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Location: India

There is so much to me, and yet i have such a longlong way to go. I am still discovering myself...everyday i will tell u something more about me

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Coming to terms with things

Today at work NN was not as focussed and attentive as he usually is. He sounded hurried and stressed during our discussion with him. Pinaki tried to get him involved in his long stories but it did not work as NN was just too busy. Pinaki felt that NN may be nitpicking at us or that asheesh / NP have bad-mouthed us to him or that everyone is jealous of us (which includes NN) as we made such a successful presentation to George. Also NN said - Oh George forget it...lets not wait for him lets do this on our own. We have no clue as to why his opinion of George changed so fast and so drastically. Pinaki was over-analysing things and voicing out his imaginary fears to me. I saw something .... I saw exactly how we are so capable of creating our own reality by creating imaginary pictures of them in our minds and living them and re-living them again and again. I saw that Pinaki was weaving a fabric of these thoughts in his mind and it did not take me long to notice that i am getting trapped in his beliefs too. So i quickly withdrew ... what i focus on is what will happen to me as i attract those forces to me. I told Pinaki lets not dwel in any imaginary world lets be positive and i am consciously working on it. i am consciously not thinking of asheesh or NP or NN and just focussing on my work, on my life and on my world.

I had a great long long conversation with R. During the discussion we conferenced with D. I cracked a silly joke and it was not funny for D so she responded rather curtly and cut me off abruptly and pretended i am not there and ignored me for the rest of the conversation. This really upset me for a minute. It was almost getting into my blood...you can feel it right when the emotions are getting into your body, when i caught myself.

I just told myself this: so what if i crack a silly joke, its perfectly ok. She is going through her own stuff coming along to meet R blah blah blah.. i am just going to let this entire thing be there. I am not going to carry the burden with me. I am going to let go...

I learnt this today :) both with NN and with D, to just let go. There are times when i dont want to analyse and chew my brains out. I just dont want to take on other's problems and try to solve them in my head. I am not going to focus on NN or D's irritation and dwell on it. I am going to just let go...

I have a strong feeling, if i can sincerely work on these tiny little nuances, its going to do a LOT of good for me. And it will be reflected in the reality i create...what more can i ask for.

To feel special, to feel good, i dont need to be in Manhattan, in Rohit's party, in NN's cabin, in George's books...i just need to be me..

Anu? you are all i have and you are all i want :) There is nothing more precious than you baby.

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