Name:
Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Monday, October 31, 2005

dialysis

Its monday afternoon. I am having a holiday because its "Happy Diwali" here. Yesterday i had a lovely chat with Michael. He was telling me i am a so gorgeous and a lil dirty filthy whore (hehehe..that was after he read my blog). I have been talking to Michael for long now. But it was only yesterday that he read my blog, saw my pics and got to know me really well. Michael says i look stunning and he would keep me like a queen. He even offerred that if i want to come to States he would marry me so that i get American citizenship then he would divorce me so that i can live and lead my own life. I told him i wont ever want to sneak into a country like that though i really appreciate his offer.

We were discussing about sex and making love and he was telling me how he would do me. I asked him whether he would be desperate to enter me. The last time some one tried to do that to me, i got really nervous and tensed. And that person got really frustrated. He even told me...you dont hold me, touch me or kiss me properly, and you get so nervous, you contract your pussy and i cannot enter. Well it was not my fault. I tried so hard to please him becoz i was really in love with this man..my lover who now says that he is just a friend and that he was confused between love and friendship and this never was "that kind of love". But when we wr in bed i got so tensed and he was upset. I was wondering where is all the warmth and love and why cant he understand for god sake i am a virgin and i have never been with a man. This is the first time in 29 years i was with a man. And i was so nervous. I never complained to him about anything on bed. But i was dissapointed that he was so upset with me. Later he told me i dont think this is going to work and broke off. i think he broke off becoz i did not deliver on bed. Now we are still good friends but he insists that he fell for me becoz he was guilty that i was diagonsed with a chronic kidney failure. Well he is likely to be mad at me if he reads all this. But i am not bad-mouthing him or saying awful things about him. I am just stating the facts of the case as it appears to me.

See? somewhere he still means so much to me that his getting upset matters to me much more than telling my part of the story. Sigh...why am i so nervous and tensed. Anyways i am taking the first step here by saying what i want to say without being scared of what people will say if they read this. What R will say or what any other friends of mine will say. Maybe everyone breaks off from me. Everyone leaves me and goes. I will still be fine. I will cure my kidneys too. I am on dialysis twice a week in all of this mess.

Oh no!!! my boss just called up saying he wants my power-on password to log in into my computer. I hope he does not go about looking into my files. There used to be someone chatting from my comp earlier...could it be Mr P...my immediate boss. Sheesh. But i dont want this to affect my mood. I am in a lovely place today. I leave it to Mr P to do what he wants. He if does come to know a bit of me through my comp then so be it. I am not creating imaginary fears in my mind and getting worried about it. I am much more than my computer.

Okay, i am going for dialysis now. This is a 4 hour long process but the hospital makes me wait for like 7 hours. If i go late, i will be far behind in the queue and i will come back home late.

If anyone is reading this blog. please send me enough energy that i get out of dialysis and cure my kidneys.

Going to dress now..as usual i cannot find my bra:(

4 Comments:

Blogger NYC TAXI SHOTS said...

wishing your kidneys get better j

2:09 PM, November 01, 2005  
Blogger anu said...

Thank you so much nyc:) Will you take me for a ride in your taxi, when my kidneys are alright? ;-)

1:21 AM, November 02, 2005  
Blogger NYC TAXI SHOTS said...

anytime anu j

4:58 AM, November 02, 2005  
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