asshole which i can see in the mirror and i look like a piece of shit

Its time to spread my legs and watch the real shameless me

Its time to finger my fuckhole and cummmmmmm

pulled a girl's nipples for more than 30sec?

Have you ever pulled a girl's nipples for more than 30 seconds?

I am doing it right now. And watching myself in the mirror.

Its an awesome whorey feeling and i look shit ... disgusting to the core.

I can cum just by pulling my nipples, twisting it around my fingers

and imagining i am feeding a man who is having incestual feelings for me thinking i am his mom

I know what you are thinking right now.

I know i am disgusting whore and a bitch.

And i am getting more and more horny here.

smelly panties

When i leak, my panties smell of the cunt juice.

You know that pungent intoxicating and disgusting smell?

I love watching myself take my panties off. Its so wicked. I have always wished someone is peeping over me while i do that and rubbing his cock nastily.

I then bring my stained panties close to my nose and smell them. It really turns me on.

I would love for someone to jack off on my stained panties, rub his cock and cum on it.

For now i am watching it lie on the floor and the juice staining the floor....thats how much i leak.

writing naked

Have you ever wondered how does it feel writing a blog with a leaking puss or a hard cock?

Right now i am sitting here naked...

with my nipples poping out

my tight puss leaking and contracting and me getting that ticklish feeling

the hair on my pusssssssssssy getting wet with the white thick milk from my pussssssy

and i am writing this blog all horny

.......aaaaaaaaaaah it sure feels so good as writing all this as i press my pussssssssss on the chair

R this is for you

R-this is a message for you:

Please do not be angry reading all my feelings about you.

The purpose of this blog as i see is much more than writing sweet poems and inspiring stories. To me it is my life which rolls like a movie here. When i read what i have written i try to get a sense of my beliefs from this. Because its only through these beliefs can i create my reality.

So it is so important that i am really really truthful here. We cuss, bitch and moan in our minds about so many people..loved ones too. We never tell them. What we feel is so personal its in the moment and we could feel differently at different times. Here i am letting you and all those who read this, into my mind. Thats why my blog is stripped nude. Here i have no secrets. Its all out in the open.

I am risking here being manipulated. Its a big risk no matter how good a friend is for him / her to know what exactly i feel day after day. He or she will know so much about me, more than myself. But i am ready to take that risk on. The reason is: because i want to improve myself. I want to be able to have all what i want. I want to work on my beliefs. And most importantly, if i think of it and i feel it, why should i be scared of it or be ashamed of it - why not i express it and then be aware of it so that i can deal with it effectively.

R? i gave you my blog details because i trust you with this really personal and private information about myself.
Please do not take anything what i have written here personally. This all could be a lot of news for you and you must read this blog only if you can handle all this information. I love you and this is not meant against you. It is to clear up the cobwebs in my mind.

the smile that shines through tears

Today George called up and told the CFO that he needs to get the department of my ex boss Ass (those r the first three letters of his name) audited. And he wants me and my immediate boss to do it. R called up and warned me about being made a scape goat to the office politics. We discussed the strategy i would take which is: i will insist that if i have to do the audit of MIS and Accounts department , then an official mail has to be sent to that effect with a cc to them both.

I had a tough time convincing my immediate boss P about this. I put my foot down and refused to succumb to his pressures. I said if NN the CFO does not send an official mail i am not going to do it. Later during the day, P spoke to NN and he agreed to send a mail.

Today also happens to be the last day of K who is Ass's assistant. He is leaving because he is frustrated with Ass. K joined in July and he feels Ass pressurises him too much and his health is affected and he is begining to have blood pressure problems (he is only in his mid twenties).

P asked me to meet up with K and take his feedback on the Ass's department before he leaves. K and I sat and discussed all the risks. K and i then went and met NN and K told him what a tyrant of a guy Ass was. He clearly told him he lacks managerial and leadership qualities and he is not a team player. NN told me i and P will have to approach Ass together and get his feedback on all this. Then we will have to document it and then present it to NN and then we will mail it to George. George has warned NN if he is not given the documentation, the team will visit india and do this exercise.

Life has its own way of balancing everything. This guy Ass had verbally abused me, thrown papers on my face, almost killed me...i was in the ICU fighting for life in Dec 03. And today i am called upon by the parent company to do an audit on his department and report back to them. Gosh, how things have changed. I am very happy with these new developments. In the last three years, my salary has not grown at all. Plus i have been diagnosed with an incurable disease. And my first love relationship with a man twice my age has left me so confused about love.
I am still in love with him because i cannot be out of love but i am so tired mentally. I wish things were much simplier. I had not the slightest clue that i would be begging for someone's love and attention as i did a couple of months back. That i will be in such a vulnerable state that inspite of being told to fuck off and not call - i will still call him up because i could not resist. He says now he never broke off with me and distanced away because of my own feelings of worthlessness and jealousy.

I am having tears in my eyes.

I know what he means and i am working on myself.

But it seems that: he does not love me as i am. If he did why would he distance away from me. Why would he tell me on the second day of meeting me that its not working and he cannot connect. Whats this kind of love which will accept me only when i am "perfect" and when everything is going on well with me.

I know i need to love myself and respect myeslf. I am not blaming R or anyone else here. I know i attract only those people in my life and those experiences which i want. So other's views are merely my own perceptions about myself but from their eyes.

I love R but he so controls me in a way. If he is angry or upset it tenses me up so much i get nervous. I am so afraid if i upset him. He is very tough with me. And i always am nice to him. I always give more preference to him. I will ignore everybody and anybody if his call comes. I just woke up from sleep to talk to him just because he called me. He is my world. I get weak in my knees when i am with him. Now-a-days he never asks me about my kidneys or my health. He never talks to me lovingly or cuddles me or hugs me. I miss all that about him. After we met, all of this has died off in our relationship.

I am crying here.

You all must be thinking i am such a bitch reading my sexual posts. All i have had is cyber sex so far. Only once i had sex in real with R. I am a virgin. No one has even hugged me with love till now. So i dont know how to hug or to kiss. I am a girl who lives in her fantasy. I am a dreamer. I am dead in my real life. I am alive in my fantasies. I am exist in another world, not here. I have kissed my pillows and hugged them and tugged on them and cried but in real life i have not felt so close to anyone. Not even R.

I am not felt so comfortable at ease with any one till today can you imagine? Right now i am feeling alone. I am so beautiful both inside and on the outside. I know i have a lot to me and i am really a special girl. There is so much to me. Then why am i like like this?

I want to change my beliefs. Seth (he is a voice a medium who talks about metaphysical things) says: We create our own reality. We can change our reality by changing our beleifs. We can have the lovely life we want and we deserve.

"You create your own difficulties. This is true for each individual. The inner psychological state is projected outward, gaining physical reality -whatever the psychological state may be....You cannot escape your own attitudes, for they will form the nature of what you see. If changes are to occur, they must be mental and psychic changes. These will be reflected in your environment. Negative, distrustful, fearful, or degrading attitudes toward anyone work against the self." - Seth

You will not be caught in an earthquake if you do not want to be, and no one dies who has not decided to do so. You make your own reality, or you do not. And if you do not, then you are everywhere a victim, and the universe must be an accidental mechanism appearing with no reason. So that the miraculous picture you have seen of your body came accidentally into creation, and out of some cosmic accident attained its miraculous complexity. And that body was formed so beautifully for no reason except to be a victim. That is the only other alternative to forming your own reality. You cannot have a universe in between. You have a universe formed WITH a reason, or a universe formed WITHOUT a reason. And in a universe of reason, there are no victims. Everything has a reason or nothing has a reason. So, choose your side!"- Seth

Now i have wiped my tears. Thank you Seth for reminding me that i create my own reality. When i express my feelings as above i see my beliefs. I have to love and respect myself and improve my self worth. I have to get rid of this belief in worthlessness of myself. Unless i respect myself, no body else will respect me.

Listen anu: get his straight: the problem is not R or anyone else. They will deal with their life. You have to conciously work on the way you think and you weave your imaginations every moment..from there will stem your beliefs and from that you will create your reality. So if you dont like what you have, work on your thoughts and your beliefs dont give up, the darkest hour is always before dawn.

:) i am smiling not crying any more. And isnt the smile that's worth the praises of the heavens the smile that shines through tears?